to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

She goes out with friends but only when a parent goes with them. She doesn't go out with them on her own.

I was 16 when my parents had my brother. I stepped up and I'm like a 3rd parent to him - I love every moment of it.

I'm sorry your daughter isn't giving you the same support. It's what families do, dating back 000's of years. Don't listen to everyone saying that she should have no responsibilities as she's a "child" - 14 is practically an adult in my eyes!

The root of the problem is her anxiety at performing tasks by herself even when I know and I think she knows she is more than capable.

The root of the problem is that you and her father never taught her to be self-reliant. That is the problem. I really hope you don't make the same mistake with your other kids.

Sometimes you need to go back to giving limited choices like you would a toddler. “We need x from the shops would like to go and pick it up for me or would you rather stay here watching TV while the baby sleeps and I’ll be back in 5 mins. If you do pop to the shops you can choose some biscuits while you’re there, or maybe take one of your brothers too and you can both get some sweets” sometimes taking a younger sibling gives more confidence as they’re not doing it all by themselves and they get to be the big responsible sibling.

She is your child, not your unpaid nanny...

You should be relying on your partner for support, not your teenage daughter.

It is a big age gap as well and she might be struggling with the new addition to your family.

Sorry your the parent. You need to get the baby organised and go yourself. It's that everyone's else with more than one child does. This is a huge change for her without her being expected to do errands for you which you are able to do yourself.

But going to clubs at 14 is inviting disaster. That’s very different than running up to the shop for milk. Don’t be disingenuous.

@Angeldelight50 "It must be a terrible shock for teenagers who have never had to put in any effort beyond picking their pants off the floor when they move out and realise life doesn’t work that way. "

Obviously. That's why you introduce things like this slowly as they grow up, not nothing nothing nothing then bam new baby while you're a teenager, out of the door you go on your own to do a task I've never asked of you before because I'm too busy.

That's going to feel very unfair to the teenager.

@NotSoHotMess24 The daughter is not “nearly an adult “ she id 14 years old, a young teenager. It’s NOT her responsibility to help care for her new sibling. What she did or didn’t do before is a moot point. The world as she knew it has been turned upside down and her mother seems to be too stupid to realise this.

OP, you say that your daughter is more than capable of doing things. But she isn't. Not if she's never done them before. The poor girl won't even go out with friends unless a parent is there? She either suffers from extreme social anxiety or she's been so over-protected that she doesn't dare to even try to do anything alone. She really does need help, there won't be a sudden conversion to capability.

Havings said noone should be asking permission of their children to have another baby, I think you made a huge mistake to do so when your teenager is clearly not functioning as one and your attention should have been on that. Don't say what you will do differently with your younger children, find a way of helping her.

Your daughter sounds extremely anxious. If she's too nervous to go to the supermarket on her own then the added pressure of having to get something urgently for you was probably very frightening for her.

Has she had any counselling? Or has she tried anxiety workbooks? At 14 she sounds quite far behind her peers if she can't be left alone for 5 minutes.

On the supermarket front could someone take her and walk her through the process and then go with her a second time where she does the transaction but has support with her in case she gets anxious?

Her anxiety sounds very severe, tackling it should be a priority.

A 14 year old who hasn't been parented is not 'nearly an adult' .

@the3e7s , you chose to have this baby. The responsibility for the baby is yours not your poor daughter. Your attitude in my opinion stinks!

Children should not need to “step up” or become a third parent to a sibling. Children aged 14/15 should also not need to support their parents, they are still children growing up. 14 is certainly not practically an adult either.

Agree with all this. Posters are just being arsey because it's AIBU but no generally it's very normal and expected to help out at home and not be rude. If she's 'struggling' with something then she needs a conversation to find out what's wrong, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't generally help out like everyone else.

What a shame for her. I have 7 DBs and am so so close to the youngest 3 as I looked after them a lot. It is a shame she is missing out on this.

To be fair she is very good at picking up and cleaning after herself. Her room is always spotless and she the only one who puts her washing down rather than leaving lying around. She also the only one who turns off toaster switch after making toast or crumpets and always puts her plate in dishwasher

I wouldn’t think it would be okay if you were expecting an extra pair of hands like another parent or nanny. I’d be quite upset by that actually.
but chores, and being considerate to a mother who has just given birth and is still recovering, is good manners. Being helpful as a family member should be expected at all ages, obviously within reason and should be appropriate (like a 4 yo can bring mum a nappy - it’s helpful). Saying breastfeeding is disgusting or whatnot isn’t polite or considerate. If something is bothering her about it, she’s old enough to approach you respectfully and have a good conversation.
the problem here is you’re only trying to teach her about chores and helpfulness now, rather than before baby is born and that’s going to be very hard and unfair!
can dad help you figure out how to teach responsiblity and being helpful to family members at this time? It’s a really hard and late time to teach this! Definitely start with the other kids as well. Even a 2 year old can help (obviously, again, something very small and age appropriate)

Perhaps I am missing something but I can’t see how asking a 14 year old to walk two minutes down the road and swipe a pint of milk at the self check out is an overwhelming task. How gradual can you be? It’s not as if she has asked her to plan a dinner menu and do a weeks worth of shopping.

Perhaps I am missing something but I can’t see how asking a 14 year old to walk two minutes down the road and swipe a pint of milk at the self check out is an overwhelming task.

The op has said her 14 year old has never gone to a shop on her own.

@Angeldelight50
You can do it before the obvious only reason you're asking is because you have a new baby to parent.

But you were a teenager once, OP, how did you learn chores? You must have been taught when to do and when, gradually picking up bigger ones?

Your teenage daughter doesn't know how to do any of them because she's never had to do them before. She needs to learn them, just like anybody else.

She find you having a baby (i.e. sex) disgusting, that is what it is. She is a teen, the thought of her parents having sex makes her sick, this is normal. This is why aristocrats pop them out one after another, when they can't understand a thing about parents having sex, etc.