To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

[EmeraldDreams73]

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

If it was the birthday present (which seems mad to me), I can’t think it’s just the present - so would again reiterate to OP to be kind to herself here. It may be that friend was jealous, even on an unconscious level, of the marriage / never having had the wedding experience herself and feeling deprioritised through the present compounded those feelings and brought them to the fore.

Either way, friend should have used her voice and definitely not be doing the unnecessary slow fade now.

Blimey.
Awful op, I really sympathise.

I think after a friendship of so many years the least she can do is let you know where you stand.
You've been acting thoughtfully out of consideration for her mh for all this time, but at the expense of your own given the protracted nature of it.

I think letting her know that you want to be a thoughtful friend but that her behaviour is having an effect on you and that a she is usually so caring you thought you would ask her to tell you what's going on and put you out of your misery - is it personal issues or does she just not want to be friends anymore... as this drawn out dance to a music you can't hear is just painful now.

I know you say she is kind and caring - but her behaviour is actually cruel.

How dare she treat you like this?

I wouldn’t have thought that was the reason if everything you have said about her kind nature is correct. It sounds like the current situation coincided with your wedding so it must be something to do with that. Perhaps she has wanted to get married for decades but her partner doesn’t and seeing you married for the second time (I think you said this was your second marriage but forgive me if I am wrong) has meant she is jealous of your situation. Maybe she saw your DH doing something she disapproved of like flirting with another guest, maybe she thinks you have changed since being with him as people often do. Only she knows the reason and for whatever reason she is not telling you which is very unfair and makes me think she must be protecting herself in some way by not letting on.

I don’t think it is fair you keep trying to involve your mutual friend though. The friend clearly knows what is going on and you keep trying to get her to break the confidence even though she has tried to not get involved by ignoring your insistent questioning. If you don’t stop doing this you will lose the mutual friend too.

op, you need to let her go.not for her but for you, for your own mental health you have cried too many tears for someone who doesn't deserve them. I've been in your situation so I know how much it hurts and how torturous the lack of closure is believe me, it still bothers me sometimes even now after a decade of being cut off. you sound like a lovely thoughtful and caring friend you have done everything you can do. I wouldn't respond to any half arsed messages from her, focus on the friendships you have going forward and if she ever does come back to offer an explanation/ attempts to resume the friendship then it will be your decision if you then want to hear it, I suspect you might not by then. it's so hard but you have done nothing wrong be kind to yourself let yourself grieve and move on. all the best xx

I agree that you need to find your anger.

I had a very close friend who slowly withdrew from me for no apparent reason over a couple of years, I was getting married and she didn't come to the engagement or hen party. She didn't reply to the wedding invite. She was the only person who hadn't responded. I got angry and sent her a message saying she was being cruel and no matter what was going on in her life I was a friend who cared and doing this to me was unfair. She replied apologising and said she would to come to the wedding. She came & at the wedding I told her she was important to me and if something was wrong she should tell me rather than cut me out. She hasn't spoken a word to me since (I married 4 years ago). No response to happy birthdays or merry Christmas. I gave up, stopped trying and now try not to think about her but anytime I do I'm angry rather than sad.

Completely agree, very wise words.

I've been in the same boat too and twenty years on, surprisingly, it can still sting a bit if a comment touches a nerve. It was very painful for the first year of letting go and then gradually got better.

Sorry OP but this friendship is over. She is clearly a decent person who doesn’t just want to drop you, but she has checked out completely. The sudden bursts of texts when you’ve been quiet is her guilt kicking in.

You need to drop the rope, and please don’t put your other friend in the middle.

This is an interesting thread to read because in a very similar scenario, I am your friend.
I had to do a slow ghost of my best friend of 35 years and it’s been the most painful process of my life, but had to do it for my own mental health, and wanted to offer my perspective as things are not always black and white.
I am absolutely not saying that this is what is happening in your situation, but at the age of 40 I woke up to the fact that after all the effort, thoughtful gifts, messages and surprises over the years, including doing everything for her Hen Party and bridesmaid duties, on my 40th birthday I received no card, gift, or even a message until she finally remembered.
She had form for this and initially it didn’t bother me, especially as my best friend, but it shone a light on her past behaviours and I finally saw what I never had realised before - that everything was about her, and always all on her terms.
Weeks later she finally said she’d try to drop off a gift when she had a spare minute - this, for my 40th birthday, from my “best friend” who would talk crap about other friends for not immediately wishing her happy birthday or attending her many birthday events.
I had to do a slow fade because my friend was so demanding of my time for things that benefitted her, and I was still so hurt by her lack of care for my huge Birthday, and just didn’t want to see her.
In hindsight I suddenly realised all the other things of mine that she hadn’t cared about because she wasn’t centre of attention.
It hurt so, so much, and of course I’ve heard from mutual friends that after telling everyone how hurt she was and what an awful person I am, my so called bestie was then calling me all the names under the sun when she realised I wasn’t dependent on her any more.
Finally recognised many years later in therapy that she’s very likely a covert narcissist, and although I miss her now, I’m so glad she paid no attention to my 40th which woke me up to her behaviour as I’m much better off without her.
Again, I’m not saying you are like my friend! I’m just saying there is often much more to it than you might realise - my friend will NEVER have looked inward or blamed herself for my extreme actions!

I feel so sad for you OP, but I think your friend is telling you loud and clear that she doesn't want a relationship. The only thing she hasn't done is say that to you directly, but you can't force her to do that and she is doing everything possible to say it indirectly.

You can speculate endlessly on where it went wrong, but how will that help you? You are not responsible for her actions. Even if you did something that really upset her (which I suspect you didn't) if she wanted to save the friendship then she would have given you the chance to talk about it or make amends. Perhaps she just feels that your lives are moving in different directions? You may disagree but you can't force a friendship if one person no longer wants it.

For whatever reason, your friend has decided she not longer wants a relationship with you. You've made it clear that you are sorry if you did anything to upset her and would like a relationship, but she is making it clear that isn't something she wants and, given that she doesn't want to have a conversation about it with you about why she feels this way, then I think you just have to work towards acceptance. You are a good person and have tried to be a good friend. That is all anyone could ask of you.

It's really hard to have no agency in this decision. I think you need to focus your mental efforts on coming to terms with rejection and accepting and mourning the loss of a friend and the end of a 45 year relationship, and not endlessly thinking about what you may or may not have done.

Maybe accept and process the rejection and your grief over it rather than spending all of this mental energy fighting her decision? Perhaps think of a ritual you could do to bring you some closure on this eg writing a letter to her that you don't send or going for a walk in a place that means something to you both.

And then put your time into cherishing the friendships that are still current in your life and the people who appreciate you and make you feel good about yourself.

Thank you all so much for your comments, it's helped so much. Just to clarify, I didn't forget her big birthday at all, her card was there in good time and I messaged on the day, it was the present that was really late.

I'm as sure as I can be that I've been a really good friend to her over the years and not made everything about me, and I'd have said before this that our friendship was pretty evenly balanced in terms of effort and affection. She's never wanted to get married (her DP was happy to) so it can't be jealousy. If anything given our lives it would be the other way round to be honest, but it's never been a factor for me.

Whatever it is, she's making it clear she wants to downgrade our friendship to acquaintance level and clearly doesn't want to actually have a conversation as to why. This has messed me up so much, but I need to work on accepting it - and as many of you have said, focus on the friends who do still want to be in my life.

Sad though it is, I think you're taking the right approach now, @EmeraldDreams73 – but don't be surprised if she suddenly reaches out months or even years down the line as though nothing's happened. I got ghosted by a friend of 20 years without an explanation – I only found out there was an issue when she binned me off FB – and about three years after the ghosting she reached out. I took immense satisfaction in not replying.

I did wonder if this had something to do with your ex-DH? Were they friends? Has she decided to take his side now you've remarried?

Agree that the “friend” is going low contact but disagree that it is sbout noble concern for the OP’s children. She hasn’t bothered to stay in some kind of watchful relationship at all.

Whatever it is, she's making it clear she wants to downgrade our friendship to acquaintance level and clearly doesn't want to actually have a conversation as to why. This has messed me up so much, but I need to work on accepting it - and as many of you have said, focus on the friends who do still want to be in my life.
Yup, you've said it. Nobody could have tried harder to restore the friendship you had and it's time to give up. I don't think the late birthday present is the cause of this and perhaps you won't ever know what changed. At least you know she's OK and she's happy to be in touch briefly and occasionally.

I know it’s hurtful but you have done all you could to be a good friend. I would stop all all initiating or sending gifts etc. I’d also be wary of your ‘mutual friend’ feeding stuff back to her. Let P be the one to approach you if she wants to find out what’s going on. For all you know they are both meeting and discussing you/laughing about the whole situation.

I know it will be disappointing but maybe after a year or so of not hearing anything about you (via mutual ‘friend’) then she will come to her senses, if that’s still what you want.

I'm going to be honest, no less than three friends of mine went slightly peculiar during the menopause. In all three cases, it was very similar, and involved the friend going no-contact for a while because of a perceived slight which caused them to really fly off the handle and "take [the perceived slight] the wrong way."

All three "came back" later on, admitted they had reacted in a silly way to something minor and apologized for the way they had behaved.

I'm convinced it's hormonal, honestly. Something that causes a normally level-headed person to react in a paranoid and "victimy" way towards something that they would normally just brush off or be able to see from the other person's point of view.

I'm willing to bet that it's to do with the late birthday present combined with the fact that you were getting married, causing her to interpret this as "She doesn't care about me any more in the same way," and perhaps a bit of jealousy or insecurity as well.

She may realize she was being silly, and come back to you at some point. If she doesn't.....you may just have to write the friendship off and make a conscious decision to stop caring about her. I know it's really really hard, especially with such a long standing friendship. I'm sorry this has happened to you. The grief of losing friends isn't talked about enough.

(By the way: what with this thread and all the threads moaning about Christmas presents and December birthdays at the moment, the one thing that really sticks out for me is that there are an awful lot of women in this world making their own and other people's lives really bloody miserable by being obsessed with birthday messages and presents.)

I have lost a big group of "friends" due to one of them being a daft and jealous conspiracy theorist and the others joining in and ganging up and feeding the frenzy of the conspiracy theory. They were drilling up nonsense because they were bored and jealous. (It doesn't take much).

I think your life long friend is possibly going through some menopausal mental health issues, and has projected some negative judgments on you.

Was it the attention of the second marriage? Your availability diminishing? You being a self centered bride or your self care in the run upto the wedding.

Do you think she might have created some drama with her own other half, seeking to liven her life up. Could she have used your life events to stoke some gossip/intrigue/fire or passion in her own relationship? Which might have backfired, leading her to withdraw from you.

Is this part and parcel of her mid life crisis? My 50 year old sister is behaving very erratically - being very self centered. My sister is immature and feels entitled to envy, seeks to be placated by her husband if she is envious. She weaponises envy.

Is there anything in your life that might be irking your friend? Have you achieved anything that she simply doesn't want to witness, because it's irritating for her to watch?

Did your midlife marriage ceremony compare badly to her midlife circumstances?

I think you inspired envy, she doesn't want to admit it or witness your current, happy life. She is protecting her mental health by shutting down the friendship.

Were you living in a honeymoon bubble that irritated her?

I'll probably get slammed for this and I don't mean to cause you any hurt but I'm wondering if she's unintentionally developed strong romantic feelings for your husband so she's stepped back x

And to be clear I'm not suggesting he's encouraged it in any way it's just sometimes people get under your skin, even if she's only met him a few times

My soon to be 50 year old sister mentioned this morning that she and her husband bumped into her husband mid life first cousin with his new girlfriend (of one year). After exchanging pleasantries the cousin revealed he had an amazing 2024, enjoying his new relationship.

Sister is so frustrated by her midlife, her long settled, familiar relationship. She resents the novelty in anyone else's life. She resents their liberty. She is constantly comparing her life to other people's. Constantly trying to prove her choices are best and she us better at living life than everyone else, but she is bored and cross and fed up. Despite her best efforts.

You can't control or get answers from other people however much you want to.

I'm mid 30's and my Dad has dropped me and my siblings since finding his new wife. I have tried and tried to contact him and find out why but he's just ignored all messages. It bloody hurts but there's really nothing you can do, I've taken a step back and told myself he knows where I am and I've tried my best, which you have also done.

Please stop blaming yourself and try to move on with people who want to be in your life.

Can you contact her husband?
Say you are really worried as you haven't heard from her. Is everything ok or have you done something to upset her.

@EmeraldDreams73 hello from a fellow Emerald!

I have posted a lot on here about friends who ghost/are useless.

It does seem to be an increasing problem. I could go on and on but I won't. I've just walked in and seen this thread. I did find a couple of helpful articles, but I'm not sure where they are now.

I spent a couple of years posting on here convinced it was my fault. I have finally realised it's not. I would be at money it's not your fault either.

I heard from a couple of people this Christmas. Like a generic Christmas message that they probably send I did get them last year. But like you, I think these people a Christmas message because they don't want to be seen as the bad guy and they don't want to walk away for no reason. Or possibly, they want to keep us on hand in case they ever need help with anything.

like you, I would get my hopes up and think they hadn't ghosted because of these occasional messages. But they effectively have.

I am really sorry. I know how hard this is. I think the best thing is to just walk away. I will not be responding to any messages. Unless there's a massive explanation attached to them - but that's unlikely.

In your shoes, I wouldn't respond to any messages. I think some of it is also about their image. If you have friends in common, they don't want to look bad.

Suffice to say my favourite song this Christmas has been "Merry Christmas -please don't call" by the Bleachers!

Please share those helpful articles.

Yes, I agree, friend dumping is a growing problem. Keeping people just within arms reach but essentially dumping is most definitely a thing.

I think it's mostly down to poor therapy techniques, paranoia about protecting their own mental health, excessive comparison due to the Internet, Unhealthy coping strategies and loss of real communities and real friendship, replacing those with online communities.

This friend has decided to remove herself from your life, release her, she doesn't want the friendship for whatever reason. She is not (currently) a good friend for you.

Don't contact her or her husband. Maybe get some therapy for yourself.