To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

Different if you said it verbally in private to a friend. But to say it so casually to a group

Yes - to a group of friends. I don't know how other people's friendship groups work, but in mine we say what we think and feel without the need for censorship because, well, where else can you vent if not your closest mates?! OP didn't walk into a room of randoms and declare how she felt towards her step kids, ffs 😂

I agree he shouldn't be reading your messages but you have said "must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't" and "It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

I don't know if you have children but what difference does it make if they are your own children, like some said what about adoptive parents. Im not saying you don't love them but I get his point.

OP’s partner feels the same as you. You both expect the step parent to love your child unconditionally. So how would you feel if your partner was speaking negatively about your DC in a group chat?

what difference does it make if they are your own children

It makes all the difference. As a mother (generally speaking), you feel a maternal love towards your own children that enables you to tolerate much more in terms of the difficult aspects of parenting, because that unconditional love you have for your own overrides the rest. It's always there, and it's the glue that holds you together as a mother and allows you to dig deep on even the worst of days. You don't tend to have that for someone else's children. Hence the shitty behaviour can feel harder to tolerate and will grate more.

I speak as a mother and a stepmother, by the way.

Your husband is the definition of play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I also fine it mildly abusive that he is denying you the ability to speak freely with your friends.

I have said waaaaaay worse things to my friends about my own (very lovely overall) DC. Personally i would never involve a SD in my life until my kids are 18 as I want them to be loved the way DH and I do (ibvs i would have no control over whether DH would hypothetically take a 2nd wife).

You have nothing to apologize for. Your husband on the other hand should apologize for reading your private messages.

I would put a lock on your phone are set your notifications to not show the content on the lock screen. That we he wouldn't see his children's names popping up either and giving him even less of an excuse to be nosy.

It sucks when your partner violates your trust like this.

Suppose he's pissed off you don't love his kids. Can relate.

Do his children have a mother or are you their mother in absence?

It's too wildly different things and its true you will always love your own more even if you are caring and 'fair'.

My step-mams where NOT my mam, not even close and I do not 'love' them. In fact they aren't even proper family they are 'in laws'. I liked them and was closer to them that my actual father (they made effort, he did not) but it was like an 'aunt' who married your uncle and is cool to see occasionally not anything near a 'mam'.

My 'step' Dad raised me as a dad figure in absence of my bio-father who made little to no effort my whole life. I would call him my dad as he is the closest thing to a dad I had but I'm also under no illusions that my siblings (his bio kids) are still different to me relationship wise.

I also fine it mildly abusive that he is denying you the ability to speak freely with your friends.

This.

I also fine it mildly abusive that he is denying you the ability to speak freely with your friends.

Same.

It make sense to not be as close to your stepchildren as to your own children. First off, the stepchildren already have a mom and a dad and don't need another. Secondly, as a step-parent you enter into their lives at a much later stage. Many step-parents do not even meet their step-children until they are several years old and often already in their teens. Ofcourse the bond a step-parent has will be different and less close than a main caretaker (such as a bio-parent).

Yep.

I always wanted kids, its a deep burning desire in the core of me... but I hate children lol.

I love MY kids, they are the most important thing ever to exist and I would move heaven and hell for them... most other peoples sproglets make me want to scream.

Although as I get older I sometimes think it might be other parents I hate more than kids... like the 'gentle' parent who does fuck all while her demon child runs riot is likely the bigger issue than the kid itself.

But then again snotty/sticky/diseased toddlers of other people trying to kiss/touch you are never 'cute' no matter how much I like their parents so maybe it is the kids.

I will give it that sleeping/staring big eyed little newborns are pretty sweet and cockle warming though.

I love MY kids, they are the most important thing ever to exist and I would move heaven and hell for them... most other peoples sproglets make me want to scream.

I relate very strongly 😂

Well yeah it wouldn't be an ideal situation 😂 The point I was trying to make is that, whilst OP keeps saying it wasn't a direct criticism of her actual step-children, it's really easy to see how it can be interpreted like that. In the example I gave, she'd surely feel that the 'only a saint could' comment was a criticism specifically of her.

Well, you have the patience of a Saint as far as this post goes! Jeez, I just do get why people can't see that because SC have their own mother the relationship with a step Mum is very different. It's a dynamic which goes both ways and entirely understandable that you, and most SMs, don't love them like bio children. You sound like you are doing a great job with your SC. I wish your husband appreciated both your challenges as a SM and your right to privacy.

I can imagine it was hurtful for him to read. 😕

But why is he pissed off? You can't force love. She loves him, she loves her kids. She isn't abusing his kids she just prefers her own? In a way you probably prefer some people to other people for whatever reason? Why do you love your partner more than your friends partner? Should you be made to love them the same because your friend does?

I’ve got four step children and I certainly don’t love them as my own. One I couldn’t care less about and would blank if I saw them in the street. One I care a great deal about and have a lot of contact with. The remaining two I can take or leave. Leave, mostly.

@Chonk
I disagree. OP stated that only a saint could love their step kids in the same way as their own child. That's a non specific statement. She's talking generally about the difference in the type and intensity of love a mother has for her own children compared to children who aren't hers. I completely understood where she was coming from. She wasn't specifically saying her own step kids are so horrendous that only a saint could love them; she was saying only a saint could find the same love for kids who aren't theirs that they have for the own kids. Which I strongly relate to, and agree with.

Ah well. Hopefully he's learned a lesson there then about not snooping in his wife's private messages to her friends 🤷‍♀️

If I saw the names of my kids pop up one someone else’s messages I’d bloody read them too.

Serves him right for invading your privacy. I would be livid with him if it was me.

Abusive because he is upset his wife is bitching about his children to other people 😂.
mumsnet is hilarious sometimes.

Then you would be intruding on other people's private messages.