To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

Sadly that's true. And if someone involved is a little bit famous, then there's gossiping on websites too.

I fundamentally disagree with you that the difference in those two wordings "doesn't matter".

We'll just have to agree to disagree.

i agree the difference in wording matters . One is worse.
But what you said is still personal and still hurtful.

What do you think your step children would have thought if they saw the messages?

Slagging off specific children on a group chat is not normal, it is toxic.

You are absolutely entitled to love your DSC as a STEPMOTHER, and not a mother.

They have come into your life fully formed. They probably don't see you as their mother.

Oh come on she was hardly slagging off. She admitted that her step children are good kids but that its just not easy.

It also tends to be wildly exaggerated - I wouldn’t be surprised if rumours start with ‘OP hates x and y’ , that’s why I’d never write anything like that in a group chat!!

@ToBeDetermined Maybe you just aren't in that sort of very close friends group chats. Class mums chat - no; besties who are like my family and know everything - yes.

Sorry but I'm with your DH. If I'd married someone who said they couldn't love my DD like their own then I'd genuinely divorce them immediately. I wouldn't hate or resent them for it but I would only marry someone who did love her as his own. That's the benchmark for me. The thought of marrying someone who didn't and openly admitted they couldn't do, is frankly chilling to me..

Tbf, I think the problem is you being overly offensive in what you say about his kids and then accusing him of being overly defensive of his kids.

The only a Saint could love them like their own, I certainly couldn’t was particularly offensive. Implies they are far from good kids.

@Lizzie67384 every message you have written on this thread has been ridiculously dramatic to the point of hysteria.

Nonsense! My Goddaughter was raised by a man who very much loved her as his own and treated her identically to how he treated his own. Millions of stepparents do.

It's not just worse, it's entirely different. That's why it's so frustrating. There's a huge huge difference in saying what I said in my OP and saying "Nigel and Rebecca are so awful only a saint could love them" you can't just write that here and then act as though it's only minimally different to what I said. It's completely different to the point of being irrelevant.

I don't know how they'd feel, but they dont know about it.

I'm sure they likely feel the same way I.e. don't love me like their mother. They probably find some parts of having a step parent hard.

It’s the comparison element. she said they were difficult and more annoying because they are step kids.

No, but if you have issues with how your DH disciplines the kids to the point it’s affecting you enough to vent on a group chat (which I think is your right to have an outlet) then perhaps you should have a chat with your DH? He shouldn’t have read your messages, but now that he has I can see why it would offend him even if he doesn’t expect you to love them the same. I have a step parent, we always got on so well and I’d be really upset if I read something like that, as I’m sure would my bio parents.

Well thats a bit extreme 😅

Are we doing this again? I didn't say only a saint could love them. Please just stop.

Oh, I have close friends and we have group chats.
I’m just not in a toxic friendship group where nothing is private and people are backstabbed on the regular.

I'm sure they likely feel the same way I.e. don't love me like their mother. They probably find some parts of having a step parent hard.

im sure they would.

But how do you think they would feel if they read those messages about themselves - said casually on a WhatsApp chat to your friends?

Can you put yourself in their shoes?

That’s so weird! I was just going to write that every message you’ve written was very cold to the point of bitterness xx

I wasn't actually the one venting. I added two very brief responses to a wider chat about another friend struggling a lot with her teenager SC basically just agreeing it isn't easy. I wasn't ranting and raving about the step kids or how shit it all is. It wasn't even my situation that was being primarily discussed.

Oh, I have close friends and we have group chats.
I’m just not in a toxic friendship group where nothing is private and people are backstabbed on the regular.

I'm sorry you feel like you can't talk about things or people that you find tricky with your good friends.

I think people are being deliberately obtuse. I adore my niece, I would walk through fire for that kid, I take care of her on a regular basis, make meals, take her out to fun places, change nappies and clothes etc. I can say without a shadow of doubt though that I don't love her as much or in the same way as I do my own children, it's just a different love that's not quite as intense. If she's having a difficult day it's harder to manage the tantrums than it is with my own, when she's a tiny tornado ripping apart my house I can have days where I'm just looking forward to her going home.
I imagine it's exactly what being a step parent feels like, I'm responsible for her in that time, I love her, I'll do my best to make sure she has everything she needs but I'll happily wave her off at the end of the day.

I'm not bitter at all. I've already said that I don't expect my DP to love my DC as his own. I think that would be ridiculous, because he isn't his kid. And that's a DP who spends a lot more time with my DC than most step mums do, making it even more difficult for them.

Personally I think the first message is fair enough.

The second message[I am not in your position], not as much.