To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

But the parents can't have it both ways. Step mums are always being told to know their place, reminded that they are not the parent and not part of the original family, and quite often excluded from moments and milestones that tend to be considered just to be for parents.

At the same time they are expected to carry out all of the basic and day to day care that parents do, all of the practical and financial duties, and any sort of dogs work.

They are denigrated for wanting to sit at the top table at weddings, go to parents evenings or health appointments or drop the DSC for their first day of school or uni. Absolutely roasted if they refer to mum as 'bio mum' or 'birth mum'. And then lambasted for 'not loving DSC as their own'.

You can't have it ALL ways.

If a step mum posted on here that she had said the words 'I love you as my own' to her DSC she would be torn apart for disrespecting their mum and not knowing her place (in the 7th circle of hell according to some of the first wives club).

It is totally disingenuous for some posters to compare step parenting to adoption. It's a completely different thing and you all know that.

It is also a different situation for step dads usually, who are almost always with the DSC for most of the week alongside their mum.

I do not, and will not at any point in the future, love my DSC as my own DC. I don't even see that this point needs explaining. It's completely self explanatory. They are not my DC, I don't have the same bond with them, they have 2 parents. If I were to tell them that I love them exactly the same as I love my DC they would quite frankly be weirded out (and then their mum would probably send me a telling off message for over stepping). If my DP told me that he loves my DC as much as his kids I would know he was lying and also think it was a very strange thing for him to say. Because of course everyone loves their own children more than anything or anyone in the world. I don't even love my DP or mother as much as my DC, never mind my DSC.

But why couldn’t you say that to a stepchild?

Well going by some of the unhinged reactions on here I'd expect their mother to kick off.

YANBU for your thoughts or sharing them in a group chat.

He needs to really educate himself - it's easy to say you'd love a step child the same as your own until it happens. And maybe you do if you never have children of your own, or maybe you just don't know any better. But certainly in mine and any other step parent I know it's just not the same.

No I can’t actually - you married a man that already had kids, did you not have any discussion beforehand about boundaries / what you expect around the house etc?

Don't you ever have a moan to your friends about your own child? Of course you do, this is no different. Except for the fact step mums are supposed to be whiter than white.

All those things are totally wrong and I agree with you, contrary to the ethos that is required for the step parent. However, the op is not said that any of these things have occurred with her

I did exactly this. I tiptoed around for two years making jokes saying things like “I’d love to vacuum your room but I can barely get the door open!” Or “I think something may have died and crawled under the bed”. Actually, my exSD had shoved vomit covered clothing under the bed and left it to bake for weeks. I was more like the hotel room service and the more rubbish she left, the more I’d clean and make it nice for her next visit to dad’s. But, eventually her dad had a word after she’d left used sanitary wear on the floor. Enough!! I told her to tidy her room or I’d take a bin bag to it. Her dad used to say “ the stench is appalling”. She stropped and left that day and refused contact for 6 years.

Sometimes, a Stepmother just can’t help.

BUT what I wouldn’t expect or tolerate would be for him to be having conversations about my older child with his friends

So he has to love them like his own but not talk about them to anyone? Love them like a birth parent but not criticise them?

Tbf if someone saw a derogatory message relating to a topic that hit a nerve and their partner didn't disagree they'd take it as condoning or at least agreeing by omission.

If a wife came on here and said they saw their husbands WhatsApp group and one of the single lads was saying "I don't know how all you married fellas put up with those middle aged bores who've let themselves go" or posted something else horrifically sexist and their husband just let it go unchallenged they'd get fairly decent backing that by saying nothing their husband was complicit

I'm really sorry for everything you and your DH & his son have been through what a terrible situation x

Yes, the imagined idea that the majority of step parents would agree that only a Saint could love (Y) Nigel and (X) Jessica as much as their bio-mum and dad do. So OP is framing her feelings as perfectly normal and to expect otherwise is to expect a miracle (which is an unrealistic expectation) and furthermore, that it is her right to gossip about Nigel and Jessica being such hard work it takes a Saint to love them with friends on a casual group chat.

But what she said was not criticising them as a birth parent was it - it was saying that because they’re step children to her blah blah

If my partner text in a group chat saying ‘I could never love as my own’ and ‘it’s more annoying because he’s a stepchild’ - I would be extremely annoyed

You and many others are constructing a straw man argument that people are claiming that the issue is that the op is not saying / feeling that she loves the kids as her own. Not true - the issue is that she voiced the contrary opinion in an inappropriate forum.

You can love any child as much as your own child, regardless of the authority over or responsibility for them that you have or do not have,

Your role/place in that child’s life doesn’t pre-determine or limit the love you can have for them.

@RedHotWings but the OP is being torn apart by some posters for not loving her DSC as her own. And for making some very mild comments to her friends about step parenting. As if anyone would have cared if she spoke about her own DC to her friends. Which is ironic, given what she's being torn apart for here.

I hope you have changed the password on your phone.

If my ex text in a group chat saying ‘I could never love as my own’ and ‘it’s more annoying because he’s a stepchild’ - I would be extremely annoyed

Well teenagers are often annoying so you may need to get used to it.

I have a teenager but thanks for the heads up.

She didn’t say ‘teenagers are more annoying’; she said that the behaviour was more annoying because they are stepchildren rather than bio children

Not true - the issue is that she voiced the contrary opinion in an inappropriate forum.

Talking to friends about these things is completely appropriate.

You can have all the discussions you want and it won't make any difference if you end up with a parent who goes on the defense when their child's behaviour or whatever is questioned. Some people just cannot take criticism when it comes to their children even something as simple as "your rooms a shit tip, tidy it up".

H isn't ALWAYS like that but he certainly has been plenty of times in the past.

He shouldn't have read your messages. But God I'd be heartbroken if DP spoke like that about my DS. especially the "I certainly couldn't".

Actually she said it grates more - which is reasonable.

If that’s the case why did you have a child with him? Didn’t you see it as being an issue?

Why is that reasonable?

Sorry, but it’s both.

She didn’t just say she doesn’t love her step kids exactly, or as, or quite like her own.

She said children “X and Y” are “not easy” and only a “Saint” could love them “like their own” and that she “certainly can’t”

It’s unnecessarily cruel and imagines that loving any child as much as your own child is an impossibility - unless you’re a saint! (Which no one is, so impossible)