to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

6 and 9

OP, Yanbu at all. I would also expect better and would nip the disrespect in the bud straight away.

I'm always surprised at how some posters have such low standards and expectations of teens and younger children.

They should be mucking in and helping around the house before they even get to the teen years. That's how they learn to become self sufficient.

They should be raised with the mentality to help out when and where it's needed.

They should be able to do laundry, cleaning, cooking, basic shopping and general chores even if there is no addition of a new sibling. Not all the time as they generally have school and social lives.

There is something wrong with a raising a child to teen years who is then embarrassed by anything to do with a newborn sibling.

Your daughter should have been doing a few chores for a while now. That's possibly what the issue is, she's been allowed to get away with not doing any - and now that you have the baby, she's being expected to do some. That's quite bad planning really as she possibly equates the baby being here with NOW having to do some chores (which she should already have been doing).

I think you need to have a conversation with her (when her dad is home and can take care of the baby) to tell her that you understand how she feels but other teens her age are doing some of the chores at home - that's family life - and she needs to pitch in also. Nothing to do with the baby, in fact I wouldn't ask her to do anything baby-related at all, let her come to you for that herself.

It is a large age-gap though, OP, challenging isn't the word!

Is she the baby's father? If so, YANBU.
If not, YABU.

So this is your 4th baby.
I think it's true the eldest is all ways expected to do more.
And seems to be the blame for any thing.
Sad really.
My sister never had teen years she was far to busy caring for us as mother needed rest apparently.
She buggered of at 17 and then it fell on the next.
Op you haven't mentioned what the other kids do or are they the golden children.
Sorry to sound harsh but you choose to have kids and it's not down to her to pick up the slack because daddy is at work.
He's a the parent too.

Yeah you’ve made the mistake of waiting too long to shift the goals posts in terms of expectations and independence. Completely reasonable to want a 14 year old to do chores, go to the shops, stay home alone but you’ve waited too long and it’s a bad time to force this with the newborn on the scene.

you need to build in independence tasks that are not related to the baby at this point. You’re going to get lots of push back because she just hasn’t had to bother before. This is learnt behaviour so before you have a real go at her remember teenagers don’t suddenly grow up and become independent over night it’s something you should have been working towards as her parent for a long time.

Also how old are the siblings? Are you building more chores into their day as well?

An almost 15 year old who won’t stay in the house alone for 5 minutes and doesn’t know how to buy things from the supermarket sounds like a bigger issue than just being lazy and unhelpful. But you should have addressed this earlier because now you only want her to ’grow up’ to make your life easier. She’s going to feel so resentful that a baby turns up and not only is Mum preoccupied but suddenly she’s expected to do things that she’s never been asked to do before and doesn’t feel confident about.

My teens have been picking up stuff from the shops on their way home from school for years. So last year when I was having chemo and really needed their help they were already competent. DS15 went to Aldi and searched around in the specials aisle for the French skillet I wanted, bless him.

I'm going against the grain here and saying YANBU. I don't get the impression OP is expecting to be waited on hand and foot or for DD to act as another parent - going to the shop is a totally reasonable and age-appropriate way to ask her to help. I can see a teen being queasy if she were being asked to change a nappy or clear up regurgitated milk, but OP was just asking her to do something that, yes, can be hard to do when you have a breastfeeding baby stuck you most of the day and is totally fine to expect of a teenager.

DD doesn't have to be thrilled about having a sibling and shouldn't be treated like an unpaid carer but she can and should step up to help her mum.

All your answers are focussing on the chores and independence.

It isn’t about that. It’s about her emotional response to her Mum being preoccupied by a new baby, probably just as she herself is feeling insecure in that twixt - tween area between child and young adult.

Of course she is capable of going to the shop, but she is probably acting out because she is quite simply jealous or resentful that she has lost her Mum to a newborn at a time she needs you.

And your response is proving she is right. You seem not to be considering her emotional response as a reason. Just criticising her and expecting her to rescue you from the pressures of having a baby.

I wasnt referring to any breast feeding related issues, more that females are asked to do this kind of thing more than males

Considering the OP had just had a baby, the 14 year old should be wanting to make sure her mum is ok. She should be wanting to help after her mum going through childbirth etc.

If we don't expect our kids to help out at all, they will grow up to be selfish people who will think they never have to do anything for anybody else.

I do agree with her not taking on the burden of raising the baby but I don't think that is what the OP is asking of her.

@SwiftiesVSLestat

'Drop her in the deep end'

jesus wept, pop to the shop & psss her Mum something, is hardly the fucking 'deep end'

Wow that’s some age gap. It’s not her job to look after your baby.

Do agree DD should have been give more opportunities earlier - it is a classic case of bringing up adults, not kids. You have to think ahead and consider what your child will need to be capable of in a year or two and get past 'Oh, but they're too young' and 'Oh but they have to cross some roads' and get them to do it.

Of course she can be doing basic chores and helping her mum out. But you’ve never expected her to do it up until now! You need to sit her down and give her a list of expectations so she knows.

@the3e7s thing is, she is at that age when she considers you too old to be having sex, never mind a baby!! she is embarassed! she probably does not have any friends who have a new baby in the house!! teenagers all think that their parents should not be having sex or even dressing sexy, in a mum's case!! and dont even talk about cleavage or breast feeding!!!

It’s really obvious there’s additional issues here (not wanting to be home alone, not wanting to go to the shop at all). They should have been worked on regardless of a new baby.

Now expecting her to do these things because you have a baby, is the issue.

You have 3 kids capable of passing you things. Surely her saying no occasionally (as you said she does but not in a way you like) isn’t causing a huge issue. How many things do you need passing if you have all 3 doing it?

We can’t predict how our kids will react to a new baby. But we can manage expectations and prepare them. Like preparing them for adulthood.

It’s very strange you are expecting very little from the children’s Dad though.

It's not buying Cushelle when they want Andrex here.
It's a baby and a rather big life decision that affects the whole family.

That's the problem, OP hasn't raised her to do any of that and now there is a newborn she expects her 14yo to magically be able to help when she's never had to do any chores before and clearly has never gone to a supermarket on her own.

Poor kid, this must be a massive adjustment for her.

Tbh I'd be expecting her to do less if anything around the house as she's clearly struggling, not more. This isn't the time to get her to step up.

I can't even imagine my parents having a baby when I was a teen. A newborn takes a bomb to a household, most teens wouldn't cope well with that.

My 12 and 14 year olds do nothing around the house. Not a thing.

You chose to have a baby, daughter is still young at 14 so I think it would be unfair to expect much. 14 is a hard age as it is.

my mum had a baby when I was 11 and again when I was 15.

I was quite young still at 11 and still playing with dolls. I remember my mum screaming at me saying you have a real life baby here you could help out more with!!

thing is I did do lots, more so when 15. I didn’t mind helping but looking back I still think I should have had to do as much.

i remember when about 16 I was taking care of baby sibling at home on my own, phone rang and I put baby down, she was about 8 months and she fell and bumped her head. My mum gave me shite over the phone, yet she left me to it and then starts ringing.

I had mr first baby at 19 and again in early twenties. I couldn’t have another now my oldest is 13, I feel like my mum made no time for me as an individual as a teen. I didn’t want massive gaps for my own.

OP I completely understand how frustrating this is and how much you could do with a small hand from her at the moment.

But I have to agree with pp that kids don't become independent on their own and if she's never been asked/pushed to, eg, go to the shop on her own then she's unlikely to start now.

But I do sympathise and it's really frustrating. My 14yo SC is similar (won't stay home alone, won't go to the shop alone, won't take a doorkey presumably to avoid letting themselves in to an empty house). I think a lot of things that were just part of life for teens when we were young are now things that need to be explicitly taught/encouraged as life seems to be so much more cotton-woolled for them now.

If you quote people it already tags them, not sure if you know.

This teenager won’t be in the house alone, doesn’t like going to the shop. She clearly is quite an anxious child. So yes, it’s dropping her in the deep end.

I have an adult dd and a teenage ds. Both always done chores, gone to the shop etc.

Dd had quite severe anxiety so needed support doing certain things at first. That’s a parents job. To get your kids ready for adulthood, in a way that works for that child.

Why won’t she stay at home on her own for 5 mins?

You’ve done her a great disservice never giving any chores. She’ll be off to uni in 4 years and should be able to do adult stuff like go to a supermarket on her own. Most year 5/6s can cope being home alone for a short period.