to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

Yes I can't stress this point enough I don't mean help raise/look after a baby I mean the odd help round the house just 15 - 30 minutes per day make me a tea, put the dishwasher on, nip to get some milk/bread e.t.c.

I agree. Surely it's good for their self esteem to realise that they can do these things for themselves.
How else are they going to grow up and be a fully functioning adult.

Obviously children should t be treated as slave labour but a couple of age appropriate jobs aren't going to hurt them.

Yes it's a few chores to help me out that's all, I'm not expecting her to help "raise" the baby

Did she do any of this before you had a baby?

If not, why would you expect her to do it now?

There are plenty of adult posters on MN who hate self scan and get flustered by it. It’s not a big reach to understand that a 14yo who has never shopped on her own to be a bit anxious about it.

I might be being a bit harsh here - but you sound very like a lot of parents I see around who are very comfortable in the early years of parenting but have no clue how to do older years. So just have more children that they can mother through the early years. With no empathy about the impact on their older children.

You say you’re close. I have a DD a little bit older. If at 14 she had been only comfortable going out with friends when parents were present I would have felt like here is something very wrong in her life arc and focussed on fixing that. That’s a level of anxiety that a 14yo shouldn’t have. They should be pushing boundaries (which is a whole other parenting challenge) and trying to find a path to adulthood. It’s part of growing up but absolutely needs parental support as they navigate that. They need you in their corner.

But you decided to have another child so she’s probably feeling like she’s even lower down the pecking order. And from what you’ve said the needs of the younger supplant the needs of the older. She’s asking for your help and you’re ignoring her and making her feel uncomfortable for even asking for it.

I have a very individual and independent 16 year old. I taught her to be that in spite of the restrictive lockdown rules. It’s your job as a parent. It doesn’t just happen by magic.

You can’t decide to unhave your latest baby, nor should you want to wish that. But you shouldn’t ignore the fact that you have a 14yo to parent at the same time. So you need to meet all of your children’s needs. Not just the baby’s. And yes I know that might sound overwhelming. But it needs to be done

Edited for rubbish typo :)

Not unreasonable asks at all and I think you know it, so trust your instincts! I think you can ignore a lot of the posts on here and trust your instincts. Yes it's not ideal you didn't ask her to help out prior to the baby but you are where you are and you have to start somewhere.

As for expecting her to pop down the shops for you while baby was asleep on you ?? What .. the hell ! You'll be asking her to climb up the chimney next

Strange OP seemed not to think it was important she did that before.

Because she is asking her to?

Thank you so much for your fair, constructive advice

Because she is asking her to?

Sure. That works with teenagers when you have never expected or encouraged them to lift a finger ever.

OP is reaping what she sowed.

I'd be pretty pissed off if when I was 14, at the start of the 4 most important years of school, my mum decided to have another baby instead of spending that time supporting me.

OP, I am absolutely baffled at the people who have said ‘did you even ask her’ - you do not need her permission to have sex and have another baby. How ridiculous.

she probably needs a little more adjusting time, I put all of her behaviours down to being just feeling out of sorts and needing time to ease into the change.

To be fair, a significant proportion of 14 year olds are perpetually pissed off with the fact that their parents even exist beyond providing a constant source of snacks, money and transportation.

The daughter hasn’t left the house on her own since she was in year 6 and even has an adult chaperone when she goes out with her friends. Expecting her to go to the shops on her own and deal with the self scan machine which she admits feeling anxious about IS a big ask. The average 14 year old can do it but asking the dd to do something that is massively out of her comfort zone was always likely to fail.

Teenage years are notoriously difficult times. She is coping with all of the hormones, the life changes and developmental leaps teenagers do…and then there’s the HUGE adjustment of a new baby to your dd’s life on top. She’s still a child. She needs nurturing and still has needs. She isn’t there to be an extra pair of hands but to be your daughter and a big sister. I’d say you need to work hard on your relationship with her to keep her feeling loved and secure forcing her to help will make things worse. Ignore the comments about breastfeeding…it probably is uncomfortable for her but she’ll get used to it eventually.

Plenty of families have newborns and teenagers. My brother had the most amazing relationship with his baby sister, born when he was 14.

YABU she’s a child facing huge upheaval and losing the sole focus of her mum and for some reason you think she is responsible for helping out with the baby? No. That’s your job and baby’s dad’s. If baby’s dad is not able to be around you need to find other support and not expect a child to do adult jobs.

I really hope you don’t think I’m piling on and being overly critical. I’m trying to be helpful. It’s not quite the same scenario but my DD was 11 turning 12 when we went into lockdown and you can imagine what that did for the usual arc of them learning independence. I recognised that a lot of those tiny learning milestones had been missed - one of which was going to the local shop, learning to self scan (which is horrible if you get stopped and have to rescan, DD was hysterical the first time that happened to her because she thought she’d accidentally shoplifted and was about to get sent to prison :))

The solution for me was to work the problem - work out what the “missed learning opportunities” were and get her all over those. Including making her self scan with me at her side.

if your DD is 14 remember that she’s missed out on a lot of life learning opportunities because of Covid. She sounds like she’s more anxious than the average 14 year old. So you need to support her in getting past that point even with a new baby. She’s telling you that she loves and still needs to be her mum. Just listen to her.

And congratulations on your new baby :)

i seem to be getting the impression that you're just expecting your 14yo to gain independence by osmosis.

Yes, the anxiety levels are unusual, but what have you done to help her work through them other than ask her to do stuff and then seemingly get annoyed when she says no?

Sure, using the checkout is 'common sense' but have you stood there and talked her through it/shown her, then gradually let her do it by herself bit by bit until you could stand back and her do it while you stand by her side and do it all by herself.. then repeated that until she's confident? Then slowly stood further away while she did it herself?

What have you done to encourage her to go places on her own without you? Even if its just next door to deliver a card? Or a walk to the post box to stick a letter in? Why would you assume just because she is 14 and you have a newborn, that she's suddenly going to develop this amazing independence and be able to help you by doing something she has NEVER done before?

Kids don't just learn stuff without us teaching, anxious kids certainly don't without plenty of input and encouragement to help build their confidence.

I don't think you're a crap parent at all, but you need to learn how to parent a teenager, not just abandon teaching them thinking they can learn it on their own.

yes because you are changing the terms of play without having prepared her for that. You cannot expect a child to go from no chores to suddenly being able to do chores because you had a child. Your job as a mother is to prepare her for life by having her, by the age of 14, doing regular chores and going to shop etc. You didn’t so she can’t. Your fault.

Popping to the shops isn't an "adult job" and if you'd bothered to RTT you'd know that the 14 yo is the eldest of 4, all with the same Dad.

Mine can’t even handle seeing people kiss on screen. ‘eww, gross’ is her standard response at 14.

This! I mean we teach our children how to do things by letting them have a go from a young age and slowly fostering independence so by the time they are teens they are capable. It’s mad to think you’ve taught her no skills and she will somehow just magically have skills.

I’m surprised that you haven’t picked up on this being an issue- she seems to have very little of the normal independence of girls her age and then you suddenly expect her to go to shops when she , by your own admission, hasn’t done this before . I would be quite concerned by this behaviour , she needs help to stand on her own two feet, and for herself not just to help you out now there’s a new baby

my 10 year old dsd can go to the shop because we spent last two years teaching her how to. This mum has never expected her child to do any chores and now she is expecting her to magically be able
to do something she hasn’t been taught to do and is anxious about? Yes it is the adults job to provide for their child which includes shopping!

So as her Mother, how are you helping her deal with this (other than coming on MN to moan about her)?

Cut the girl some slack. This is a big upheaval for her at what is a tricky age anyway. She needs some time with her Mum to help her navigate being a teen and gaining more independence.