to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

She's still a child herself....mixed in with the teenage hormones...sorry OP.....yabu

Yeah I was thinking the pocket money thing

My child was anxious about doing that sort of thing alone when young.

First I let them do the check out with me standing beside them.
Then with me hovering near the checkouts but not right next to them.
Then I stayed at the doors of the shop.
Then I waited outside.
Then eventually, they were able to go themselves and do it all without me.

Didn't happen all in one go, but over time letting them get comfortable with each step.

All this was long before 14 though and we started in a smaller, quieter shop before moving on to bigger ones.

She needs time and attention from you to build up her confidence at doing these tasks.

She also needs to see you getting your 2 boys involved in doing small things as well, so she doesn't feel she's being used because she is a girl/the oldest.
To her, she is a child just as her younger siblings are and it's not fair for you to ask only her to do things if they get to do nothing.
It doesn't matter she did nothing at their ages, that is your fault and the cause of most of your problem now.
She should have been doing little bits all along.

They all need teaching and it's your job, or your husbands job to do it.

More confident kids need less steps, but parents are the ones who are supposed to work this out and help their child become capable of being an independent adult.

I’ve been partly responsible for small children since I was 6 years old and my first brother arrived. The constant “watch your brother, why weren’t you watching him?” was far too much to put on me.

Getting her involved in some age appropriate chores is absolutely fine. Just be encouraging (thanks, this is so helpful!”) rather than militant.

Well however much she knows or doesn't know. Really? It's standard for all teenagers to have this embarrassment factor that their parents are having sex?

And yes! I have taught her that

Not too much to ask, but very poor planning on your part to suddenly drop that on her right now. Even if you didn't have a baby if out of the blue she's suddenly told that she has to do stuff that she's never done before, it wouldn't be surprising if there was some pushback - especially as you describe her not being independent at all e.g. not wanting to be left alone in the house. You have had months to plan and work on this e.g. could have started to get her to do more things, go places alone, be left for longer.

I think that's a bit harsh

Nonsense. Why should she pull her socks up to help with a baby that isn't hers. She isn't the mum. Yes people can't expect to be sibling free but it is embarrassing at her age. She probably has a lot of fair emotions about it. She should be cut some slack by the adults in her life. She isn't one

I'm hoping this isn't really the more you write. If it's real, then you have completely failed your daughter and are now unsympathetic to her anxiety. You don't seem to have any idea on how to parent, you think things just magically happen as they get older. 4 kids and clueless. Fucking awful.

Well yes, that's your problem. You didn't get her to do anything for herself or others before the baby was born and she now sees it as being a consequence of the baby that she's been pushed into this new role.

A lot of these poster reacting negatively towards you are just being nasty because they are behind a keyboard. The reality is most people wouldnt tolerate this from their teen daughter, she is being immature and it seems not in control of her manners. Yes, have a word, set some boundries but be careful not to shout, taunt or critisise, you have to handle this with care. Newborns are hard work, dont neglect your needs and your new babys. This time will pass and she will get more of your time. Age gap siblings can be close. you will have to work hard to make sure they create some sort of bond. In the meantime, dont put up with bad behaviour and cheekiness under your roof. Your response should be proportionate to the behaviour. Make sure her dad or your partner is able to make up a little for your absence. Good luck.

So many weird soft types on here. A 14 year old should absolutely be able to nip to the shop and buy things when you need. Jeez, back in the 80s and earlier kids were doing chores, giving money to parents from a paper round, picking up siblings from school and not moaning about it. Now apparently a 14 year old is as fragile and to be protected like a 2 year old toddler. However, I’d still say YABU OP because you brought her up to be like this and not to have autonomy so you made a rod for your own back.

Oh I can't leave baby with her, she won't even stay home alone herself even for 5 minutes.

This says an awful lot. I can understand your expectations of her but….. you having a newborn isn’t suddenly going to make her into something that she clearly wasn’t before the birth of her youngest sibling. Having chores and going to the shops should have been things she should have already been doing. You’ve enabled her immaturity and now you’re acting like it’s nothing to do with you.

Unless there are SN issues then it’s time you cultivate responsibility and independence in your 15 year old. Why is she reluctant to be on her own in the house? Why does she struggle with going to the shops? Why haven’t these struggles been worked through with her before? Did you really think these struggles would magically disappear once your focus was divided?This will be have to be handled sensitively because you don’t want it to appear that you are abandoning her to your newborn.

Separate your expectations of her from your newborn. She’s part of a family and everyone has to do their bit, including her. She isn’t doing you a favour, she should be doing her bit.

When my DDs started going out on their own more with friends, both of them admitted to being quite nervous about interacting with "strangers" (shop assistants, baristas, waiting staff etc.).

I thought (to myself) that it was a bit odd, as they are both fairly confident and outgoing, but each of them felt inexplicably anxious about the possibility of being "forced" into a situation where they would need to speak to someone in a shop/café etc.

I wondered if it was as a result of the isolation during Covid, but speaking to other parents of similarly aged teens, it appears to be fairly common.

I suspect it could be because a lot of their interactions are online, rather than face to face, so they simply haven't had the practice that we would have had at their age.

They've just had to get used to it by practising, there have been a few occasions where I've prepped them via a bit of role play for something like returning something for a refund, and that has helped to build their confidence. I wonder if something like that might help your DD, OP?

IYANBU, I would expect a 14 year old to do some basic tasks around the house, and to use a bit of initiative if they see Mum struggling, particularly as you don't seem to be expecting too much from her. I would definitely spend some time building her confidence in going out and about though, it's for her own benefit (although having an extra pair of hands available to pop to the shops wouldn't hurt!)

But she will have never been to the shop on her own until she just goes for it?

Thank you so much. I feel some comments are just way too harsh and talking like I am the worst mother in the world and got me a bit upset,I have not neglected my daughter in any way we have always been really close and still enjoy spending time together. Yes I take some of the points surrounding chores and stuff but I came here for advice not to be humiliated and told I am a terrible person/parent

Jesus, has everyone collectively lost their minds? My grandmother was one of eleven. The children shared two bedrooms between them, and there were five or six to a bed. The children looked after their siblings, did chores and did as they were told by their parents. All 11 of them turned out as hard-working, respectable citizens.

Did their parents agonise over the feelings of their existing children when they had further children? No. Contraception wasn’t a thing and everyone just got on with it. The idea of tip-toeing around a spoilt, moody teenager or considering that they have an opinion as to whether they want more siblings is insane.

But the obvious reason before new baby may have been that she was busy parenting her younger siblings?

Nipping to the shops is not a big ask, planning the perfect moment to do this to prepare a 14 year old for such a low responsibility task feels like helicopter parenting IMO.

A friend of mine who has 4 kids had her fourth when the eldest was around the same age. She was absolutely clear that the baby was hers and her husband’s and her older kids were not free childcare.

Sure at 14 DD should be able to go to the shop but that’s not the point.

So what is your point? OP has not asked DD to act as free childcare, she asked her to go to the shops.

I’m sure there a bit of all this. Do they share the same Dad?

What does that even mean? "Nobody is entitled to be sibling free"

Having a sibling should not be a responsibility

I don’t understand any of the people commenting on posts on Mumsnet, me and my friends must be on a completely different planet to most women. Yes it was your choice to have a child but asking a 14 year old to nip to the shop isn’t asking her to take over the parenting is it? 😂 honestly, I wouldn’t even be saying it’s for the baby, she’s a teenager, she lives with you and asks you for help I’m sure so she can help you in return now and again surely. Teenagers are selfish but I don’t think being firm with your insistence on some help is unreasonable. I can’t believe someone asked you why you couldn’t go to the shop yourself 😂 I mean, I just believe you that it wasn’t possible or very tricky in that moment but some people clearly have issues taking things at face value!