to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

Not that young that she couldn’t do simple things to help, eg pass items to you. I remember helping with my sibling and I was younger than your DD. I think you’ve identified the problem here.

Start to ask her to do things - not to do with the baby, just normal household things like changing the loo roll, taking clean washing upstairs. Ask your younger children to do age appropriate things too. Model helping as much as possible with a very young baby: show how you identify someone needing help and offer it.

I’d say she also needs to learn a bit more independence too if she can’t/won’t go into a supermarket by herself. Do it in baby steps, but do it soon. She does sound quite immature for her age.

So you didn’t notice she was anxious? And she wasn’t, as you expected trying to get an independent streak. And you didn’t notice until the baby was born?

How have you not sought help for her anxiety yet, or helped her work through things?

It’s ok learning and not doing it with the next 3. But you oldest daughter needs you. She doesn’t need you to learn and support the next 2 better.

If you have never spoke about her feelings regarding the baby, never noticed she has anxiety, never noticed she wasn’t looking to get some independence (as you expected), never gone through normal everyday tasks at a level she understands, then you aren’t as close as you think.

Talking to older children about an incoming baby, it’s an entirely normal conversation. I am really surprised you haven’t had this a couple of times with her, if you are so close.

@Choochoo21

for goodness sake, OP asked her to pop
to the shop for something! Hardly akin to sending her ip
a chimney. In a few years this girl could be off to uni!

Because there’s a 14 year gap.

How old is the baby?

Your child, you’re the parent. However, go back 20 years and ask must would have been the norm. It’s how children learnt to parent. Not saying it’s right or wrong though

Surprised at all the people saying YABU.

YANBU at ALL to expect respect from your daughter. Whatever happened to family helping family out?

There's two other kids in between.

I can see there’s been a huge amount of posts by the OP since I posted giving more detail.

The 14 year old is the eldest in a family of four children. We all know that the eldest ends up having to help out with the younger kids. They don’t like it! They didnt ask to be part of a large family and they didn’t ask to be surrogate parent when the parent is busy. It’s going to come down to personality at the end of the day. At 14 I would have helped out quite happily but obviously the OPs 14 year old isn’t happy to pick up the slack.

The only other thing you could do is make helping out part of the chores that earn her pocket money. If there’s a bribe at the end she’s more like to be compliant.

Love this post.

I don't think you should be expecting help with baby care but general chores absolutely she and siblings should be doing.

It maybe seems that you haven't expected them to do much as previously you've being doing most of it? But with a new baby I'm guessing it's obviously harder for you. Your children should have been doing chores before in my opinion, so I don't see an issue with them starting now. It'll take some adjusting for them I imagine. If your DD suffers with anxiety she will need help for that, and perhaps chores that will be more suited for her. Going to the shops might not be ideal for a teenager with anxiety, but household chores fine.

Yes its too much to ask.

If you treated her like a child before the baby and had her do nothing that shouldn't change.

It was your choice to have a baby.

You need to speak to DH to do more.if you need help.

You say you've never parented a teenager before. But you've been parenting a teenager for two years at least. And it never struck you, in those two years, that most other teenagers are hanging out in shopping centres at weekends with their friends? Your daughter's inability to function didn't strike you as odd at all? And you say you are a close family, have you been observing her behaviour during the years that she's been a teenager?
Because it's not normal at all. To the extent that your DD doesn't need everyone piling on to say how they were cleaning the oven single handed at the age of three and she should definitely step up. She needs either therapy or very careful handling.

I can’t believe what I am reading on this thread, did the OP ask her before she got pregnant, seriously! This is family and everyone has to help. The majority of us are mothers, can we not support each other more? When did children become the rulers?

YANBU OP. It’s no different to my DD complaining about doing the recycling, suck it up buttercup. 🤷‍♀️

You really think this is the case? She is only 14

What are you implying? That she doesn't know where babies come from?
Please tell me you at least taught her that...

My just 14yo will happily go to the shop for me but it's not far. His washing up was awful yesterday, actually left food clinging on to oven trays and everything covered in grease needed a rewash. He also walked away leabing sides unwired despite repeated asking. I was not asking a lot. I just cooked a lovely meal. I wanted a hand to clear up.

Also he lay on the floor and screamed like a toddler because we took snap chat off him after he was repeatedly caught messaging his GF after 11pm. He was well warned.

I honestly think they are worse at that age than a toddler!! At least a toddler isn't going to demand a lift to their mates, tell you they will be a couple of hours then message at tea time saying they can't possibly leave their mate alone as he's with a load of girls and his mate would be mortified without back up.

So teens being pains is the norm. Probably need to encourage her to do normal 14yo chores and don't expect her to help with baby.

I just feel a bit like taking a 14 year old to the shop and walking them step by step how to scan and bag items is treating her like a 5 year old. And she knows how to do them it's just a anxiety of being alone with no parent that's her problem. But there's only one solution to that - you just have to go for it eventually!

If she can't grow up and help out rather than being waited on I highly recommend removing her favourite apps and locking down her phone so she can't install them without your permission!!

Yeah I'd agree that's just babying her. Anxiety is an over used excuse now. Funny how Anxiety kicks in around going to the shops for her mum but not I will wager when it comes to going out with friends ?

A week

You can’t turn the clock back but I think the problem is you didn’t ask her to do anything before the baby is born, so now you’ve disrupted her life and expecting her to step up more. So a bit of a double whammy. I imagine many kids would find their mums breastfeeding a bit yuck!

@the3e7s OP, some of these responses are mental.

A well adjusted mature 14 year old should of course be willing to help out their mother with a chore related to their new sibling now and again!!!

It's part and parcel of being part of a family and she's no longer a child.

And as for those saying you should have gone to the shops yourself, or didnt ask for a sibling, what the actual hell. Teenagers should absolutely have some empathy and be mucking in, and I'd be mortified if my kid didn't. I can't imagine how some teenagers of some posters are going to cope in adulthood if there's zero expectations of them at that age.

No doubt she's just being a moody teenager but I'd be having a word