to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

She sounds anxious and underconfident and may be feeling weird about the new baby. I'd say go to the supermarket with her first time and ask her to pretend you aren't there and see how she gets on - just guide her gently if she's getting in a flap. Then the next time she can go alone. Get her a bank account, teach her how to use revolut or similar simple banking app. Tell her you'll pay her a little allowance tied in to chores which can include baby-related ones.

Please don't tie independence so much to age - if you haven't been working on her independence so far then that's not her problem.

Is this how you were brought up? Never asked to do chores but once you reached 14 you were just expected to know how to do things and be independent?

Omg seriously this is why we have a generation of entitled selfish brats as nobody expects anything of teens. She should absolutely be helping being part of a family means contributing not only looking out for yourself.

The time to practise this is buying crisps or makeup with a friend though. Buying groceries that mum actually needs, by herself when she's not used to going out without an adult, is much more "grown-up" and stressful I'm guessing.

The real problem is OP that you have a 14 year old who has never been expected to do reasonable chores and can't be left alone in the house for 5 minutes. That's where you've gone wrong and what you need to address, but don't make it about the baby, because it's not.

My little sister (now a middleaged woman ) was born when I was nearly 16 and my brother 12 coming up to 13. We all mucked in and she was cared for by all of us, nappies, changes, bottle making, walking her when she wouldn't sleep. She just by being glued a very dysfunctional family back together in a way and was a real joy. I suppose though when my mother was born her similar age older sister did decamp to stay at her grandmothers in disgust, soon came back as regime a bit too strict even by the standards of the1930s.

As for asking kids permission to have another baby, give me strength.

I presume the newborn is yours and not hers???

Op, don't you understand that the reason your daughter is lacking in self-confidence is because you've never taught her to be self-reliant? Confidence is learned and fostered, it isn't something we are just born with. Teaching your kids life skills, which in turn teaches them problem-solving skills and how to manage adversity, is literally the foundation for success as an adult. Your daughter doesn't challenge herself because she doesn't have the skills to. Your daughter is nearly 15 and refuses to use a self-checkout, for goodness sake. Immediate action is needed here. Her anxiety over the simplest of things is only going to get worse.

But she would've been spoiled way before her teenage years anyway, with not being expected to lift a finger.

Could you not see the type of child you'd created before then? 😳

I have a 14 nearly 15 year old and she would help out sometimes I would think, but not others. It would entirely depend on her mood and I probably wouldn't push it. I was a total horror at her age.

That all stands out to me as her struggling with anxiety. Maybe in general, maybe specifically around the baby - you being distracted, noise and disruption, no longer being the only girl so feeling displaced in the family, resentment about the loss of your attention coinciding with more being expected of her, etc.

I'd try to spend some time with her, talking and making her feel heard and loved instead of coming down on her.

This.

I have a 14 year gap between my children, I didn't expect my eldest to help with the baby, it was a big change for all of us. They have a lovely relationship now and I think it's because I made sure I was the parent and respected her space and time. Yes there were.occassions she did help, IE actual emergency. They're 25 and 11 now and have a lovely bond and independent relationship.

The ops dd doesn't come across as selfish and entitled at all. She comes across as a teen who is really struggling, struggling with anxiety(too anxious to go to the shop alone) , her relationship with her mum(they've never even discussed the baby), friendships(doesn't hang out independently with friends). There are so many red flags that show her dd is not coping. I think she could probably do with some counselling and a lot of love being shown.

Well, it's a bit late, so that's why she's struggling to adjust.

You'll have to start small. Children should be doing chores from very very young, you're going to have to do baby steps.

She's too anxious to be left home alone for 5 mins and too anxious to use the supermarket till? That's not normal for a 14 year old.

If true then in the kindest possible way I think you need to stop expecting her to be "a bit more mature" and accept that your 14 year old needs your support for her anxiety. And don't ask her to do things that she's uncomfortable with. Don't ask her to fetch things for your whilst you're BFing - if she was at school you'd have to do it yourself so plan ahead and get whatever you need before you sit down to feed like you would do if she was at school.

Teenagers are self centred, she’s not going to think I wonder how mum is feeling and I will help her out. If she did she a miracle teenager.

While you can ask her to do a few things I think you need to give her a break too. It’s a big adjustment and I’m very pro breastfeeding but found it so awkward when I was a teenager and my aunty did it.

Sounds like, if she’s willing, to have a bit of a heart to heart and ask her how she’s doing too.

You’re not asking her to feed the baby, change the baby, get up at night with the baby, try to get the baby to stop crying - you’re asking her to get something from a shop and hand you things when you’re feeding the baby and can’t get up. This is definitely within the realm of normal and reasonable. When my younger daughter was a baby, I’d sometimes ask my older daughter to bring me stuff, and she was three. And a teenage girl who’s almost fifteen is perfectly capable of walking to a shop and buying something.

When I saw the thread title, I was expecting to read about a teenage girl who’d been shoved into the role of a nanny, but she’s only been “shoved” into the role of a functional teenage member of the family, YANBU.

Yes she walks to school with friends that's it.

Was she expected to do that before though, or is this new with the baby? If you're asking her to do stuff she didn't have to before, it's totally understandable that she's pushing back.

Was not commenting on the behaviour of the child of the op but the poster who said to leave her alone as she’s just a child….

If your dd is worried about stuff like the self checkout then go to the shops with her and get her to do the buying. I think that everyone who is able to self checkout today will sympathise that the first times doing it as a bit nerve wracking but practice makes perfect and try staff aren’t judging if the machine goes wrong.

Repeat this kind of support with everything that she worries about. She isn’t going to suddenly say that she’s ready so break it down and practice. Accomplishing self care tasks like going to the shops will be good for her self confidence and help her become an adult more easily. You don’t want to be one of those parents who have to drive to her to uni to change her bedding because she doesn’t know how to change a duvet cover and do more laundry.

No and just because we haven't spoke much about the baby we are not distant we are very close.

Chances are if you didn't have a new baby she still wouldn't go to the shop on her own.

She's not miraculously going to grow up just because you had a baby.

In fact she might regress for a while and behave like a younger age while she processes the changes and your sudden lack of availability and attention.

She might go to the shop for something for herself. That might be a place to start. Like herself and another young sibling could go and buy treats. Rather than being made do it.

A teenager shouldn't be expected to pick up the slack due to a new baby.

If there are tasks that needed to be done like go to the supermarket that were reasonable to ask of a teenager these should have been asked before the baby was born not suddenly after, otherwise you are expecting her to pick up the slack due to a new baby.

In her teenage years she probably needs a bit more time and parenting but will have to receive less due to the new baby. It happens but it's not ideal and is understandable that she doesn't want to suddenly do tasks due to a new sibling, as she is not the default parent just because she's the oldest.

In the past children were asked to do a lot more work like this and as a result I think it caused damage that has led to a more child focussed parenting style that allows children to be children for their whole childhood. Those who have this freedom fare better in my opinion than those who have to help out with baby siblings during their crucial teenage years because their parents are too exhausted from parenting the babies.

@MrsSunshine2b Why are you conflating breastfeeding and sex? That's weird and creepy. There's nothing sexual about feeding a baby. a 14year old does not want to see her mother's boobs at all!!!!!

Goodness OP is getting a lot of hate on this thread!!

I'm with you OP - As a nearly adult member of the household, she should be helping out, so long as it doesn't interfere with her schooling or social activities. Would be the same if someone was ill, or lost their job or whatever. She should be learning that families pull together in times of stress. If it were me, I'd do the natural consequences thing. Get a Beelivery if you need something from the shop. Next time your teenager asks for money for something, it's "sorry, I don't have anything extra to give you, as had to spend it on deliveries".

As for saying you're "gross", that's awful, crass and disrespectful.

I get it's a period of adjustment, but it doesn't excuse how she's being imo. You haven't done anything wrong having another baby!! As some on here seem to be suggesting. What an odd and disturbing mindset...