To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

99%? 🥹
Oh dear, and that is based on what? Adding the YABU votes to the YANBU votes, with a minus 1% for little old me?

I think it is wrong to discuss your step children and your (mostly negative) feelings towards them on a WhatsApp chat with others who may know them. This is not a private conversation by any means. Imagine if the children read the messages or heard the content through another member of the WhatsApp group? I think you have been over sharing.

Thats hardly OP’s fault that her friend wished to take that view….

I’m not suggesting it is?

They don’t know them. RTFT.

Then why mention it?

It may be a surprise to you but OP has no control over what other people write

But it is the OP's decision (I don't think fault is the right word) to not pick her close friend up on talking so dismissively about people the OP cares about. The friend was rude and thoughtless, and clearly thought her friends wouldn't mind. And as no one said anything to her, she was probably justified in thinking it wasn't problematic for her to say it.

Because OP brought it up in a comment and I suggested that the group chat sounded toxic - which I stand by, I can’t imagine any of my close friends saying a comment like that in a group chat.

I can understand why he, as their parent, might feel upset by those comments. I imagine you want a new partner to care for your children as much as you do. However, I never wanted to be a step parent or have a step parent for my own children because it is emotionally complicated and it will be a divide because someone's children are always more important than anyone else in their lives (or should be).

Oh my gosh!! I am VERY surprised by that, you learn something new every day!!

The OP has has control over what she does in response to what other people write though, which is one of the reasons why her DH is upset (and it's the only part of it where I agree with him).

True, but it’s not her responsibility to police the opinions of others, who cares what they think

She has control in how she responds.

Er, they're a close friend, of course people care what their close friends think

And the OP clearly cares what strangers think otherwise she wouldn't have started this AIBU.

See above

Disagreement between equals is not policing. Policing requires apparent authority.

OP cares that’s she’s upset her DH which is why she’s here, not about the shitty opinion of her friend.

I too think it is toxic.

Thanks for that nugget

And if you read back what the OP wrote, it's clear that SHE does NOT agree with you that the opinion of her friend is "shitty".

Creating an AIBU and allowing the voting function is literally asking for the opinions of others, so again the OP clearly doesn't agree with you when it comes to not caring what others think.

Her AIBU is that he is over-reacting because she’s done nothing wrong except be honest about his children on a group chat and she is furious with him for snooping after seeing his children’s names pop up.

In short, she wants validation that she is in the right and her DH is wrong to be upset with her.

best to ask the OP directly what her thoughts on this are rather than speculate I think

It's not speculation, it's fact. She said she understood why the friend would see the stepchildren as 'random strangers' because the friend had no experience of it.

It's there in black and white.

I’ll also redirect you to OP for her thoughts on whether this is true