to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

Its absolutely reasonable to expect a 14yo to get stuff from shops.
I appreciate some or even lots of 14yo dont like having a baby sibling and need time to adjust.
I am always a bit surprised to read how children are treated like royalty rather than members of a family, not expected to function as a part of the household they live in.

You haven't made her do much up until now, which is the problem. If she'd have been popping to the shop and helping around the house a bit before now, it wouldn't be a big thing. Now she's got a new sibling to deal with AND you're changing expectations all at once which is going to make her resent the new baby and you. No wonder she's not happy at the moment. You haven't parented her as you should have up til now and now you magically expect her to change overnight.

from your posts, it reads like you’ve never expected her to do anything before and now you’ve had a new baby, you’re too tired and want her to cover it?
The stuff you’re asking for isn’t too much, but it’s too much if it’s never been required before, so YABU.

Because the oldest child is the oldest. Obviously you expect more of a 14 yo than a 6 yo or a 3 yo. In the same way the oldest child will have privileges like staying up later, getting more pocket money, going out with friends that the youngest will not have yet. When the youngest is 14 they should have the same expectations to muck in and contribute to the family.

OK i've read the full thread now.

Your mistake was in not ever asking her to do any chores until now.

Write it off and focus on the 6 and 9 year old boys. Make sure you raise them to do their fair share around the house, otherwise, their wives will leave them.

I absolutely agree that a 14 year old should be helping around the house appropriately, but the issue here is OP has never required her to do any chores for 14 years and is now suddenly expecting her to be good at doing chores and help because she has a baby

This is a problem created by OP, so if OP didn't have a baby she would continue to do everything and her daughter would never do any chores? How is that helping her daughter and setting her up for success in the future? These are the type of kids who move to uni accommodation and have absolutely no clue how to do anything.

So yes she should be helping around the house but OP needs to invest the time to teach her given she failed to do so until she is now overwhelmed with a baby.

She should have been doing chores long before this. If she hasn't been expected to, it's unreasonable to suddenly have this expectation now. My DSD was 16 and in the middle of doing her GCSEs when my baby was born, I had for a couple of years expected her to do chores when she didn't have an exam the next day and that remained the same throughout, I didn't suddenly change the expectations when her brother arrived, she still had her chores as well as a "pass" on them if she had an exam.

Shop with the baby

I think you're conflating two issues here.

1. you're tired, trying to juggle a baby and are seeking support.

2. your 14 year old DD doesn't sound terribly independent or helpful.

This issue you have is, you can't force number 2 to happen now because of number 1. Yes I absolutely expect my 14 year old son to chip in and help and sometimes that's popping to the shop, it's unloading the dishwasher etc, but if you haven't instilled that kind of independence and expectation into her by now, it is wholly unfair to force it on her now because there is a baby. That will only lead to resentment.

Can't imagine many teenagers her age being thrilled. Not her choice and not her responsibility.

That's your problem. Why did you not expect her to do any chores before she reached this age? She's been spoilt and doesn't regard household tasks or helping her tired Mum out as her responsibility.
She might be a young woman but she's still your child and can be put out by the arrival of a new baby.

I know you just had a baby, but she's your child
as well.
Not good.

Did you also ask her to help out when
her two brothers arrived? Maybe she's fucking sick
If there being babies around

People's attitudes are mental. 14 year olds 100% need to be thinking about things other than themselves. My three year old helped all the time. She should help out because you are all a family and a team and you all work together and contribute to the greater good. Looking after other people and not just yourself is an important lifelong skill to develop. Contributing builds self-esteem. But this should have been part of her education all along. It is up to you to instill it. If you've basically expected nothing of her so far it's not fair to throw your hands up and try to shame her if she's behaving in a way that has previously been considered acceptable. You need to sell the idea of the team in a positive way, recognise and praise her contributions and demonstrations of maturity and consideration. Be really grateful for it. And try to return the favour.

Why are you conflating breastfeeding and sex? That's weird and creepy. There's nothing sexual about feeding a baby.

More insight into the root of your issue with her. Giving a child everything and anything they ask for while never expecting the child to do any chores or earn anything results in an entitled spoilt child.

If you've been an only child for 14 years then suddenly having a younger sibling is a very big deal. Most DC with younger siblings have a way smaller age gap, they've learnt to share and look after the younger DC, your DD has suddenly become a big sister past the age when she ever thought that would happen.Besides, that means you've had sex and no 14 yo wants to think of their DM having sex. You can't make her want to look after her new sibling and she clearly doesn't- having a baby was your decision, not hers, so why do you expect her to be really happy about it?

And I hate to mention it but my eldest daughter was anxious about going shopping and being alone - diagnosed with autism as an adult.

My stepson moved in with us full time at 14 when my baby was a few mounts old. I never expected or asked him to do anything. I do think he would have gone to the shops if I was desperate, but I wouldn't have needed to ask as I can't think of being desperate! There's always Ubereats or Whoosh for grocery deliveries within 30 minutes.
From your description of her behaviour it sounds like this baby was not a welcome addition for her.
He moved in because his relationship with his mother completely broke down. It's a very tricky age.

Well that's pretty poor parenting.

The poor DD has not been taught basic independence skills and now, at a time when she probably needs more intensive parenting than at any other time, her parents have a newborn. Cut her a bit of slack.

They are younger of primary school age so still needed looking after

I think at her age she should already be helping around the house a bit and running the occasional errand like getting shopping. If you haven't required that of her before then that's the problem. Ignore comments about things being disgusting, that's just for attention. I don't think you should expect her to get heavily involved in baby care.

No, but I'm guessing many 14 year olds would be mortified to see their mother breastfeeding. Not that OP shouldn't of course, and hopefully the DD will come round, but I don't think it's unusual that she's a bit uncomfortable with it.

I don't think you can expect your elder DC to do things for baby. She didn't choose to have a baby, you did so you need to fetch this GS for baby and go to shop. She's probably feeling a bit resentful having to share her Mum after all these years of not having too. Try to find time to do something with your elder DC.