To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

[EmeraldDreams73]

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

Something similar happened to me. I wrote the letter too but it fell on stony ground.
For my own peace of mind, in the end I had to give up.
I miss my friend a lot. We used to laugh until we cried. I thought we had a strong bond.

It’s made me reticent about contacting others now in case the same thing happens again. I do check in from time to time but leave it open ended. Half the time, these days, we don’t have friends. They’re just acquaintances really.

If my lifelong friend was behaving like this I'd go visit.

The relationship is teetering on the brink anyway - appearing on the doorstep will either kill or cure - at least you know where you stand

My bff of 35 years lives 400 miles away - is be there in a heartbeat if I thought something was wrong!

I can definitely sympathise with your feelings of grief OP - I’d feel bereft - but you’re totally right in not contacting her parents- I’d be running for the hills if a friend did this. Actually a friend did in 2004 and I just ran further !

Could be a health thing op, surprisingly common although I had the opposite, friends withdrew from me after a diagnosis. I agree with others send a letter.

@PashaMinaMio That’s sad

Sometimes people change and grow out of friendships .Like you my bestie and I used to go to school on the bus together .And spend hours laughing ,singing and walking our friends dog ,gosh I even went out with her Brother! fast forward 25 years and we havent seen each other for 25 years! Just grown apart. Sad but just as marriages end so do friendships .Concentrate on other pals DH and family and so on

It's been almost 12 months now and I'm none the wiser!

I almost never initiate contact with P now, I'm too worried about being pushy. Although that could be interpreted as giving up on her. It feels impossible to get the balance right when you haven't a clue what's behind it.

I did get a thank you message a few weeks after sending the card/parcel, which I appreciated.

In the last few months I've had a handful of perfectly normal sounding (if short) messages from P, plus anniversary/sympathy/Christmas cards. She has written things like "thinking of you all"/"sending lots of love" a few times, which is nice but I still know zero about how things are going for her and am still incredibly concerned for her.

I've gently suggested arranging a convenient time for a phone call/meeting up once or twice and had no reply. Sent her a brief happy Christmas message yesterday, but won't message again or ask for a call/meet up for a good while now.

I know I can't do any more, I know she knows where I am if she wants me, but it's absolutely horrible being on this end of it tbh and is really affecting me.

Today I cracked and asked our mutual friend if she'd heard much lately. (Neither of us have even mentioned P's name in over 6 months despite almost daily chats, which remains the weirdest thing about all this by a mile). I just said I hoped P was OK, had had a few messages but nothing about her life, and didn't want to bug her when I don't know what she's dealing with atm.

Mutual friend has ignored that entirely, which just feels bloody rude tbh when we chat so much about everything else. If I see her (mutual friend) in person over New Year when I visit family, I'll ask again face to face. I haven't been told not to, or given any information to indicate I should be anything other than normal. At any other point in the last 50 years we would 100% have been asking each other if P was OK. If P suddenly doesn't want me to know how she is, she needs to get that message across somehow - either herself or via our mutual friend - then I'll respect it. Otherwise, I'm not giving up caring.

The messages I do get are perfectly kind and affectionate, so I can't be getting it too wrong. Just got to keep trying to accept the current status quo I guess.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I think catching up with various friends over Christmas (even if just by a brief text) has brought it all back up again for me.

I'm sorry that this is still ongoing.
It does sound like your mutual friend knows something, but doesn't want to discuss it with you. I'd probably feel less inclined to keep in touch with the mutual friend unless she can be honest about why she's ignoring your questions - it must be clear that this is likely to make you more confused and upset about the situation with P. It's bordering on cruelty to do this to you. She could at least say that she doesn't want to discuss P. Ignoring your questions is awful.

It's very difficult to know what to do when your most trusted, reliable friends disappear on you and behave like casual acquaintances, while sending mixed messages / ignoring the obvious change in your relationship. Whatever her reasons, unfortunately the rift is there now and the trust you've built up over the decades is damaged.

Thank you. Yes, she must know something and it does feel incredibly unfair. She's much more volatile and forthright than P is and will just ignore anything she doesn't want to answer forever so my only hope with her is face to face. I'm biding my time but it's definitely colouring my view of her tbh, if the situation was reversed, I'd never just ignore her concern.

I mean this kindly, OP, but she has ghosted you. Your mutual friend is very much in the loop with this and won’t want to acknowledge it. You need to step away from this to protect your own mental health now, as it will drive you slowly mad trying to second guess this. You may never know why, and you sound like a caring person. I would stop feeling so concerned about her to be honest, she clearly doesn’t care about your feelings and hasn’t been able to use her grown up words to explain it to you for nearly two years. Please stop chasing her or responding to her and try to move on with the people in your life that make the effort with you.

Thanks for your reply. But would someone ghosting me really be sending anniversary/sympathy cards and writing messages to me, however short, saying she's thinking of me/sending love? This is what I'm finding so confusing. It doesn't add up.

You're right that I've got to find a way to get my mind off it, though. It's driving me mad.

Yes it does explain the short messages at birthday/Christmas - she doesn’t want to look like the bad guy by completely
stopping all contact or confirming to you that she doesn’t want to see you. She’s been unkind by not clarifying the situation and keeping you dangling. But equally, what is she meant to say that wouldn’t be awful? “Sorry but I don’t like you anymore”? She’s trying not to hurt you but is still hurting you.

Let’s say she turned around in a year’s time and said “please can we meet up, I’ve really missed you?” would you really be able to just pick it all up again with no explanation? Do you think that’s possible now after so long? You’re tying yourself up in knots trying to work out what you’ve done, how to balance your response… it’s a lot of headspace isn’t it? And for what?

Are you saying she attended your wedding and everything was fine.

Did this behaviour start after your actual wedding?

Yes, she attended the wedding, did a lovely reading, seemed to have a good time and I mentioned/thanked her in my speech. Her DP and DD were there too and it was lovely. Loads of photos of her enjoying it and appearing genuinely delighted for us.

it was probably 2 months after the wedding when she said she'd likely go quiet for a few weeks as a lot was happening, then radio silence since.

That does make sense I guess. If she did make proper contact after however long, I'd want an explanation as to wtf had been going on. I wouldn't just pick up as if nothing had happened. But we know each other so well, she's a really caring person and I still think she would never ever do this without good reason. I think it's most likely mh reasons but I'm still getting to the point where I'm not going to be able to fully forgive just being ghosted, IF she comes back being normal we will absolutely be having a conversation about it.

I think it's not her messaging you, she's just politely responding to your overtures.

And for whatever reason mutual friend knows something you don't and you need to respect that. If you don't you'll lose them both.

Maybe "something " happened at the wedding .

Your never going to know as she doesn't want to upset you...possibly.

Just seems weird it happened shortly after the wedding.

Thank you. I wondered that earlier in the year so have left longer and longer gaps between my messages, then she sends a few in a row, restarting it. It's baffling and completely out of character.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry op. I've no solutions to offer because I think you've done all you can without intruding on her privacy. I would ask the mutual friend if you see her and I'd just say that you don't want to intrude or put her in an awkward position but you just wanted to know if p is OK or if you've done anything without being aware that's pushed her away because you're finding it really hard to understand and you miss her. Then the friend doesn't need to tell you any personal info but they could at least confirm either way.

I think you need to treat this as a bit of a loss unfortunately and let yourself grieve it so you can come to a place of acceptance hard as that may be. Sending you lots of love, I can't imagine how hard that would be after such a lengthy close friendship.

She’s being a bit of a cow really. I’d drop it now. You sound lovely. I’m sorry.

She hasn’t ghosted you - she’s still in touch, as you say. Ghosting is totally disappearing and ignoring someone and this is not the case here. She’s more being selective about what she responds to. She’s being a bit unfair to you, whatever may be causing it, as is your mutual friend.

She may be busy, but it takes 30 seconds to send a short explanation so at least you know you’re not at any fault.

I had a friend do this to me because we had babies at the same time - she a boy and me a girl. I had no idea why until when we finally re-added each other on Facebook and I looked back through her profile, that she gone through awful PND after the birth because, amongst other reasons, she had wanted a girl and she dropped me because I’d had a girl.

I had another friend to this to me because my daughter was born healthy and hers was very premature and suffered from health issues. She managed to stay friends with all her other mum friends but we had been close and she spent a lot of time comparing our children.

It could be wedding related, for reasons you can’t comprehend without her telling you.

I agree she has decided to end your friendship by slowly fading you out. She obviously decided to do that a year ago with the message about her going quiet for a while. I doubt there's any big awful thing going on that she wouldn't have shared with you given how close you were. For whatever reason she doesn't see you the same way anymore and it is time to let her go. It will feel like a loss but in time you will feel better than you do now but you won't be able to move on if you don't give up on her. I think the mutual friend knows she doesn't want to be friends anymore which is why she ignores you asking as she probably doesn't want to get involved. Let her go, she's been a cow the last 12 months and you've given her way more head space than she deserves.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm so upset but you may well be right. I'll keep trying to get my head round it. 😭

OP how absolutely dreadful. I’m sorry but your “friend” no matter WHAT is going on, is completely out of line torturing you like this.

I think you have two options. Be way more assertive and stop pussy footing (I mean that nicely) around both P and the other friend. Or cut off contact yourself due to her abhorrent behaviour towards you.