to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

@InWalksBarberalla oh nice

She isn't. How are you getting that from that?

Interesting how you continue to ignore posters who have rightly called you out for never expecting her to do chores then suddenly expecting her to help because you have a baby.

Zero responsibility, really? Since we evolved as humans - or perhaps how we evolved as humans - is to cooperate, for the stronger to look out for the weaker, for people within the family or tribe to pitch in according to their capacity. What a bleak view of life, completely contary to nature, to the creation of bonds or for younger people, a sense of contribution and value within the family to assign them 'zero responsibility'.

Although the stuff your asking of her are not unreasonable the problem is it sounds like you babied her, now as soon as the new baby is here you expect her to grow up over night and she doesn't have the ability or confidence to do this. This is stuff you should of been doing with her for years not the second you have a newborn

I was going to nightclubs at 15.
In fact, at 14 when on holiday

YABU because you never prepared her for this. She should've had chores from primary age(not too late now to start with ALL the kids, including the younger ones). It's unreasonable to expect the status quo to change from one day to another because you suddenly decided she's old enough and you need help. This stuff gets built on from a young age , and then yes, at 15 it is an expectation.

You say she won't go to the shop. Has she been before on her own? Does she go out on her own/with friends at all?

She should be doing chores, but she doesn't have to take on the responsibility of helping to raise the other children in the house. She's not the parent.

I think you’ve probably got two issues going on here. The first is not fostering independence sooner - and then suddenly expecting it because there’s a new baby around.

The second is the fact that you’ve got a 14yo, a 9yo, a 6yo and now a newborn. So from the age of 5, she’s pretty much continuously had a baby or a very young sibling around and had to continuously adjust to the family getting bigger and her getting less attention/time (and lack of time probably is linked to you not having done more to foster independence). That’s a lot for a young girl.

And maybe there is the third thing of her just being embarrassed at the obvious evidence that her parents have sex!

"teenagers all think that their parents should not be having sex or even dressing sexy, in a mum's case!! and dont even talk about cleavage or breast feeding!!!"

Mentioning "cleavage", "breastfeeding", "having sex" and "dressing sexy" all together like that. They're not related at all. Breastfeeding is not sexual and breasts are only sexual if you choose to make them sexual. A teenager not wanting to hear about their parents sex life is normal and appropriate. A teenager saying that their baby sibling eating is disgusting is very abnormal and inappropriate.

At 14 DD is going to be a hormonal mess and with so much work to do for GCSEs. Such a bad time to bring a new baby into the mix. I get that timings can’t always be controlled, but it’s a shame it wasn’t a few years ago when she might have been excited, not mortified, by a new sibling. Anything she is asked to do now, not having been expected to help around the house before, she will blame on the baby. Still, she needs to learn these things regardless, as do her brothers, so all three need to be doing age appropriate chores around the house. Can some kind of rota be drawn up, so she can see it’s fair and not just her being asked to help? And maybe point out to her that in four years she will be off to Uni and will need to know how to shop and cook and clean for herself, so these chores are things you would be asking her to do anyway? Sounds like you’d be better off asking the younger ones to do the things that involve being around you when you’re nursing if teen is grossed by it. She will grow out of that, teenagers are just, well, teenagers!

I think you’re best off separating new baby and expectation of help.
Can all the children earn pocket money for doing chores? Emptying dishwasher, dryer, taking bin bag to outside bin, wiping worktops, making their own beds etc.,
Teenage years are difficult. Can you spend some time alone with dd while dad looks after the other 3?

What age-appropriate chores do your two sons do around the house? What is your expectation of your sons around the house and in helping you with their sibling (age appropriate)?

Sorry, but you've picked a terrible time to start teaching her life skills now. That should have started years ago, and now she's pissed off and spoilt. You're going to have to rethink your strategy in dealing with her, and you have got to figure out how you're now going to teach her to be even slightly self-sufficient. She may need to be tossed into the deep end, honestly. I'd start by telling her she has to do her own laundry.

Good point.

Not even read the comments but from the vote it looks like most are in agreement with my thoughts.

It is not your daughters responsibility at all to look after your baby.

Other chores yes, she should be doing. One of mine doesn't like going to the shop by themselves, I'd try to find out why that is, but at 14 she should help with housework.

But again, you decided to have a baby which is no one else's responsibility but yours and your DP.

Wrong time to ask.

You've managed not to parent her thus far, so she's not going to take kindly to you trying now the new baby is in the house.

Most 14 year olds wind their parents up wanting more independence, not less. If she doesn't want to stay home on her own or go to the shop on her own, which doesn't sound like it's new behaviour, I'd be looking into what kind of anxieties she has and trying to figure out how to help her rather than suddenly dumping new expectations on her. If she's already anxious and is feeling displaced by the new baby - is this one a girl? it sounds like she's used to being the only girl - things are going to get worse unless you help her. Are you managing any one on one time with her?

I really don't thinks it is unreasonable to expect any 14 year old to help out. All members of the same household should be willing to muck in when and where needed.

In this case I suspect 14 yr old dd is sick of babies and younger siblings, and the chaos and upheaval it all brings. Whilst I wouldn't put up with disrespect and bratty behaviour I would also be more sympathetic to how much yet another baby sibling is impacting her.

Try and find some time to spend with her one on one. Take her out alone for an hour and explain how you may rely on her from time to time and that you are so proud of how grown up she has become etc. Involve her rather than nag her would be my advice.

Not ignoring, I agree to a certain extent

The silliness around bf etc would annoy me, my son was 11 and 14 when his younger siblings were born and wasn’t embarrassed at all about me bf’ing his siblings. I don’t know what it is with some kids though as only my middle child is one who doesn’t mind going to the shops. My mum was always sending me, from a young age

I wouldn’t be expecting a kid to help me out with a newborn tbh. Thats on you, you decided to have a baby, she didn’t decide to have one, I imagine she wasn’t given a vote?

Honestly I get it, I don’t think popping to the shops is a big deal and in a family we all pitch in but she doesn’t sound happy about all this and I would consider minimising the impact on her to try to encourage a sibling relationship.

It's absolutely concerning and weird to be "mortified" to see a woman breastfeeding. My SD coped perfectly fine with seeing me BF even though she wasn't breastfed herself. I'd be very, very ashamed and disappointed if my teenage daughter had such a warped perception of normal and healthy motherhood.

Poor kid…. your poor daughter….she’s still a child…..

Get cross with her when she refuses to help. You can say to her that you blame yourself for not having made any.demands on her before, but she’s old enough to give you a bit of support and help now and again as family circumstances have changed and you’ve all got to muck in. This situation would be literally unbelievable in many cultures, and in the UK, years ago. I’m not sure how we’ve reached the point where it’s almost considered by some to be putting too much pressure on them, to expect children to help around the house or with errands. We’re much too child-centric as a nation, imo. Of course it’s important to care well for our children, but that includes having the expectation that they will perform basic household tasks. It’s good for them! We’re not talking trekking miles to get water, like some poor kids are in the appalling position of having to do, are we?

YANBU. Helping other people out when they need it is something a teen of her age should understand. If the supermarket is 5 mins away, I don’t see why she couldn’t go. I’d have encouraged her with the offer that she could chose something small for herself, but it’s immature of her not to notice that you might need some help. Did she not do little things to help with her younger siblings, eg fetch a toy, nappy, towel, etc?