to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

Oh I get that as well! Along with a request to fast forward!

You should be upset @the3e7s. You have failed to parent your daughter and teach her the skills needed to be able to do the things asked of her, yet think she’s the one who deserves to be criticised for it.

You thank posters who are giving her a verbal kicking for YOUR failings. People have suggested ways you can give her skills and confidence and you still want to opt out because she’s ‘not 5’. She isn’t but it seems you weren’t arsed teaching her or her siblings skills at that age either.

At what point do you accept you have a role to play as a parent and that children don’t actually raise themselves?

You are not the victim here. Spend more time talking TO your anxious, clearly struggling child than inviting and thanking bitching about her and things might improve.

Honestly the number of posters who don’t get why self check out can be stressful for even a grown adult. I hold down a very high level job in charge of huge budgets. If I go to the nearest proper supermarket self checkout isn’t so bad - there are staff around for help if anything won’t scan). If I go to my local store express store (central London) it’s hideous. Anything that is deemed high value (which includes formula, sanpro, almost all toiletries, all meat) has a security tag on it which needs a staff member to remove. Except they’re all stocking shelves, dealing with all kinds of randoms or processing evri parcels. My worst has been an hour waiting for someone to verify my payment and remove tags before I can get through the gate. Absolutely ridiculous and I understand why a 14 yo who has never ever had to do a shop on her own using self scan might be a bit apprehensive. It doesn’t make her a snowflake or useless. She’s just expressing a need to be shown how to do things - which by the OPs admission she’s not had so far.

How did they start? And did they know what they needed to do before they went e.g. how to use a self service checkout of they needed to? What to do if it went wrong? Had you scaffolded it slightly when he was younger by gradually allowing him to do more and more?

Assuming no ND issues, my guess would be that that the OP’s DD hasn’t gained the confidence that comes with children being able to do stuff independently and then dealing with situations out of the normal as they occur. She’s then expected to be able to do stuff at the level of a typical 14 year old despite the fact that the typical 14 year old will have built up to those things in an increasingly age appropriate way. I’m not surprised it’s causing anxiety and a lack of resilience.

re: the not fetching stuff for breast feeding mum, assuming you haven’t patented the social contract out of her, there may be a behaviour is communication issue here. Almost certainly worth having an actual conversation with her about how she’s feeling about the baby and not just about names and clothes.

I would say this is your problem. Why wasn't she going these things before? Now a baby is here, she's been given these jobs and probably thinks it's unfair.

Getting to 14 without doing a few chores/ going shop is unfortunately your problem for not introducing it earlier.

@Katbum Your 10 year old was 6 when lockdown came in. @the3e7s was 10. It’s a different lived experience and you shouldn’t underestimate the impact of that. I’m not saying in any way that the OP has a lockdown related problem or should take responsibility for teaching her child independence. But you can’t compare what your 10 year old can do with what a 10’year old was able or allowed to do 4 years ago.

Why isn’t the baby’s father there? Surely he got paternity leave? Or took more than a week annual leave for the birth of his 4th child

Lets cut everyone a bit of slack first! OP you're tired and guessing not as patient as you normally would be (I know I was when my second was born) your hormones also will be still up and down and breastfeeding is all consuming in the first few weeks if not months. Yes you should have started getting your daughter to buy things herself from the shops at an earlier age BUT none of us are perfect. Your daughter has anxiety exactly same as mine who is also a young teenager, she will buy things for herself on the way home from school but it gives her massive stress and I therefore pay for her when we're out. So I personally wouldn't ask her to go to the shops for you as thats a bit mean if she has anxiety.

It totally is the wrong time to make her do more chores she wasn't asked to do pre-baby, as others have said due to feelings that may be there because of new baby.

BUT if you really want her to help more I would label it either as me and your dad think now you're getting older you need to be doing more round the house OR putying it as 'could you do me a favour and help me do this?' Either way be prepared for her not to be happy about it - shes a teenager its normal, theres lots of pressure at school at this age and its very tiring for them so she too may be ratty and want a break! You have other children you could ask them to help as a joint effort so everyone pitches in and its not focussed on your teen. Whatever you do don't say you need help because of the baby that might annoy her as like others have said its not her baby and wasn't her choice for you to have another.

Good luck!

True. But to start again with a newborn in the years when your teen needs you most.......its not exactly putting existing kids first and probably unrealistic to expect teen to be thrilled

Oh she knows how to use a self checkout, she stops in asda sometimes with her friends after school. It's the fear of using them alone which is the issue.

I would get emergency food items delivered if it wasn’t a chore she was use to doing previously. If you have only begun to expect help now with the arrival of the baby, she will connect the two and the resentment will fester. No one wants to be mother’s helper. Perhaps when you are back on your feet or less tired, you set a chore schedule for everyone, including your husband and the younger brothers - no excuses. DD won’t then feel singled out as an older female child.

My DD would have been exactly the same at that age - she was a very moody teenager. But now as a young adult, she offers to get my groceries for me whenever I am sick. So it’s not too late.

Sounds like she’s not ready and at a time of so much change I think you have to take it at her pace, even if it’s a pain. There are apps to deliver a small amount of groceries, they may help.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I was 13 when my brother was born, and I loved all the Junior Mum™️ stuff.

I'm 45 now, and have a great relationship with him.

Why doesn't she use the counter instead?

Can’t your husband do that?

I understand that - I was the same with going to the shop on my own Vs with friends. And I’m in my 50a now :)

I think you sound like a lovely mother who is just attempting to balance everything. I think a few things might help. Regular on line food shop
so you don’t run out of basics. If you run out of “nice to haves” fuck it and do without. Start taking your DD out on normal everyday excursions so she’s less anxious. Spend some time with her every week one on one. Get other mothers involved with them being more independent. But most of all show her love and hugs and empathy and that you’re here for her. All of which is hard when you have a newborn. But IME the hardest parts if parenting are at the extremes. You can’t do one without the other.

There are no counters at all in my nearest 4 supermarkets.

This is wild - she's two years off 16 and when she can get a job and will be expected to perform tasks without argument - getting used to doing stuff now paid or not is preparing her for being an adult. I don't get what the big deal is - in larger families it's the norm to help out with younger siblings and cousins

Because she has just given birth and is breastfeeding without any support, presumably. Use your common sense ffs.

So it was ok for you to be too exhausted to go to the shop. But not her?

And just to comment on that. It’s not treating them like a 5 yo. On what planet would anyone expect a 5yo to shop unaided?

Its treating them in an age appropriate way.

@the3e7s What was your life like growing up? I don’t want to pry and you don’t have to answer but it maybe feels like you had an unhealthy family dynamic?

Yes, most children her age don't mind shopping in a supermarket or local shop. You've not explained beforehand that you might like help, or about anything that she finds "disgusting". It's hardly her fault.

How do they sell fags and beer, then?

There's going to be a human around for those.

You are not UR to hope for a bit of compassion from a 14 yr old.

Your 14yo sounds very anxious... I'm the oldest of 5 children and as the oldest your problems can sometimes be overlooked.