To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

There is a huge gulf of a difference and you know it.

You again are making it personal to the children which my original message absolutely was not

How on earth do you expect such a think not to sound personal? What if your step kids saw it?

I’d be very upset if I saw my partner casually slagging off my children in a WhatsApp group chat, and comparing them to his biological child.

You're entitled to your opinion. You weren't rude about your sc, you didn't call them names etc. tbh I'm sure your dh has said worse about his dc, but because they are your sc, you can be seen to be saying anything negative.

Of course it's normal and natural that you treat them differently to your own dc, most people do. But different doesn't mean abuse or neglect, it's just different.

As for the snooping, it's not great but if I saw my dc name in a group chat I might be inclined to look, or I'd certainly as about it.

Are step parents supposed to pretend that step parenting is easy?

Why step parenting? We don't have to pretend parenting is easy. Or work. Or house work. Or any other family members. Or friendships.

• That’s how I read: “X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy.”

Well maybe it isn't. So what? Who is she allowed to say it to?

@Usercyzabc

There is no way you can love them as your own as you didn’t give birth to them

have you ANY idea how offensive that is??

honestly, some people

I think it was a private message he should never have looked at. He must be very upset though now that he has.

He would have had a hope/fantasy that you did love your stepchildren as though they were your own. That is unrealistic but understandable.

If I were you, I’d try to reassure him I do love them very, very much even if I am sometimes exasperated with them, and say I was downplaying my own happy set up so as not to make my friend feel bad.

“X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy.”

From your OP. Verbatim.
X and Y are good BUT it (stepparenting them) is not easy

And we know that the part before the BUT doesn’t count, don’t we?

I’d be very upset if I saw my partner casually slagging off my children in a WhatsApp group chat, and comparing them to his biological child.

Then you aren't expecting him to treat them as his own - unless you expect him never to criticise his biological child either.

But if you found the kids easy to deal with, you would also find step parenting them easy, would you not? The fact you find step parenting difficult says you find it difficult because of the children?

No one expects a step parent to love the children as deeply as their own kids, but it does read as if you’d prefer them not to be there. It just does, whether you meant it to sound that way or not.

This makes no sense

Point said: We all need to vent away from our spouses sometimes surely? Just because you're married doesn't mean you may never need or want to speak to another person privately.

I agree, it is important to be able to offload privately but this was a conversation with a group of friends, not A friend. People don't keep confidences, they will repeat what you say, even if you don't say much, and take things out of context.

I can imagine one of them saying, "Point manages to put up with those kids", or similar, which sounds like his children are a chore. That could get back to your husband.

Next time you need to talk, find someone totally neutral and confidential.

You can't help how you feel and you obviously like your stepchildren but be careful of your husband's feelings. He was of course wrong to go through your phone but you have explained he saw the children's names which prompted him and is understandable.

Let's hope this smooths over soon. Good luck.

A therapist.
Gossiping on a group chat is wrong.

Would you be upset if he was criticising his biological child to friends?

I was not saying the children themselves are personally so unlovable that only a saint could love them as PP was implying and you and other posters absolutely know that.

And there is a huge difference between saying that ^ and saying you can't love stepchildren like your own

I also feel like it might have been different if say you’d messaged your mum or sister and said you found it difficult or whatever but in a GROUP is just a massive invasion of privacy - your friends will probably tell their partners or people they know. I think naming someone the children is particularly intrusive.

@Just4thisthreadtoday

Why?

This is OPs very issue… and this topic has been done to death on here already.

I highly doubt it was that stimulating that they will be informing everyone they know that I said I find step parenting hard and don't love them as my own.

Gossiping on a group chat is wrong.

Gossiping on a group chat to your friends is normal. Thank god I have one to gossip with as it saves my sanity and improves my life ten-fold.

I think "It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy." is a perfectly reasonable statement. Of course step-parenting is hard, anyone who says otherwise is just showing off, lying or not giving it a good crack and not doing much. Hell, parenting without the step part isn't easy either.

The hurtful bit imo is the next sentence you added OP of "I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't". It's the 'I certainly couldn't' that would hurt me to read if I was your husband. There's a difference between saying 'I don't' and 'certainly couldn't'. The second is a bit provocative. But I can understand why you don't and can see both your and your DH's point of view here.

Oh you’d be surprised - I hear all sorts of random things being discussed at the school gates, people love a gossip!

Take no notice. You are well within your rights to discuss your thoughts and feelings with your friends.

It doesn’t matter. They are stjll people and what you said is still personal

No... as I've said already there are loads of aspects of step parenting that can still be hard even if the kids are good kids. Why wouldn't there be? Do you think the only potential issues involved is whether or not the kids are nice?

I've already discussed a big one here already, the fact my husband is imo overly defensive of things they do or what I say.

I couldn’t agree with this more. A private chat with a friend is one thing. Committing it in text to a group chat is something else. Talk to a therapist, talk to a close friend or sibling privately. Group chat? Inappropriate and disloyal.