To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

[EmeraldDreams73]

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

I'm so sorry your going through this l, inhad something quite similar happen to me and it's so damm hurtful and confusing when you have no idea why this is happening. I wouldn't bother writing, walk away now and leave it as she won't give you a meaningful explanation and you will just get even more upset. It all seems so petty and spiteful to treat you like that and I just wouldn't let her know you care anymore leave her wondering like she has done to you and don't mention it anymore to mutual friend who is possibly feeding info back.

Agree, mutual friend is on a power trip with all this. I don't think either of them are truly friends anymore.

@CreationNat1on Really sorry, I can't find any links as I had a big clear up online.

But you have hit the nail on the head already - you have said what I couldn't quite pin down the last two years, by saying this "I think it's mostly down to poor therapy techniques, paranoia about protecting their own mental health, excessive comparison due to the Internet, Unhealthy coping strategies and loss of real communities and real friendship, replacing those with online communities."

My 86-year-old mother has commented on this in her circle. It's an issue across the board.

Other things - many people can't manage their own emotions now. The things that get described as trauma (sometimes I feel it's making light of real trauma) are absolutely bizarre.

There's definitely a trend for very small things causing problems.

I also read something about it being very common around the age of 50 - with men and women - to actually decide on having a complete clear out of people! I find this extraordinary.

People seem to see friendships as emotional labour now.

Chances are, if you've been ghosted by a friend you'll never guess the reason and it will possibly be rooted in nonsense anyway.

I have joined a local social thing. It's men and women aged from 20 to 60 I think. Everyone has a lot of these stories - but what's quite interesting, I think, is what we all have in common is we don't want to do stuff online. we've joined a social thing in person because we want to communicate in person and we've been struggling with people vanishing from our lives.

I see one last outside the club and she said to me "I like going out with you because you talk about things, like music or books, instead of just talking shit about people and feelings and gossip". I've often wondered it that gets on other people's nerves so I sad relieved to hear it. I suppose most of it's just talk about hobbies on niche boards now. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The social thing it's unlikely to last IMHO but I'm trying to make the most of it while it does.

I could go on for ages but trying to spend less time here so I'll spare you. 😂

The 1975 were prescient with these lyrics

https://genius.com/The-1975-the-man-who-married-a-robot-love-theme-lyrics

Thank you all SO much for the responses, I am truly grateful for them.

I do think it's possible menopause could be one factor. That's not me trying to pretend I'm perfect, I realise I've got things wrong and hurt her, albeit unintentionally, and have apologised sincerely. But to ignore point blank so many attempts at getting together (while still sending the odd perfectly normal message) for nearly a whole year is really extreme and not something I would ever do even to an acquaintance, let alone my oldest friend. I can think of several (other) friends who have really changed in their interactions with others in recent years, causing various big and small relationship problems. All have cited hormones as a reason but perhaps that's just me clutching at straws.

Who knows? I have spent (quite literally) all night thinking about it, and (also quite literally, thank God we had no plans today) all day writing P a message. I sent it earlier this evening. Said I'm truly sorry if it's something I've done/not done, apologised again for the present being so late if it was that. Also said I wish she'd felt able to talk to me, and that I'd still like to talk if she's willing to. I also mentioned that I have been trying to get together for this entire year and had zero response, (so any accusations of not celebrating her big birthday with her, for example, would feel incredibly unfair - I was trying to meet up to do precisely that, albeit late because of the wedding).

Anyway, I've said my bit and won't contact her again unless I get a response. Even then it depends what that is. I am useless at finding my anger, I can never feel it on my own behalf only others' (25 years of an abusive relationship, in which she and other friends were an amazing support). I am completely incapable of being pissed off with her atm, as pathetic as that sounds. I just feel sick, desperately sad and shocked. I know I need to protect my mental health now and focus on other people who do want to be in my life. 0

Anyway, at least I know it's not some awful trauma she's going through, and I've (finally!) got the message loud and clear that I'm a shit friend in her eyes. At least our mutual friend finally gave me enough information to know that it's just me being cut out. P's obviously been trying to do it without being combative about it, and I get why mutual friend would want to stay out of it. I also understand the urge to do it 'kindly', and I maintain that she is a lovely person. But actually being on the receiving end of so much confusion is painful and not kind at all. I hope very much that after reading my message (of she even does) she understands that.

Ultimately, when you know what you're dealing with, you can handle anything. I was struggling with not knowing wtf was going on but now I have a better idea I will deal with whatever (probably nothing, but still closure) comes of this. Some of your suggestions resonate far more than others, but I am going to try not to speculate any more. I'll update further if/when anything changes in case anyone's interested, but I'm not expecting anything tbh. X

Op I know others have said leave it but I very strongly disagree and I think you did the right thing by messaging p (though I think you should be even more direct and message friend about her behaviour - but understand that’s easier said than done).

Fading people out, ghosting etc is completely unacceptable behaviour. I agree that boundaries are good and necessary but all this therapy speak has led people to think simply cutting people out of their lives for the slightest annoyance is normal and healthy.

Nobody seems to have values anymore. Any good therapist would say that being honest and potentially disappointing people (ie telling someone why you need some space) is what is meant by boundaries, not just passive aggressively - and in fact cowardly - fading away.

I hope you get some answers because you
bloody well deserve them.

I really hope you get an answer, but it does seem that people that can do this, and over such an extended time, are probably not the type of people that will tell you what you need to hear. If you look back are there times that she’s had other friendships that have ended or has spoken about other people in a way that might make you think she is prone to taking offence or cutting people out? I think there’s often a pattern of behaviour.

You need to leave it. The more pressure you’re putting on the more she is likely to feel suffocated and withdraw.
You’re hell bent on there being an elaborate reason but maybe she just doesn’t feel
close to you anymore and has tried to faze you out.

I hear you Op, this happened with a dear friend of mine and it really hurts. It turns out she had distanced herself from others too, which helped a bit. You said they’re in touch. But It doesn’t sound like mutual friend is super close and seeing her lots though?

Hugs to you though as it’s so tough, and an often forgotten grief that people don’t see in the same light as a romantic relationship break up, but it can be just as painful.

I'm sorry to read this OP, it sounds so upsetting. I find it hard to believe the gift is the only reason! Is she jealous over your new happy marriage? But best to try and move on from her, that's not easy to do at all I know.

I think you've done the right thing too, I would be the same as you, it's too out of character to accept. I feel so sad for you OP and hope you get some answers.

I've heard from P!!!!! I'm so glad I sent that message. She apologised for the lack of contact and said it had gone on far longer than she intended due to "a mixture of procrastination and fear of conflict". She has visitors today but has promised to contact me properly tomorrow and get a date in where we can meet up and talk face to face.

I am beyond relieved. Whatever has caused this, I'm grateful to have the chance to talk properly. I'll see what comes of that conversation but for now I'm bawling hysterically all over again incredibly relieved.

If and when we do talk properly, I will obviously be listening carefully to what she has to say, and taking full accountability for anything I did wrong. But I will also make it crystal clear that I've been through hell this year and won't again. Next time she's upset about anything I expect her to use her words because this has messed me up SO badly.

This has happened to me before, too, @DowntonNabby. Did you ever find out why she ghosted you in the first place?

I've never found out if there was one specific thing that triggered it, but I've always suspected it was because she didn't like my partner and the fact he emboldened me to stand up to her. For years I had tolerated her mood swings and sniping because she was my best friend but after the third or so time he'd met her, he asked me afterwards why I let her talk to me the way she did. Having him point it out was a wake-up and I started to stand up for myself – within months I was ghosted! I was very hurt by being dropped but by the time she got in touch I'd stopped missing her and happily ignored her. Do you know why you were ghosted?

That's a great update @EmeraldDreams73 in terms of getting some resolution! I am pleased to hear caution in your response though, because as you say, her behaviour has really taken a toll on you this year and she cannot gloss over that and nor should you let her.

That's great she has responded, I wonder if she will actually follow through with a date, or if this is another delaying message.

On another note though, I would suggest that you don't 'make it crystal clear that I've been through hell this year and won't again. Next time she's upset about anything I expect her to use her words because this has messed me up SO badly' If a friend said anything like that to me I would feel so suffocated and run for the hills. This level of intensity about another human and their affect they have on you almost sounds like an intense teenage crush, and would freak most people out.

I hope the situation works out well for you, but be prepared that from her point of view it might be a 'it's not you, it's me' kind of farewell chat and not the reconciliation you are hoping for.

Good for you. Some people are only interested in a relationship if they can be their horrible selves to you.

Yes, I think I do know why. One really close friend of 45 years turned really hostile to me the moment my mother died. I think she had huge issues with death. The other friend, I refused to keep her husband's domestic violence a secret and I told her siblings what was going on. Both women put up a massive wall of ice after these things, both were friendships that were approx 45 years, and I've lost a huge chunk of my youth and memories through not having them in my life anymore. And there's no repairing things; these rifts happened a decade ago, and after about 18 months of me trying to be friends like before, I lost my temper with both of them. They got told some home truths, let's put it that way.

I'm not sure that's fair; this friendship is decades long and of course people have strong feelings about longtime friends.

I agree that OP should prepare herself for anything though, and be wary.

You see that would really piss me off op. Once again she’s got you dangling, worrying, second guessing, going through the emotional wringer. I think she’s manipulating you again

Thank you for this!

I'm absolutely prepared that she might still 'dump' me, just more directly, but the rest of her message doesn't give that impression at all. Personally I think 46 years of close friendship does (and should) warrant both proper communication going forward, and strong feelings.

We both have lives and families; neither of us have ever been ones for analysing every word or recriminations about perceived slights, we haven't got the time or inclination (and neither of us have other friendships like that). We have always just picked up where we left off. This year has been so out of character, and yes I have been desperately worried and upset, hence starting this thread. I will genuinely be interested to find out what prompted this behaviour, if I do hear back from her, and reflect on and apologise for any part I might have had in it.

Mutual friend, by the way, is messaging entirely as normal, sounding as warm and friendly as always.

Sorry op I got p and the other friend mixed up in my earlier message. Well done.

I agree. OP should make it explicitly clear to P the pain she has caused. P has said herself it’s her own ‘fear of confrontation’ (cowardice) that stopped her opening up, she deserves to understand the impact that has had.

I really hope she reaches out again tomorrow OP and that you get the answers/peace you’re looking for, but to be honest her response pisses me off on your behalf. For a year now there’s been something else always in the way (her making excuses). Fitting that there was visitors again today, you’d think if she felt badly she’d want to call you tonight to hash it out. It sounds to me like she’s continuing to put it all on the long finger, but I hope I’m proved wrong. She’s ignored you for a year, one more day is clearly nothing to her….

I tried to drop a friend of 40 years as tactfully as I could. I just let things fade out, and now it's the odd meeting. Maybe once every couple of years.

I've also "disappeared" from friends owing to MH problems. I wasn't even aware of it at the time, but one of my friends mentioned it a few years later, and it just occurred to me that there was a time when I turned my phone off for months. I just didn't get around to charging it. That seems bizarre now, but that's how things were. My friend made reference to the times I "needed to be alone" and knowing I would always come back because we love each other.

I've also been the dropped friend. Trying to discuss it just made things worse, as I came across as needy. It took a couple of years of low contact to become friends again.

I think it just takes time for friends to find each other and rediscover why they became friends in the first place. If you force it you can destroy things permanently.

Sorry I've just seen your update. At least you're going to be coming to terms with what's happened now. Don't blame yourself, she doesn't deserve your friendship x

I hope it goes well. X