To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

@SnozPoz you seem to be saying it's ok to read someone's private messages. It isn't.

@PointToItOnThePage Your husband shouldn't have been snooping, and everyone knows stepchildren/step~parent relationships are tricky {I don't have any}-what you said was perfectly reasonable.

You didn't say you disliked his children.

DS never called his dad's 'new' wives {Plural!} stepmothers, they were and are just referred to by their names.

He has intruded on her friends' private conversation - not just hers.

@PointToItOnThePage i never expected my husband (as a stepdad) to love my three kids as much as I do, do all the pp piling on the op expect stepdads to adore their stepkids? To love them as much as their bm? My husband loves them - but not the way I do. I’m sure some stepparents adore their stepkids as much as their bio ones but I believe they are not the majority. Or is this again - women being held to higher standards than men? The op was simply being honest among her close friends, agreeing step parenting isn’t always easy, even when the kids are great. And if she doesn’t love kids she first met when they were teens the same as she loves her own lo, why are so many feigning shock horror? She treats them well, cares for them a lot but why expect her to love them like a small child she carried and birthed, nourished and cared for 24/7?

Excellent point!

Let’s turn it around. Does he think his kids love their stepmom as much and in the same way as their birth mother?! Well, no, but …

Nuff said.

I’d suggest you change your settings so that your notifications don’t show part of the message you’re receiving but just the sender’s name.

His feelings are hurt, he loves his kids, he thought you did too, and he can't understand why you don't. If they were a pair of monsters then fair enough, some kids are vile, but they sound like they're alright. So he's having a bunch of mixed emotions and loyalties. I suggest you talk to him calmly and considerately - he sounds like a good guy. I couldn't care less btw if my wife read my messages, and I'd expect to be able to read hers too. Secrets aren't good for relationships. White lies are just being considerate.

Hmm. I can understand why your DH is so hurt. Imagine how you'd feel if your husband said the following in a conversation about you:

"It is hard. @PointToItOnThePage is a really good wife but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love their second wife like the mother of their children is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

I don’t blame him. That must have felt like a dagger to the heart.

Somethings just shouldn’t be said. Different if you said it verbally in private to a friend. But to say it so casually to a group and then not understand why he’d be upset says much more about your indifference towards his children. You’re justifying it by saying how much you sacrifice to be a good stepmother. You knew what you were taking on. It was a choice.

@Chonk that's in no way comparable 😆

You’re entitled to say what you want to your friends, and frankly I don’t think what you said was terrible. He’s got no right to be upset at all but you are wholly within your rights to be raging that he read your messages!

Whether your comments were hurtful doesn’t matter as much as they did hurt your man. Focus on your relationship and not wanting to hurt him matters more than NTA (according to internet strangers)

Aman wants to feel like he has given you the world and the best of life. It has hurt him to be reminded that he may be burdening you with his children. That this isn’t your dream. I think what you wrote is understandable but Bio kids are hard too. Everyone knows this. Avoid conversations that are basically complaint about children, family etc. I notice this place is full of that. I don’t think it helps to complain about the obvious hardships in life.

find ways to appreciate him as a father and a provider. And get off stupid group chats that will ruin your relationship and any chance of happy life .

YABU. I have a step son and love him to bits, but even if I didn’t, I most certainly wouldn’t be moaning about him to other people in a group chat! How disrespectful to them, and your husband. Ok, he shouldn’t have looked, but as he saw his kids names, I can understand why he did. If the tables were turned, how would YOU have felt if he’d said the same things about your kids to people he didn’t know? As far as I can see, you are BOTH being unreasonable…you more than him.

I would be upset too if I was him. Your tone is about what you do etc not any love. If you don't that's fine but don't sound like a martyr. Be honest if a man was saying this hedget ripped to shreds. Do they live with you full time?. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't love my kids. Doesn't make you bad. Just be honest with him. You find their behaviour difficult cos their not yours.

I think he is confusing parenthood and step parenthood. I am both, I love my children unconditionally, but my step children though I do care for them deeply, I do not feel that unconditional love for them. Partly that's to do with their actions, actions of his ex, lack of time and the biological differences. However, I do feel an overwhelming sense of duty towards them. Which is often overlooked, I will be there for them, parent them, be their emotionally, financially, be a sounding board.

It's interesting because my husband is with my child 100% of the time. I expect him to have that unconditional love for her, but maybe I'm expecting too much of him.

I think it's ok to clarify your stance but maybe how he found out was not the best way to begin explanation of that relationship.

I couldn't care less btw if my wife read my messages, and I'd expect to be able to read hers too.

But it isn't just your messages - it's other people's.

I've vote YABU for a variety of reasons.

He should NOT be reading your messages! It's like going through someone's diary. I have pretty firm values on this one. It's an absolute invasion of privacy and you're going to see things you sometimes don't need to know!

You are entitled to feel how you feel and this is your truth. There's no point pretending you love people you don't. You shouldn't be punished for your feelings!

Where I find this difficult is the fact you're using languages like that in a group text setting. The message reads to me that you don't actually like them. If you liked them you'd have more respect than to say something which really is emotionally charged in a group text setting.

There's something that feels nasty and juvenile about it and I can see exactly why he'd be upset by it. I absolutely would. You come across very unkind and bitchy.

To say to yourself or to a close friend in private one to one ' I don't think I'd be able to love my step kids like I love my own'. Yes it's hurtful but it's your truth and you'd be communicating honestly. However, in a private setting one on one you'd hope it would never get back to people whom it would hurt immensely. This isn't really what happened. For that I vote YABU.

Ask the kids do they want you to be with them how their mum would be or how you are?
chances are they don’t want or need a mum in mums place so that in itself puts you in a position of it being harder because you have to parent without being the parent. Your partner is an idiot if he doesn’t see that, besides the point of reading your messages, he’s bloody lucky it wasn’t about him. People never hear good of themselves, and serves him right.

All I'm reading is a lot of cold, heartless people. Shame on you

This is such a weird comparison I don't even know where to start 😂

A man saying he's not sure he can love his current wife in the same way he loves his first one is obviously a fucking red flag isn't it. If he felt that way he probably shouldn't have left his first one 🤦🏼‍♀️

Maternal love is a very different concept and I find it hard to believe anyone truly can't see the difference. A mother loves her own children in a very different way to her stepchildren (generally speaking) and that is OK and normal, imo. You can't force feelings, maternal love is very strong and very different.

Glad someone else noticed 😂

In what way? Can you explain?

Privacy and secrecy aren't the same thing.

She did say it in private - to HER friends on HER group chat, that her husband had no business snooping in. If this were reversed OP would be (rightly) called out on snooping in her husband's phone in the first place.

It is in my view at best intrusive and at worst controlling to say a partner should not have the freedom to express their feelings to their own friends in a private chat.