to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

They do, but honestly unless taught otherwise, I think ‘self-absorbed’ is the default for a lot of teenagers!

What about his annual leave? It's ridiculous that this was actually the plan. It's only been a week and you are already too exhausted to go to the shops.

I really don't see 14 as a child. It's totally normal that she should help out with small chores at home, do shopping bits, make you a cup of tea... She'll be moving out in a few years! There's nearly 13 years between me and my youngest sibling and I had him as a baby loads when he was little, it wasn't remotely a big deal! I'm very surprised at these responses.

Oh god I’d have been MORTIFIED! My friends’ teenaged children and my 10 year old HATE ‘mushy’ stuff on films / Tv, and usually make vomit noises!

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask a 14 year old to go to the shop or do some chores, regardless of other siblings in the family.

@Hollietree

oh come on!! Im sure OP’s daughter is getting waaaaay more sleep than Op. daughter will NOT be exhausted like OP. let’s be real.

Ah, you have met my offspring I see!

It wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask her IF this is something she usually does, but according to you it isn’t.

Getting to 14 and not being responsible for any household chores ever, isn’t great.

Being 14 and not knowing how to go into a shop and buy yourself something and not wanting to be left home alone is a bigger worry and something you definitely should have been helping her with a long time ago.

You’re unreasonable for suddenly expecting this from her now. She needs your time and attention, she needs help to gain some confidence and independence.

My husband could only take a week off work, it's not like he gets any paternity leave we are not financially well off enough for him to take as long off as needed we don't have that luxury

But you decided to have a 4th child ….

YANBU at all in my eyes. My sons are a similar age and have had it made very clear to them that they will help ME out as much as possible or necessary with their younger sibling. I am disabled so it is important that they do help. For goodness sake one or the other took my younger child to school for practically an entire term because I wasn't able to. They are a vital part of the family and that cuts both ways.

I would be having very firm words with her about helping YOU (not the baby, YOU) out as and when you need it.

I will never, ever understand why people who cannot financially or physically provide for more kids due to time constraints etc decide to have another anyway. So selfish and not fair on any other existing kids.

Op I’m not gonna be unkind but my parents did this - they never made us do any chores around the house and then when they had a baby they were aghast that we weren’t suddenly cooking dinner and a bunch of other stuff they never showed us how to do. We were the most selfish lazy children overnight.
I actually remember my father shouting at my sister “you’re 15 for fucks sake!!”
I know now they were overwhelmed and understaffed so to speak and maybe you feel like that too but expecting your daughter to suddenly over come her anxieties and become independent by herself isn’t gonna lead to anything good you’ll just be frustrated by her
My parents also downplayed what having a baby would actually mean - they were all about baby names and cute outfits but I didn’t know my mother was actually struggling, 11 year old me didn’t know she needed a cup of tea - my thoughts “ she never needed anything before the baby? She wanted to have a baby why is she mad at me?? I didn’t have a baby!”
Again - as an adult I can’t see how she was feeling and how you are feeling Op but I do remember being that kid too

So your baby is a week old.

and he has taken a week off, so has been back one day?

So is it just she refused to pass you something today? Refused to go to the shop today?

Everyone has talked at length about the issues here but what are you doing tomorrow when you need to get 2 kids to and/or from school? And all the kids are gone all day. If you desperately need something?

If you are really struggling can’t he take annual leave? Speak to his boss and say you are struggling?

I've had a 1:1 quiet chat with her. She said she just does not like doing things alone as it just makes her anxious and she doesn't know why. She said she was reluctant to help me out with anything as she didn't want it to escalate where I start asking her to look after baby or make the babies milk or feed her in case "she messes it up" she got really upset and said sorry and explained a couple of her friends have newborns in the house also and they do things like make up baby formula and bottle feed. I explained I wasn't going to make her do this anyway and that if she ever feels anxious about something she just has to say and I would never ever force her or persuade her to do it. With the breastfeeding thing she said she thought it was something done in private like going to the toilet, which I explained was not the case.

I have taken all suggestions on board so thank you we are going to draw up a rota where she can do some chores to "earn" pocket money which we will setup a bank account for her get her a card. I will show her how to use and she can manage her own money/finances hopefully this progresses her independence. There is also bonus tasks for extra pocket money that include more "challenging" tasks for her that require her to venture out the house by herself. They are simple tasks which she has agreed to just start of doing one a week and husband or someone will take baby out the house so it's just me home by the phone if she needs to call for my help. For example tasks like picking up her brother from school, picking up a takeaway e.t.c just things that are 10 minute walk from home and nothing can go wrong as I'm the phone.

We are going to also have a girly day at the weekend just me and her and promised to do this at least once a month

She seems very happy and I said if she doesn't feel ready she doesn't have to we can revisit the idea in a month or so but she's happy to give it a go as long as I'm homely the phone not distracted with baby or siblings.

“She has never had to do any chores ever, now baby is here I expect a little contribution in terms of chores. Really too much ask?”

Frankly, yes. if she’s not in the habit of doing a few chores, then to me ask her to do so now is a bit much. You should have got her into the routine of doing them (and given her the confidence to do so) before the baby was born.

Sorry, just read latest post. Good update.

@the3e7s she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding.

Really bizarre that a young girl thinks breastfeeding is disgusting. I don't recall ever finding it remotely disgusting.

Why do you think she wants to help you with a baby?

She’s a teenager going through the worst years for selfishness, sullenness and general shittiness.

I can't imagine why. My sons aren't and neither are any of their friends. It's a normal part of life.

Exactly l. Op asked her to go the shop. Not do all the night feeds. This is how spoilt teens exist if it is apparently not ok to ask for a small amount of help from time to time

Well done. Sounds like you handled that fantastically.

I don’t think you can expect your daughter to take on more responsibility because you had a baby? It wasn’t her decision and it’s not her responsibility. Your husband can help if you need help. You 14 year old should be able to get on with being a kid!

I think you need to be focusing more on 'how much have I disrupted my DD's life by having another baby when she is already 14?' People who have a two year age gap read 'There's a house inside my mummy' and pretend the new baby is giving the toddler a present. But it is so much more emotionally disruptive to have another child when your older child is 14. Don't expect help. Try to help!

Excellent post. Worded more kindly than I would have done. OP, I hope this baby is your last and I hope you will focus your efforts on understanding how best to parent all of your children including your oldest. You need to be paying much more attention to her anxiety and how best to support her with it. It's quite shocking tbh that you didn't bother talking to her about how she felt about you having another baby - and instead just wanted to talk to her about baby names and cute outfits. I think that's a bit tone deaf tbh and you need to try and put yourself in her shoes a bit more. If you are struggling to understand how she feels then just ask her and don't judge her answers.

I think my teen would act similarly in an unimpressed manner. You need to think of her she is allowed to feel the way she does. I don’t think now is the time to give her more chores. I definitely wouldn’t give her any baby related chores. Even at 14 this is a huge change in her life and she still needs her mum.