to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

There’s your problem. My DS1 was nearly 8 when DS2 was born. He fetched nappies and other stuff for me and helped clear the table etc. You're going to have to start now with them all, not just the eldest. The boys can fetch and carry stuff within the house at their ages. If she sees them being asked, she might be more willing to help herself.

What did you need so desperately from the shop that you had to get a neighbour to do it and not wait for DH to get home?

If you’re struggling so much then your DH is going to need to take some annual leave of something to help you out more.

She should not have extra responsibilities just because you chose to have another baby.

I feel really sorry for this poor girl.
You are struggling to cope and you are taking it out on her, which is really unfair.

I don't understand how you are very close but haven't spoken about the biggest thing happening in both of your lives, especially when you know she is an anxious child. Did you avoid it on purpose because you knew she wasn't feeling positive about it?

Sorry OP she sounds a spoilt brat . No wonder teens are going off the rails when absolute no expectations have been made of them ever .

She is not used to doing chores or helping and gets what she want money wise with no need to earn it .
You are reeping what you've sowed I'm afraid .

What a strange assumption. There is nothing dirty or unpleasant about a mother feeding her child. As I said further up, my stepdaughter coped perfectly fine. If your teenager can't, you've done a very poor job of educating them.

If for some insane reason you choose to have another baby after such big gaps then you should be doing the jobs.

This, lots of change happened and to happen soon? Where's the baby's room going to end up being? Will the 14yo have to share? Or be other moved?

I think you are getting a hard time. If you had missed out the newborn and just said she wasn't willing to help or pop to the shop you would have been told she is being a pity little madam.

My mum had my brother when I was 15, she seemed to forget that I existed except to ask for help with washing, cleaning cooking and looking after my younger siblings. She never had one thought to the fact that I was only 15 and had my own stuff going on, exams, friendship issues, generally trying to navigate the world and I could have really done with a bit of support. By the time I was 17 I was fed up with it all, managed to scrape into Uni and moved into halls. I never went home much at Uni as I was treated like a free babysitter and house maid when I did go home. The best thing I ever did was move away and go NC. I have the most wonderful MIL who treats me like a daughter and she’s been a huge part of my life since I was 18.

It’s not a 14/15 year olds fault that their parents choose to have more children and they shouldn’t be expected to “help” with siblings.

It sounds like this teenager is very anxious and should be being supported in that.

grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake. She’s still trying to navigate the world and this was something my mother used to say. My advice would be make time for her when no other siblings are around. Don’t make the mistake my mother made as she’s now living to regret how she treated me and I can never forgive her for that.

My 14 year old can handle conversations with strangers really well, my 17 year old can't. My 17 year old can stand up in front of a crowd and perform, my 14 year old can't. All teens are not the same. What your stepdaughter can handle is irrelevant to what the ops dd can handle.

What is relevant is noticing what your kids can't handle and working on helping them learn. Not shaming them or getting angry at them for struggling.

I've often encouraged her to go to the shops or the local takeaway to get a treat herself, however she always refuses. I'm thinking the idea of taking her and let her practise with me there is worth a shot but I don't think it tackles the root of the problem. The root of the problem is her anxiety at performing tasks by herself even when I know and I think she knows she is more than capable.

You need to show her how to do those things. Then you need to be with her while she does those things. Only then will she feel confident to do them on her own.

This post summed up exactly what I think.

I've got a 14 year old DD and she's expected to help around the house she lives in, but would I expect her to seamlessly adjust to this? Absolutely not.

They are so much more emotionally delicate than people allow for & being a teenager is bloody hard. Adding an (unasked for) sibling to the mix , without giving considering how their world changes feels really unfair to me.

Thinking breastfeeding is "disgusting" doesn't fall into the category of "thing which takes confidence and feels scary." It's not scary. It doesn't require confidence to be respectful when someone is breastfeeding. Trying to stop an adult partner from breastfeeding is classed as domestic abuse. If a teenager was doing anything else that would be considered abusive in an adult there'd be no hesitation whatsoever in telling them to cut it out or face a consequence.

No didn't avoid it at all just I thought not really would be interesting to her and didn't feel the need to have a deep conversation about it. I didn't avoid the subject or anything I was actively asking her opinion on baby names and cute outfits e.t.c

Anxiety about performing tasks herself sounds unrelated to a new baby and should be treated as such.

What are you doing to address this?

The new baby thing is going to slow this down not improve it, so I'm not sure why the new baby is being mentioned as if that is a reason she should suddenly be better at something? It's probably a reason for her to be worse at it.

Help her as you would have before a new baby was on the horizon.

You said earlier she gets money to go places with her friends then you've said she only walks to school with them, that's it. (and can't be home alone for more than 5 minutes!) Which is it? Is she nt? Because a child in year 10 is normally (ime of 30 years teaching) a whole heck more independent.

Never had chores to do because you've done everything for her? You've made a rod for your own back there, but she does sound extremely spoiled and totally unprepared for life doing GCSEs. She surely knows how to buy stuff in a shop? She must have seen you doing it thousands of times.

I do wish people would at least read the OP's posts. Same dad to all 4 kids, not an only child and baby is not a half sib!

I’m sorry but this is ridiculous! Why didn’t you teach her to do chores and help out slowly, over time? Why haven’t you taught her to go to the supermarket alone or even stay in the house alone gradually? You haven’t helped her to become more independent, you’re just expecting her to suddenly change just because you’ve had a baby, whilst dealing with all of the feelings that come with that at 14.

This is on you I’m afraid.

You don't teach a child how to ride a bike by sending them out the door while telling them to put their feet on the pedals and pedal. You have to show them, and then be with them until they feel safe enough on their own.

Are you really that dense?

I remember when my best friend parent's had a baby and my friend who was 12 at the time was mortified, embarrassed and furious. This lasted all through her teenage years, the age gap was so big, being mid teens and having a toddler then infant school sibling was of no interest to her. Sister was only 6 when my friend left home to go to uni. They have never been close, from the parent's perspective it was like having two different families.

Poor kid. I feel so very sorry for her. You should be ensuring you don’t completely fuck up your relationship with her, not treat her like a mothers help.

As someone who had to help out doing bottles, nappies and babysitting as a teenager I came on here fully ready to flame you but having read your post, I agree with you.

OP isn’t allowed to ask her 14 year old to nip to the shop for her? Seriously?

It must be a terrible shock for teenagers who have never had to put in any effort beyond picking their pants off the floor when they move out and realise life doesn’t work that way. I actually think it’s important parents in-still a level of responsibility and resilience in their children.

Not to derail the thread but.. I am in my 30s (so not particularly old) and I see a noticeable difference in the attitude of graduates we have recently recruited at work. A certain ‘why should I’ entitlement. They had to learn it from somewhere..

Fuck off. Shes not yr maid.

Look it's like choosing to potty train a toddler just as a new baby arrives.

Sure, you can.

Sure, the toddler needs to be potty trained.

Is when a new baby arrives the best time to do it? Hell no.

You're choosing to start independence training for your teen girls just as a new baby arrives. You can. Yes, she does need to learn independence. But just as a new baby arrives? Bad idea.