to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

At 14 I considered myself adult. Although my Mum will bring up one time, when I had come home from school and refused to go back to the shops for her, mostly I was helpful.

My mother went out to work at 14. She passed her 11+ and her 14+ .

Why do you assume they don't have the same dad?

I feel sorry for her tbh. She’s in those tricky teenage years, already has two younger brothers to compete with for your attention and now a new baby to deal with as well. As the oldest sibling she’s the one expected to sort herself out and get on things without a fuss but instead of helping her feel included, you’re getting cross with her for not making your life easier.

I’d concentrate on trying to have a bit more quality time with her, try and build a bit more of a bond and make time to listen. If she feels important and valued by you, she’s much more likely to want to help out.

I'm with you and the OP, cannot believe the posters on here. My 13 year old is expected to help out with chores every day, and wouldn't argue about going to the shop to pick something up! I don't agree that children of this age shouldn't be asked to help out, it's part of what will make them well rounded and responsible, and they get privileges like their phones etc when they help out. And re the age gap thing and not having asked to have a sibling, yeah I get she feels like that now but I'm pretty sure in years to come when parents are old etc she is going to be extremely grateful to have a sibling.

And that is more of a problem. You want her to grow up but up until now you didn't teach her any independent skills. You just expected her to pick them up when you could no longer do them. Classic pitfall of a lot of parents. If you want you child to be confident, helpful and independent then you need to start teaching them early.
I profoundly disagree with all the people who say "she don't chose to have a sibling". It shouldn't matter. Any of us would pass something on to a breastfeeding stranger (and wouldn't comment it was gross, I hope) and do something our friend, family or work colleague/manager asked us to do. We wouldn't launch into "well, you didn't consult me when you took on this client project so I won't do what you ask me", would we?
It's common courtesy and manners.

Bumped into DC's friend yesterday who is 20 and has a younger sister age 5. Friend mentioned that he is the 5yo's fave person. Unthought that was so sweet.

This is your problem! Why on earth hasn’t she been doing chores? Trying to start now as a result of the baby is going to foster her resentment. I’d reframe it to her as “this is being a part of a family” not “I need help now the baby’s here”

Well, your DD is not incapable but has some anxiety. Take her to the supermarket but stand back and let her do the scan and pack, step forward if needed but only if she's truly unstuck. She could call the assistant. Do this several times, moving further away building up to waiting outside then having her go on her own. You need to help her get over this, it's a practical life skill.

I think the mistake you have made is not introducing some chores before baby arrived. To your dd it looks like she's picking up slack because of the baby and that would be unreasonable. However I don't think the chores you list are unreasonable for a nearly 15 year old. Maybe do a chore chart give all the children age appropriate chores and yourself and dad so she's not being singled out and building resentment.

And re the trip to the shop I would not force that one. You said she won't even be left home alone so it sounds like she's refusing due to feeling anxious about it rather than being a brat

If you know she has anxiety, then why are you getting mad with her because she won’t do something you know she’d really struggle with.

You telling her to do something that she struggles to do, is going to give her even more anxiety.

Why not just have her help you do the shopping.
Get her to scan it whilst you pack it, then next time get her to scan and pack and then next time scan, pack and pay.
Then get her to do half of the shop on the one next to you, whilst you do the other half.

Throwing anxious people into the deep end, doesn’t cure them, it makes them worse.

I would try and get your other 2 to be more independent too.
Its easier to start young when they don’t have any anxiety or cares about what other people think about them.

I definitely think I’d ask DH to take some more time off if possible, as it sounds like you are finding it difficult.

Absolutely this

Is popping to the shop an adult thing? Mine have done it since the age of 10

🙄

Well that's the problem, you've been far too soft on her in the past and now you expect her to be help you when you've never enforced this before and she will see that as only because the baby has came along.

You sound like my mother @the3e7s. Every time she popped another baby out, I was expected, as if by magic, to have skills and responsibilities I had never been taught and was then criticised for not ‘contributing more’.

She would have considered her expectations ‘helping a little’ too, rather than the reality of ‘well you’re the eldest and a girl, so being a house maid and baby sitter is not a big ask and you should just know how to do it all’.

You excuse yourself by saying you have never raised a teenage before so didn’t know she wouldn’t learn skills off her own bat.

She’s never been a teenager before. You have.
If you couldn’t use your common sense to understand how you might even begin to parent her based on having been a teenager yourself, then I really don’t know what to say.

But at least you’ve got people weighing in criticising your daughter and calling her names, so you can feel vindicated.

A clueless mother like you is the reason I knew as a teenager I would never have children, because by the time I was 18 I was sick to death of being a parent and housekeeping.

Are you serious?
14 is old enough to manage basic tasks unless you are some kind of helicopter mum who does everything for their kids and then wonders why they are still living at home at 45.

You have had a baby right when your older daughter needs you, she's going through teenage years which can be tough and is probably trying to find her place in this new situation. Watch her behaviour for cues as to how she believes she fits and be guided by that, you might need her but don't forget she needs you too

And you've never sought help for her obvious anxiety? Come on OP you know staying home alone is a teenagers dream, as would being thrusted money and told to buy a treat for doing a fairly basic and easy favour. I'm shocked you're so blase about her tbh, she's clearly struggling with anxiety or resilience and you're just pissed she wouldn't go to the shop.

Congratulations on the new baby!
I can imagine it must be frustrating the way your daughter is behaving however please take into account that at 14 her brain is not fully developed. She is more than likely feeling out of place, and very jealous at the moment.
Give her time! She’s learning how to be a big sister and to share you
x

It is not like the poster is asking her dd to take care of the newborn. Any contribution to the family household is much appreciated and dc should be willing to help out!! Newborn or not! Geez. My dd is 12 and she has fetched something from the store if we needed it and I was busy. She has helped me emtpy the dishhwasher too when I was tired from doing a million other things in the house. My 4 year old has helped me hang laundry (more bc she wanted to as she likes doing it). Dc can help with tasks around the house. They should do. It is important to teach them responsibility.

You still need to parent your teenager - it sounds like that's a bit of a shock to you. They need different things from you than a baby or a 6 year old, but she still needs her mum, and she needs a bit of confidence giving to help her to make adjustments towards being a more independent young person. Go with her to the shop, get her to buy the pint of milk with you nearby but not helping unless she needs it. Ask her coaching questions rather than immediately answering any questions she has that you think she can work out for herself. Next time wait further away in the shop. Next time wait outside. Use the "eww breastfeeding" as reason to sit down with her with some educational books about female anatomy and physiology. Conversations around women's rights to breastfeed in public, what happens if we are stopped from doing that, and so on.

Oh give me a break... If I asked you to weld some piping, drive an HGV or write a press release in Mandarin, do you think you can just magically do it or would you need some support and training.
I could cook my own breakfast since the age of 7 but I still remember messing up a pot of spaghetti at the age of 14 because I never saw it cooked before and I was guilted into doing it by my mother without any instructions. I was then told I deliberately did that because I didn't want to be asked again. It was 30 years ago and it still stings to think about.
You have never parented a teenager before and here you are asking for advice. According to you, your teenage parenting skills would have naturally developed as you got older.