To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

[EmeraldDreams73]

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

She did mean to though 🤦‍♀️ What the OP's friend did was entirely intentional.

Some people really like to sulk don't they. It is what it is.
To be honest she sounds very high maintenance.
Glad there was nothing terribly wrong with her, but I agree with you OP. Proceed with a different lense going forward.

This is a very simplistic view. I think the friend still ‘likes’ OP, but on her own terms, which may be not be acceptable to OP.

Remember that this isn’t just one instance of bad behaviour, the friend has been carrying on this sustained campaign of confusing behaviour for almost a year.

The info/podcasts - is this deeper/more connection than she has initiated in the past year?

Because if it is it sounds like she has punished you (by witholding/withdrawing all year) - then she finally put the boot in with her list of issues......some people are internally aggitated and just need to project and discharge their 'angries' - you were her target this year ... been her family in the past (always needs to have someone in her sights).

Looks to me that this latest text is part of a nasty/nice cycle - shes got hr kicks in .... now she needs to keep you close for when she needs to discharge in the future - or to feel that she has subjugated you.

I would see her as unreliable / unstable / toxic and dangerous to your MH. Look how much she has confused, drained and unsettled you this year deliberately

In my world she would get a second chance - but I also would give her the pleasure of any words that she could use as ammunition.

Just have a 2 year fade out plan .....

The info is on specific things we discussed that I expressed an interest in (one item for the house, one book on a condition my dd has). Yes, far more than she's done for a year, though I've had the odd perfectly nice sounding message for various things.

It feels to me like "I've said my bit, now we can resume our friendship." But actually I can't just switch back to normal mode after being ignored for a whole year, at least not for a long while and not without seeing significant and consistent differences.

When we talked about how/if we wanted to continue in future, I asked her to tell me first what she would prefer - if anything. She said checking in with each other by text regularly and meeting up when we can. I said that I was happy to do that and we could see how we both feel.

Until last year we've both always messaged a lot about daily life, so clearly that has to change going forward, which is fine. It hasn't just been me at all, and not every single day either. Something that really stood out for me yesterday was when she said that she "didn't see why" she should spend loads of time reading/responding to messages when my "actions don't match" etc. I just don't see things in those terms with friends but thought, don't worry, there won't be much from me to spend time reading from now on! I've never seen keeping in touch as a chore and wouldn't want anyone else to feel under pressure to, either.

Regardless of what she's expecting, from my point of view I already know that it'll be a FAR less close friendship than I thought we had, and that's fine. I'm not leaving myself open to that kind of shit again. It's fine to want a shift in intensity, or to cool/end a friendship. It's fine to feel pissed off at little things and either decide to say something, or suck it up and carry on. It's not fine to treat someone this way.

Men simply don't agonise about this stuff: they forget the asshole and move on. I admire that efficiency.

You're letting her occupy way too much headspace, OP - seriously. Why would you allow someone to treat you like this?!

Your post at 19.30 is a wise analysis of the situation OP.
Some of the contributors on this thread have been in similar situations, are a step further on and wanted to protect the OP @MassiveSaladEater. Some of your remarks are unjustified.

This thread is on my mind because of my own experience

so also this "Before we said goodbye she also said thanks for not giving up on me." is making me wonder if she has done similar to anyone else.

If it's in the ball park of what I'm thinking about one ghosting friend, I think maybe you'll get more contact from now because you have passed a test she set. And that you never offered to take, obviously.

She sounds such high maintenance. I think you've been more than attentive and, in comparison to her, the one who has tried to keep the friendship going even in times of apparent trouble. She was prepared to write you off - just think, if you hadnt persued this, how would things be now? You still have a friendship thanks to your actions and in spite of hers!!

I have to say my closest friendships feel the lowest maintenance. We understand that life is mad, we might forget to text each other back sometimes, not message for a few weeks, be a touch late on a birthday gift etc but we know it's not reflective of the value we put on our friendship!! We pick up exactly where we left off.

I think cooling this friendship off would be in your interest long term. This is just madness! You dont have to be unkind but you do not have to initiate or chase her. Sometimes stepping back from a controlling situation is the most powerful thing you can do!

I think this is a very insightful post.

You have passed a test she set. And that you never offered to take, obviously.

I failed the test, was ghosted, asked for a retry, listened to petty claims without apology. Her keenness was followed by surprising and unexplained slow fading which prompted me to block. I felt as if I’d been been controlled and manipulated for her ego.
I would not do it again.
OP is sage to be cautious.

@Cyclingalong and @EmeraldRoulette sorry to hear you've been on the receiving end of this kind of thing. Do you feel it impacted other friendships either at the time or since? I can think of a few friends with healthy self esteem who wouldn't think twice before telling someone behaving like this to get lost. And several more, like me, whose default position is always to think, it must be my fault.

@Greentomatoes21
I have to say my closest friendships feel the lowest maintenance. We understand that life is mad, we might forget to text each other back sometimes, not message for a few weeks, be a touch late on a birthday gift etc but we know it's not reflective of the value we put on our friendship!! We pick up exactly where we left off.

I would have said every word of this about P and myself a year ago! It's a shock to find that someone is actually harbouring a tally sheet of resentments and doesn't see things the same. Glad your friends are genuine x

I agree. I have a feeling that rather than being the end of an upsetting situation, this is only going to be the beginning of the OP questioning the friendship even further and becoming more agrieved and upset looking for answers that will never feel enough.

Yes, OP, it did make me question how others perceive me and if I unthinkingly do something wrong. Only my DH knows what happened.
She discussed it with her friend, showed no self-awareness, dismissed her treatment of me, had done this to others. Is this ringing any bells?
Fortunately she’s atypical of my friendships and in the past where she remains.
Look after yourself OP.

@EmeraldDreams73 the particular situation I'm thinking of, it's actually been this thread that's led to this insight about passing a test. I think the person who ghosted probably thought I would chase her and the "not quite 100% ghosting" is the test in itself.

but I haven't chased. Actually, it was not because I thought of anything like this situation. I simply assumed that she'd vanished the way others did and that she didn't want me around anymore for a myriad of reasons that come up these days. Just didn't "friendship love me" anymore I guess - there should be a word for this 😂

Again it's depressingly well documented on here but basically lockdown led to the loss of the very close friends I had (who were like family I thought) but they seemed to use it as an excuse to vanish into their families. I still can't talk about lockdown without getting upset - I was suicidal- so I won't expand further.

but yes, this thread has been an eye opener because one friend who didn't vanish in that period suddenly disappeared in March. I now realise - and it seems weirdly obvious- that many tests were set in the friendship and I was passing them but I suspect I was supposed to chase after her.

It's complicated but actually my mum knows this lady too, and she agreed that it was not a good idea to ask what happened.

@Cyclingalong sorry to hear you've been through this. Nothing should be that complicated!

All in the past now for us, but as I say @EmeraldDreams73 i suspect you'll get a lot more contact from her now. I guess cross that bridge when the time comes.

I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through @EmeraldRoulette. x

What a weird post.....🤔

I don’t think anything on here "made the OP feel worse"

She blanked the OP for a year, a year!!! Being shocked at that and saying so isn't 'magnifying' it.

A year long sulk from a friend of 45 years over literally nothing but "don't take it personally" ??!!! And she "doesn't want to get rid of you" !!!!😮😂

Thank you for this thought, but I have absolutely NO intention of continuing to look for anything at all from this friendship below surface pleasantries. I won't be actively seeking any communication at all but I'll be polite and friendly when I need to and keep things cordial for old times' sake. Hopefully that'll be enough for her not to push for more, but if not I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I was genuinely worried for ages, then confused and upset. Now I know what's in her head, I'm sad, pissed off and disappointed - but most definitely accepting. This is most certainly a new phase of a decades-long friendship I didn't want, but I'll accept it and protect my feelings going forward. I'm not going to be put in that position again by P or anyone else.

@EmeraldRoulette I'm so sorry for what you've been through x

It’s interesting that you found out the reasons and actually it’s just a few really petty things. So often you can’t find out why. She certainly expects a lot from friends!

The thing is, OP, if you continue with this friendship you're going to be walking on the metaphorical eggshells forever.

You will be nervously checking the calendar for her bloody stupid birthday and her children's bloody stupid birthdays and making sure you send the approved quantities of gifts, appropriate wrapped and BY the correct date (and no later!! Or else sulking will resume!! You have been warned, OP!!). And then suffering mental agonies after it's sent, wondering if the gift is "wrong" in some way or not sufficiently "thougthful" or not "enough," or has in some way set off the hair-trigger offense-taking mechanism.

Every time her elderly relative or cat dies, you'll be sending her message after message and anxiously reading and re-reading that condolence card you got for her, asking yourself "Is this enough? Will she feel sufficiently fussed-over and mollified? Or will there be another round of frosty behavior and accusations?"

If you invite her to anything, you're going to second-guessing yourself about, am I making her feel "special" enough? Am I inadvertently doing something that will set her off - inviting her too late, inviting another person she doesn't like, not putting her wishes first and foremost in the choice of the venue? Because who knows what could cause the next big drama...? She did manage to flounce because there was a pillar near her table, after specifically saying she was fine with the seating, so there's no really 100% safe way to invite her to things that doesn't create some risk of an argument.

I really, really, really can't stand people like this, and would probably be thinking about ending the friendship and saying this openly to her. And I am not someone who generally advises people to cut friends out of their lives!

Agreed. Op, I hope ‘surface pleasantries’ don’t mean resuming cards, gifts, invitations etc.

If you want to retain a surface friendship, NOW is the time to set the parameters. If you do the thoughtful presents and invitations once, you’ll be obliged to do it continuously.

Perhaps use her own complaint as a way to set the parameters. She said ‘why should I read/respond to lots of messages when your actions don’t match?’ and that she wants to check in via text and meet-ups. So you should say ‘I take on board about dialling back the long messages as they require effort, let’s also dial back the cards and flowers and presents etc for each other and the children, so that we can get back to just checking in with each other and re-building the friendship.’

>>"It feels to me like "I've said my bit, now we can resume our friendship." But actually I can't just switch back to normal mode after being ignored for a whole year, at least not for a long while and not without seeing significant and consistent differences."

I dunno, OP. Obviously you must do what feels right for you, but I think I would end the friendship and tell her why. No dramas, just a message to say "actually, I've had a bit of a think about it all and I cannot believe you put me through all that for almost nothing. We do not have the friendship I thought we had, and it would be disingenuous of me to pretend we can go back to friendly texts and birthday cards."

>>"Regardless of what she's expecting, from my point of view I already know that it'll be a FAR less close friendship than I thought we had, and that's fine. I'm not leaving myself open to that kind of shit again. It's fine to want a shift in intensity, or to cool/end a friendship. It's fine to feel pissed off at little things and either decide to say something, or suck it up and carry on. It's not fine to treat someone this way."

But she did treat you that way. And now she's finished treating you that way she's ready to be friends again. I'm not a confrontational person but I'd struggle not to tell her to F off!

It's really made me think, hearing so many views along the same lines.

I feel really pathetic tbh. My initial reaction was wtf, is that it?! Then straight to feeling like her perspective must be the right one, therefore I'm failing in all areas of my life. Every working parent I know feels to some extent like they're not doing a good job in every area they're trying to juggle (the house is a mess, I don't see elderly parents enough, etc), but I did feel I was doing ok in my friendships. This has shaken that feeling despite what other friends are saying. It feels like a good opportunity as well, though. After so many years of abusive marriage I thought I was much more confident but it was very fragile and needs more work!