to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

This is a good update, sounds like a great chat and I hope you can put all those plans into action (not easy to manage atm I imagine).

I will never ever understand this attitude, that a child in a family should be elevated above all others and go forbid they ever be expected to muck in and put themselves out for anyone.

YAB a bit U. She's probably feeling really odd about her new sibling - not only is she at a difficult age herself, hormonally, where she might be feeling all kinds of weirdness (I know I was wild at 14), but she has to contend with knowing her parents have not too recently shagged, her mum has the audacity to get her boobs out to feed the result of the shagging - and now she has to go to the shop to do you a favour?! I'm not saying any of this is rational, but it's probably her train of thought.

I have similarly aged boys, but I have forced them out of their comfort zone - for their benefit - but I take advantage of that on occasion! I don't think it's too much to want her to help out, but unfortunately if she's never had any regular chores or been willing or able to go to the shop alone, expecting her to just jump up and do it because you have a baby now is wishful thinking.

I suggest you start slowing incorporating more chores and independence into her daily routine, and your other children's as well.

Yeah it really is.

A girl in my class at school came from a large family and we all couldn’t look the parents straight in the eye as we thought they just really had overdone the whole sex thing. Noone wants to think about parents and sex.

The other thing that’s awkward is from a biological standpoint it could be her who could really be the childbearing one. I realise we don’t encourage that in these times, but our subconscious is in tune with nature and I think there is an aspect of awkwardness around generational overlap in that way. Not saying anything wrong, just something that kind of recasts roles in a way that doesn’t feel entirely comfortable.

You are right she should be able to go to the shop alone but I think unfortunately if she’s taken against the situation, choosing now as the time to push independence is going to backfire a bit with longer term implications than the relatively short lived duration of a baby to juggle.

Well done, OP. Nice to see your update

That's a great update.

Now would also be a good time to start working on the younger two as well - giving them age appropriate chores around the house. And start fostering some independence in the 9 year old - getting him to scan the shopping, buying something from the store while you wait outside etc.

Let’s be real. It is NOT a 14 year olds role to support a parent because the parent decided to have another child. Of course no child should be up during the night to see to a baby. It not the DD’s fault her parents CHOSE to bring another child into the family and it’s nothing to do with her if her mother is tired either. Sleep is nothing to do with the fact her parents chose to have another child.

Seriously, some people on this thread really need to stop being so self absorbed. If you CHOOSE to have another baby when you have a teenager then don’t expect them to suddenly become a third parent. Times have moved on from the 60’s.

Good update, but she doesn't have a bank card yet?! Round here most of the self-service tills are card only, and the ones that do have a cash option often break down. No wonder she feels unsure - I'd be nervous doing a self-service shop with only cash!

This response is from Victorian times. Nip in the bud, when dd1 is in early teens and going through a lot of changes in her life, body.
She should be able to laundry, cooking, cleaning, while parents decide to have another kid when they already have 6, 9 and 14 years old.

Jesus Christ ...

@the3e7s I hear you and can't understand ridiculous responses. At that age she should be expected to help out a bit re household tasks - you're not forcibly removing baby from tit, leaving her with one bottle and running out of the door to a nightclub to dance the night away.

This. You had a baby not her.

Is teenagers permission required these days?

It is your baby act like the mature grown up you are meant to me

The 14yo should have been helping more for some time now. What is the 9yo like? Given the anxiety, would it help to send them to the shops together to start getting more independent? Plus I’d give them all more chores, because they should have chores and also so the 14yo doesn’t feel singled out, given it’s an emotional age. 9yo should be setting or clearing table, all children should be putting their washing away, etc.
some posters are ridiculous, this is an extremely moderate expectation of a 14yo

Agree, some ridiculous posts here. Teenagers should be helping out in the home. It's also good for them to be pushed out of their comfort zone. Parents have the right to have additional children without consulting their kids.

Wtf? She should be learning to go to the local shop at 8 or so.Babying her has led yo her being anxious teen
This is on you op

You’re getting a hard time here, @the3e7s.
When I was 17, my mum sat me down at the table and she was mortified — she was 50 and told me she was pretty sure she was pregnant.
I was thrilled!! I was the baby and my older siblings were long gone — I’d always wanted a little sister or brother.
It turned out to be menopause, and I think secretly Mum was disappointed.
Maybe because I was 3 years older than your daughter, but I was all ready to pitch in and be the big sister and helpmate to my mother.
I was much more mature at 14 as well. Chores were a well-established thing for us. We didn’t get to argue or whine about them.
Life, she’ll soon find out, isn’t tailored just for us. We have to tailor ourselves for the best life we can have and sometimes that means helping out at home.
Congratulations on your new baby.

What help is she getting for her anxiety? You've mentioned a few things that would have me taking a closer look at her MH.
She is developing behind her peers socially, she is anxious and has perfectionistic tendencies.

I'm definitely not diagnosing anything, but I would read up on how autism presents in girls and see if there are other traits present and consider an assessment.

i know someone will come along and roll their eyes at the "typical MN response of neurodiversity" but there are a few things there that would have me wondering.

Yep. Hire some help, let her be a kid.

So haven't asked her to do any chores in the past, then you suddenly start expecting it when you have a baby?

Yes, that is too much, and it's obviously linked to the baby.

If you expect her to help then you should have been introducing small chores from when she was very young to instil that mindset and responsibility into her that she needs to contribute.

You didn't do that so she has gone her whole childhood without being expected to do chores.

You can't just have a baby and then suddenly decide she has to do things she didn't have to do before.

I do get that you’d like help but she’s your daughter - neither the baby’s mum nor a live-in baby-sitter. I know many people feel differently but I hate the idea of a sibling being expected to have much to do with a baby except in true emergencies unless they personally want to.

It seems to me that there are just too many changes all at once. It would be too much for a regular teen but for one with anxiety it must be massive, especially with dad not being able to afford to take two weeks off work to help, children pick up on money issues a lot.

The most important thing is getting help for her anxiety. Have you spoken to her school? It's unlikely she'll meet the criteria for CAMHS but they may be able to organise some free counselling. Two of my teens had crippling anxiety similar to your daughter's due to their autism even though they had a lot of freedom from an early age. You can't always prepare them for these things, sometimes mental health issues happen anyway. It took a lot of counselling, breaking down each trip into manageable steps and talking about how likely each worst case scenario actually was to overcome it. Until then, work on the younger ones so she doesn't feel like she's the only one being asked to help.

They should be.

But if they've gone their whole childhood without being expected to, you can't just suddenly demand it when you have a baby, and then get the huff when they don't want to.

You raised her like this OP. You should have got her to help when she was little.

She's now dealing with the huge change of a new baby in the house and you're also expecting things of her that you didn't expect before.

I'm not surprised if she's feeling resentful.

It doesn't sound like you are asking much of her tbh. She should be helping out round the house but I can see why she isn't, she's a little spoiled. I'm sure she'll grow out of it, not that that helps you in the meantime!

The being rude to you and calling you disgusting is completely out of order. I would be fuming about that and implement a punishment.

I was a little shit at 14 and wouldn’t have reacted well at having a baby sibling. I also had anxiety and would have found going to the supermarket on my own really difficult- like your daughter, I’d have been convinced I’d do something ‘wrong’ ! Maybe her dad could take her and she can use the self checkout with him there to get used to it?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable though, it’s not too much to ask for her to help you around the house. And calling breastfeeding disgusting is really immature (and totally what I’d have said at 14!), not sure why some posters think that’s fine for her to say. Some of these comments seem like huge overreactions, you’re not asking her to become an unpaid maid and babysitter 🙄