to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

She goes out with friends only when friends parents are with them. She hasn't been out on her own since year 6 as her friendship group don't seem to ever hang out by themselves

Generally I'm all for teens having to help around the house, but not by having to do more because of a new sibling?

Did you ask her before having a 4th baby? I don't think it's fair to ask her to do more chores because of your decision, especially when she's going to be disturbed by a baby/toddler during some really important years.

I agree with you OP. I don't think you're asking for anything unreasonable. I think it's good to learn to accommodate others to some extent and help support the family. I'd think you should be able to ask exactly the same if your child were a boy.

I know she didn't ask for the sibling. We have families across the world that have to do all sorts of unbelievable tasks for their family; nothing quite like OP is asking her daughter.

I'd have a gentle word with her. I'd explain that you aren't asking for much. I'd remind her of all the things you do to help run the family, includes for her. Supporting you is a lesson in give and take in a family. You didn't ask for much seriously.

I don't think your expectations are unreasonable at all for a 14 year old. I was helping my mum cooking dinner every night at that age, even if it was just peeling potatoes or boiling pasta. And going to school on my own, shops if they needed something etc.
All kids in my family (nieces, nephews etc) would be expected to do this to help anyway.

But as you said there wasn't any expectations for her to help before, so it won't be happen by magic. Particularly if she is a bit immature as you describe.
I think you should talk to all your kids and define the way they are all expected to help doing small things around the house.

As for the attitude, silly comments or faces when you're breastfeeding,... I would definitely definitely tell her to grow up!

I wouldn't tell her to grow up but would probably sit down and go right to get money for your friends you will need to do chores.
Get the other siblings doing age appropriate chores as well. Even my 5 year old sets the table and clears away from dinner!

They have no household chores. They are expected to do their homework and clean up their rooms. That's it.

I only read the opening sentence and decided YABU.

It's absolutely concerning and weird to be "mortified" to see a woman breastfeeding. My SD coped perfectly fine with seeing me BF even though she wasn't breastfed herself. I'd be very, very ashamed and disappointed if my teenage daughter had such a warped perception of normal and healthy motherhood.

When her mother and father haven't parented very well by the sounds of it, it's hardly surprising. None of this is OPs daughters fault, it's all on OP and her husband. OP seems to be swerving that even though most posters are saying the sane thing.

Your younger kids still need taking care of? So does your bloody teenage kid ffs.

Yes it's a girl. No not had much one to one time lately with her no.

Totally agree.

Within a family we all have to help each other out.

No one is exempt. During hard times eg illness/exams/new baby. People have to step up for a bit.

This is a weird thread. Normally on this site there is a strong push for encouraging independence and responsibility in teens.

@SwiftiesVSLestat

are you suggesting the Dad should come home from work to pass the OP a glass of water?

or gets a few bits from the shop that she needs now. Not later when he gets in from work?

As a mum of 2 teenagers and currently heavily pregnant, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable about your daughter being rude about the breastfeeding. But she’s still adjusting, it’s a huge change. Once you get into a good routine it’ll be much easier on you and your daughter as well.

Your problem is that you done everything for her before this baby arrived, now you suddenly tell her she has to grow up. You have created this problem, your daughter feels pushed away by you. Yes she needs to do more but you should have started before the baby was born, now you are building a wall between your eldest and youngest. You need to spend time with her and softly encourage her to be more independent.

Some mothers have no choice but to go to the shops when they’re exhausted and their baby is sleeping.

No nothing. But she was a lot younger last time.

Well there’s your issue.

Up to this point you and your DH have not encouraged or organised a household where there is an expectation that everyone helps in some way.

And now, suddenly, you’re projecting your tiredness etc onto your eldest child, a girl, so doubling up the issue you and your DH have created with a quite sexist expectation that your daughter will help you with your newborn.

At 9, I was ironing my school shirts and Brownie uniform and we were all expected to take turns in doing things like laying the table for supper, or helping with washing up, drying up and putting away dishes etc after supper.

You wanted a baby you and you husband made a baby.
Now that op is called your responsibility.
You have other children no doubt you have asked her to deal with them.
I left home at 16 because of the same reason I felt like a mother instead of a sibling.
My mother put a lot on me and it was always my fault I should grow up.
I snapped one day and said you opened your legs you bring them up that was almost 32 year ago.
No contact since.
I have 2 children of my own young teens yes they have chores like most but I wouldn't ask them to pick up the slack because I had a baby.

Well how did you manage with a newborn, toddler & 8 year old? That surely would have been similar to now?

Anyway at 6 & 9 your sons are old enough to start doing chores! If the 14 yr was never expected or asked to help how on earth can you suddenly just spring this on her. You need to start slowly and from scratch. Chore schedule for ALL of them.

You've really done your daughter a disservice by letting her get to nearly 15 without teaching her any responsibility. Children don't magically become fully functioning adults when they turn 18. It's something they have to be taught. And trying to start that in a teenager is not the best timing. Especially now because your daughter will link this sudden change in expectation with the presence of a new sibling. You need to start getting them all doing chores. Not just your eldest. It's not going to be easy.

This is a weird thread. Normally on this site there is a strong push for encouraging independence and responsibility in teens.

You are not understanding what posters are saying. 🙄

Most of us, as parents, introduce more independence slowly over many years so by the time our kids are teens, these sorts of things that OP expects are second nature. OP hasn't done that over the years, yet now expects to click her fingers and for her daughter to be able and willing to do it. That's not good parenting.

So none of the kids have any real chores or responsibilities?

I really don't see how you can complain.

You reap what you sow and that's all that's happening here.

Teens don't always feel logically about these things though, and that's fine. I definitely felt uncomfortable around breastfeeding the odd time I encountered it as a teen and I don't think that's unusual. Not "right" but teens often don't have the "correct" feelings around bodies, breasts, sex etc etc etc.

Went on to breastfeed my own for well over two years all told, and fed anywhere and everywhere without a shred of embarrassment, so it's not that I'm fucked up in some way. It's just a bit of immaturity, which we should allow in 14 year olds.

You've had a baby n

I do feel for you, a new baby and three other children as well. But this is the thing, your DD is a child as well. And you say you have probably not taught her to be independent and do things on her own. So it’s not fair to expect it of her now. Especially when she’s a probably got all sorts of feelings going on about the new baby. Have you chatted to her about that? How she feels about the baby?