To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

That’s great? But the thread is about what you said in a group chat about your step children…

I hope you don’t stonewall your DH like this.

Why would you say that? OP has done nothing wrong in supporting her friend over a group chat and sharing her thoughts and opinions on a subject that she can relate to. Yes this means her husband is upset, but why snoop through her phone? Im sorry you don’t seem to have any experience of trustworthy friends you can share things with

You yourself say this : I don’t expect my partner to love my child as much as the child we have together BUT I do expect him to not make it obvious that he loves our younger child more and not to talk about his stepchild in a group chat with his friends

Can’t have it all ways, and don’t misquote me either please

I have already said that I have apologised to H that he was hurt by the comments.

I don't think that is the same as saying I should never have said them in the first place because I feel it's honest AND a private conversation he had no right to read in the first place.

I am sorry he's hurt, I'm not sorry that I spoke privately to friends about a situation that does affect my life (and incredibly briefly at that).

I'm just sick of you completely twisting what was said. There is zero point rehashing it. You're insistent that I am calling the children unlovable. I, and practically everyone else here, can see that I did not.

There is literally no point in keeping up the back and forth when you are insistent on misquoting me so badly.

But I didn’t say that it’s impossible to love a child that you haven’t birthed as much as child you have birthed - I wouldnt EXPECT my partner to love his stepchild as much as his bio child but by no means do I think it’s impossible - adoptive parents do it, grandparents who raise children as their own do it, stepparents do it etc etc

Right... and I'm saying no I don't and have never worried about my friends "leaking" what I say to them. Not very good friends if that's what you have to consider anytime you say something to them. Especially something as brief as this.

Not really, I’m just not naive enough to think everything you say is always kept private, it sounds like quite a toxic chat anyway given your friend referred to stepchildren as ‘random strangers in the house’ 😃😃😃

I didn't say you did, what are you doing?

Yeah, I'd definitely have pulled up the friend on the random strangers in the house part.

So if someone says something offensive, but didn’t intend or realise they were being offensive, it’s all the listeners issue?

I can understand why someone who isn't and never has been a step parent may not be able to understand / get their heads round the dynamics.

I, as a step parent, can understand why it's not strangers in my house, but if I'd literally never experienced any aspect of it, I can see why you'd think it might be strange/not be able to picture it.

You’re absolutely right, I can not understand how a stepmother could liken their stepchildren to ‘random strangers in the house’

OP didn’t say that…

Yes. Which I did not.

I've defended up to now but you're talking the piss by defending your friend here. Is she thick? Most people would know that your husband's children are hardly 'random strangers' and that calling them 'random' is dismissive. Even if she was just being flippant, she was being a dick with that.

Being a step mother is HARD. I should know. You can care for children, enjoy their company, get on with them perfectly well, but STILL not feel like they're your own. And yes, the annoying things that kids do definitely gets more annoying when you don't have that maternal love to balance it out. It's just life, and the reality of many people's situations. Also, I assume these children have GOT a mother. It's important you care about them and welcome them into your home, but they don't want or need another mother!

But I can also see your DH's side, and wouldn't liked to have read the messages - even though I think they're perfectly reasonable.

The friend did - in the group chat

Yes, I’ve rtft

@PointToItOnThePage I would really take no notice of @Lizzie67384. Seems to make it her life mission to make people feel as bad as they possibly can about a situation 🙄

I agree he didn’t have the right to read the messages- that was an invasion of your privacy. But if he saw his kids names, I can understand why he did, and lo and behold you were saying something hurtful about them.

I agree that you should be able to share your private and honest thoughts with close friends.

However in your AIBU you seemed to be suggesting that your husband was being unreasonable and over dramatic for being upset? I don’t think that’s fair. What you said was hurtful - to him, and could have been very hurtful to the kids if they had seen it and damaging to your relationships.

It may take some time for him to process and rationalise this, so maybe just give it a bit of breathing space.

I’ve cut and pasted what you said and then explained how you come across.

And yet 99% of PPs did not think that's what it was saying.

Again. I was not saying only a saint could love "Nigel and Rebecca".

You can keep "explaining" it to me if you like but I didn't say that.

Oh yes, you’re quite right, I think it’s normal to refer to your stepchildren as ‘random strangers in the house’, as OP’s friend did