To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

It's what is important to him. It's important to the OP that she can talk honestly with her friends.

But it’s about his children. And it wasn’t talking honestly with a good friend - it was bitching in a group app. There’s a big difference.

The OP has said it's a group of her closest friends. So yes, it's talking with close friends.

Saying teenagers are annoyingly messy isn't exactly bitching.

We have different ideas about how we speak about/to our children and that’s fine. We don’t have to convince each other. The OP and her husband have different ideas and they need to work it out if they’re planning to stay together. she asked about his point of view and I offered some thoughts. Your opinion that she can say what she likes about his kids is unlikely to lead to marital harmony but she will have that group to give out to about him should they divorce so that’s a bonus!

Your opinion that she can say what she likes about his kids

Pretty sure I didn't say that.

As a reminder, PP have actually said they would divorce their spouse for this.

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

If that’s for me, it was referenced in general, the checking phones, dad feeling kids aren’t treated equally etc all doesn’t add to up to something great (in my opinion - I wouldn’t be happy in that kind of relationship). Not that I’d be jumping to divorce but I’d be having big conversations around the relationship.

I think this is all moot because he read YOUR private messages.

But I would be interested in hearing who does most of the clearing up after his kids.

I wouldn’t be happy in that kind of relationship

Me neither. Her husband makes accusations without giving any details and reads her private messages.

It's a pretty vile thing to read about your children, from such a close member of their family.

For all the OTT back lash you have received from some women and your husband I wish you’d have said something worth the drama. I kinda wish you had said his kids get on my tits or words to that effect, least the reaction would match the crime 🤦🏼‍♀️

You're allowed to vent and empathetically agree with friends in a private chat.
YANBU.

I'm a stepparent and I'm not surprised your husband is upset I do love the children and indeed grandchildren as my own though

It’s not two messages though, sounds like your DH is upset as he thought you loved his kids as part of your family, but now sees you don’t think of them in that way. It’s odd that that didn’t come up before he became your DH though.

In my book, they are bad!

@EmeraldA129 you seem to be making things up.

OP, surely you knew how this thread would go, stepmothers on MN are all evil unless they love their stepchildren as their own, throw everything onto the altar of step parenting, step children can do no wrong because they are traumstised, preferably you should not have children of your own at all in case your step children get traumatised some more and feel replaced, etc etc.

one exception- if you are used as free childcare. In this case, LTB.

For what it’s worth, I think you did absolutely nothing wrong. People who think you can’t rant to your close friends in private (about anything!) are insane or don’t actually have proper friends. In my “circle of trust” there are literally no off limits topics and no one is as contained as you’ve been in your language. The whole point is being able to say anything at all and not be judged.

I, however, would find it incredibly difficult to get over, firstly, DH reading messages on my phone and, secondly, the guilt tripping afterwards. I would also be questioning his level of empathy and emotional intelligence if he doesn’t appreciate the challenges inherent in step parenting. That makes it doubly difficult for you while he is indulging his divorced Dad guilt. That’s on him to resolve not on you to walk on eggshells and censor your private messages.

I don’t believe I am.

OP do you not know this is mumsnet and you’re meant to never ever look at a man who already had kids because clearly he’s just a waste of space and obviously you’re a mean, immature person who wishes his kids would just vanish off the face of the earth???

ive posted enough times to know that step mums get the worst treatment on here. Youre bang on. I’ve said a lot worse about my DSCs to my husband. I don’t remotely love them like I love my own and that’s human nature. Did I love them more before my own came along? Probably yes but it’s a whole new world of feeling with your own and it’s that horrible limbo of you’re meant to put up with their shit and treat them like your own but don’t dare complain about it or scold them like you would your own. Especially on here you’ll find it’s a plethora of contradictions.

ps fair play to you. Being a step mum is brutal x

I am not a step parent but I can see your point. Its not the same as with your own children and you cannot force yourself to love them as if they were your own! As long as you treat all the children fairly, with kindness and as equally as possible (which it sounds as if you do) then nobody can ask more.

This thread is wild 😂

OP, you are completely entitled to discuss whatever you like with your friends, over text of otherwise. Your husband shouldn't have read your messages, he's 100% at fault for that.

Of course you don't love stepchildren like your own ffs. It's madness to suggest you should and it absolutely not offensive to voice that. It's nature and biology. Fwiw, if DH and I split up and DH's new wife said she loved my DD as her own I'd be fucking furious 😂 She's my baby, no one else's. So that works both ways. No way I could love another woman's kids as I love my own, whether related to my husband or not. I make no apologies for that.

@dreamer24 you are on point - if a step parent said they loved my teenage DC as their own, I would actually think they are creepy. Bunny boiler territory creepy!

I don’t doubt that happens - most often when DC’s bio mother is not in the picture, you’ve known them from babyhood and had agency on how to bring them up. Otherwise, I call BS

He had no right going through your private messages with your friends, but I really don't blame him for being so angry, because you made it seem like you don't like his kids at all.

this is a truism of modern life. If I had seen this on my DPs phone about my kids I dont think I would be upset by it per se, although I WOULD ask him how he actually felt about them.

Blending is hard and for some families it never really happens. You shouldnt be shot down for saying this, although it might be hard for him to hear.

Do you have kids of your own that he has to blend with? How does he feel about yours?

He shouldn't have snooped but honestly I probably would've done the same in the same context. Of course it's hurtful to him because whereas you probably think it's obvious it's probably never occurred to him if you haven't voiced it to him. I have the policy of never writing or saying something that if it got back to those I love it would hurt them or jeopardise our relationship. You've slipped up. YABU, not him.