To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

No she didn't.

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

You were shitting on his children to a bunch of your buddies, of course he's entitled to make it his business to know.

Very disloyal on your part. I take a dim view of people who air family grievances to their friends for a little bit of tittle-tattle.

Why is that reasonable?

Because she's not their mother.

Oh come off it. You again are making it personal to the children which my original message absolutely was not. I did not say the children themselves were so unlovable that only a saint could love THEM. You absolutely know that.

I was saying step parents, in general, to any stepchildren, not just "Nigel and Jessica personally", are saints if they can love like their own.

I at no point implied or said that "Nigel and Jessica" we so hideous that only their birth mother or a saint could love them. Give over.

Of course it's more annoying. It's more annoying when my DC has mates over and they're being a pain in the arse. It's more annoying when it's my nephew.

It's doubly more annoying in many cases because when you are a step mum it is impossible to do anything right and so you can't even manage an annoying situation like you would with your own DC, or nephews, or your DC's mates. Because it unleashes untold hell.

So in your opinion, if there are two children, one is a bio child, one a step child, they are both acting in the SAME way, but the step child’s behaviour is more annoying simply because they’re a step child?

I didn't say the kids weren't easy. I said IT isn't easy as in step parenting isn't easy. The only thing I said about the kids personally was that they were good kids.

The bigger problem here is that he is taking your phone - or asks for it - and is reading your private correspondence. (The modern day equivalent).

You should be able to have privacy to record your personal thoughts down. It helps with ordering them and decide how your life is going.

Those aren’t “very mild statements”

How would you feel if your husband texted a mate and said “Banality is not easy. It would take a Saint to put up with Banality’s shit, because I certainly can’t” ?

But if you’ve taken on the role of a stepmother and gone into it willingly - surely you should be at least trying to treat the kids in the same way?! The husband has said that OP ‘makes it obvious’ that she prefers her children to the SC - don’t you think that’s damaging for the SC?

Of course it might be. Or it might be even if she was their mother because of different personalities. My DP gets far more annoyed by DD than DD and I'm probably the other way round.

If I married someone now who had teens there's less chance I would love them the same way I do my own. It would be lovely if I did though.

@ToBeDetermined

Except that's not what she said about the DSC. And if my DP had said that about my DC I would honestly think 'yeah, fair'.

That's not what I said for goodness sake.

How would you feel if your husband texted a mate and said “Banality is not easy. It would take a Saint to put up with Banality’s shit, because I certainly can’t” ?

She didn't say the kids aren't easy.

I certainly wouldn't apologise and I think you need to think longvand hard about a relationship where there clearly is such little respect.

He had a nosey and doesn't like what he read.
Tough shit.
I bet you have good reason to feel irritated.
Who does the lion share of the utterly thankless job of cleaning up after his children?
Is it you?
If it is, then time to list out EVERYTHING that you do for his children.
If he thinks he gets to dictate what you write and think in a private space, then you should suggest you 100% withdraw from what you do and leave him to it.

He sounds like a sneaky mean twat.

Change your codes properly and tell your friends exactly what he has done.
I bet they will only have additional sympathy for you and all you tolerate.

“It” refers to how Step-parenting those two kids in particular isn’t easy. You were not talking about step parenting in a general way because in the same breath, you brought the children into it by name.

Oh dear. I don't think anyone is being unreasonable here tbh (apart from your husband for looking at your messages) you are 100% entitled to be honest with your friends about you step-children and deserve a space to be able to safely communicate those thoughts and feelings. Your husband is also 100% entitled to be upset/ hurt. Thats all you can do is explain to him that you do love them and always do your best for them. ( DH could always clean up after his own children tbh) 😅

Well, that’s bizarre, your kids behave in the same way and you find one more annoying than the other?

That’s probably the elephant in the room - that he feels some of his children aren’t treated equally. He shouldn’t have looked at your phone. Its obviously not a surprise to him that you don’t love them/they grate on you if he already had questions around this but I imagine it’s hard to hear someone you love doesn’t love your children in the same way. I don’t think you will ever love them in the way he may want you to and I don’t think it’s something you should have to aspire to but it sounds like a bigger conversation around equitable treatment (and privacy!!) is needed. He probably may also want you to not discuss his kids with others - I would feel pretty protective of them in that scenario!

And if my DP had said that about my DC I would honestly think 'yeah, fair'.

If DP said it about me in a moment of annoyance I'd think it was fair too. I've certainly moaned about him to my mates!

Hi OP, I can see why your husband is upset. U posted that u find it hard to understand that anyone can love their SC like their own and u feel different when SC leave a mess compared to your own. Even if u felt that, u shouldn't have shared those messages with your friends. After all, u are talking about your husband's children ( and teenagers bring unique challenges). If your child was a SC and step parent had made similar comments about your child, I'm sure u would be very hurt. In reality, there are times when it's hard to love your own children, emotions are complex.
The contents of your messages should never have been shared in a group.
Whether your husband should have chosen to read those messages is another matter

That’s how I read:
“X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy.”

she is saying step-parenting X and Y specifically is not easy.

Clearly that is what you have chosen to believe I wrote but no. That isn't what I said.

The only reason I mentioned the children's names was precisely to say they are good children.

The children being good doesn't mean step parenting is all sunshine though in general there are aspects of it that aren't easy that have absolutely nothing to do with the children themselves.

But stop completely rewording what I said.

There’s only a whisker of a difference.

Well, that’s bizarre, your kids behave in the same way and you find one more annoying than the other?

I didn't say that.