to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

It sounds like you've done absolutely nothing to start preparing her for independence and adulthood, and are now pissed off that she's acting dependent and childlike.

Baby or no baby, she should be doing regular chores at her age (on top of homework and cleaning her room) and you should have been working towards her independence for at least 4-5 years by now.

But if you've never helped her or encouraged her, then it's hardly surprising that she's behaving the way she is.

You've had a baby not lost both legs, go to the shop yourself!

Nearly 15 is not a child, but a teenager. One who should have learned by now that families work together and help each other. That's part of the social contract.

Each member of the family should be responsible for some part of the household chores, as well as shared areas. (If you get something out, put it back. If you mess it up, clean it up.)

Doing small errands or helping out with a newborn is not punishment, just a part of family life. She is NOT a "poor girl"- she's being asked to help out just like millions of older siblings all over the world.

This mum isn't expecting her daughter to give up her social life, just to give a hand when she's around. Raising a child to think they don't have to help in a family often leads to selfishness, thoughtlessness, and entitlement. None of those will be useful in life.

What's wrong with raising kids to be kind and helpful? I did; they're good, kind human beings who make a positive difference in the world. I made a lot of mistakes, but helping them become those people is not one of them.

And that is a huge, huge mistake. Children need to be taught how to be self-sufficient. Learning how to care for yourself and how to manage basic life skills builds confidence, resiliency and independence. Do you think kids shouldn't have to pitch in at all in the home they live in? How is it unreasonable to expect kids to do age appropriate chores, and how did you suppose they would ever learn to do these things for themselves?

It is mind blowing how so many parents fail to appreciate how important it is to teach basic life skills, and then, ironically, they can't understand why their teens and 20-somethings can't manage to take care of anything.

After reading the replies, have you considered gently easing them into doing some basics so they are more capable by their sister’s age?

There are lots of simple jobs that they could do now like load/unload a dishwasher, fetch you some water, help unload crates of online grocery delivery, deliver everyone’s clean laundry to their rooms etc

She's not a poor girl. She's part of a family and she can contribute to the functioning of it by popping to the shop occasionally to help her mum out. Yanbu OP.

I'm sorry to tell you that yes, if she has never been expected to do any chores at all, in a her 14 nearly 15 years on this earth, it IS too much to ask.

I know its quite common these days that parents don't expect their offspring to do any chores or lift a finger to help towards the running of the household so that they can enjoy being children. But those who are bringing their children up this way are not doing their offspring any favours. No wonder there are ever increasing numbers of self-centred and spoiled adults.

From your daughter's point of view, a new baby has now come along and your DD is having to share your affection - bad enough - but now she is also being asked to do some chores, which just proves ( to her) that you are now treating her badly because of the new baby. You said it in your post 'Now baby is here I expect............'.

You really haven't handled this well, imo. How are you going to fix it? Getting angry with her is not the answer @the3e7s . She is hurting and she still needs her Mum. It's a very difficult age.

Yes I understand this, however I have not parented a teenager before and I thought that growing up and a gaining more independence would come naturally from the individual themselve, regardless of weather i set chores previously or not.

So if you had gone to the shop would she have had to have looked after her younger brothers?

I do think she should be able to go to the supermarket for a couple of bits.

Presumably she has been with you so knows roughly where stuff is & how go through the checkout?

Agreed. Or at the very least, OP had had almost 9 months when she could have got her DD into the habit of doing some chores.

This isn't the time to get her to step up though. It's not fair to move the goalposts when she's clearly struggling to adjust to a new sibling.

Why haven't you taught her basic stuff like shopping and helping?
How has she got to 14 without going into a shop on her own?

No we haven't ever discussed the baby really or how she feels about it.

If you haven’t brought up your children to be independent from a very young age you can’t expect them to jump because there is a newborn. She must be feeling very unhappy to be treated like this.
If she were a boy would you expect the same?
You decided to have a 4th child, of course you are tired but it was your decision not your eldest daughter’s. You should employ someone to help to with the housework/ kitchen a couple of hours every day until you can manage and not expect your DD to do jobs she is not used to doing.

I don't think asking her to pass you something or fetch something from another room, or go to the supermarket is asking a lot at all!! Jesus christ I was baby sitting my nieces and nephews from being 12 yrs old (money for me, a night out a month for siblings and spouses)

Some MN kids are going to be molly coddled, wrapped in cotton wool, can't cut the apron strings kids the way some of you act like she's asking her to parent. I dread to imagine them in the workplace.

I would consider her independence/willingness to do normal age appropriate chores is a separate issue to the fact that you've got a newborn.

Yes, a 14 year old should be able to go on an errand to a local shop, help cook a meal, throw on a load of washing

They should be doing this regardless of whether their parents have a newborn.

I don't think you having a newborn places any obligation on her to any more than would be reasonable for a 14 year old.

I'm on the fence a bit here.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect a 14 year old to do some chores round the house/run errands. I also know what it's like to be a much older sibling when a baby arrives, feeling pushed out/ignored/expected to pick up the slack around the house, being treated like an extra parent, and I hated it.

I think if you're only expecting her to help out round the house generally (which she may have been doing before) that's fine. My dm used to not only send me out to run errands, she'd put baby in the pram and make me take her with me so she could have some peace and quiet.

My children have been helping at home since they were able. At 21 one is independent, the two at home are 17 and 12 and are capable of cooking, cleaning, laundry, the dishwasher, and the basics of running a household.

They know this because from being toddlers they’ve been involved. One would sort the cutlery into the dishwasher basket, one would scrape leftovers into the compost bin, one would make sure the plates were stacked in the dishwasher nicely. Wendell put away stuff together. Similar for laundry, sorting, hanging, putting away, using the machine was built into their routines from being small.

You cannot expect a child that has had this part of their learning neglected to suddenly be an extra housewife.

Don’t blame your daughter, blame her parents. Maybe make sure the next three children don’t reach 14 with such woeful gaps in their skill sets.

No we haven't ever discussed the baby really or how she feels about it.

You really should. It isn't typical for your parents to have a baby when you are that age and its probably quite confusing and embarrassing for her.

She says she is too anxious to use the self checkout in case she gets it wrong/messes it up

Oh dear.

Well, you're reaping what you've sown. 14 year olds need just as much guidance, encouragement and support as toddlers - of course she's not going to become independent when you've done everything for her and have never even shown her how to go to a supermarket by herself

This should have started years ago.

Is this a complaint or a boast?

This is a good point. And the daughter’s strategy is working, because she is now the focus of her mother’s attention. Albeit annoyance, but all attention is good attention if you’ve been feeling neglected.

You probably should.

Yes I would expect the same regardless of sex