To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

[EmeraldDreams73]

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

I wouldn’t reply to these messages she sends to restart things because it’s allowing yourself to be caught in this cycle which is no good for you. She will either then try and offer an explanation or the contact will stop completely and either way you’ll have your answer. It feel like she’s deliberately keeping you hanging on with no regard for you. Has she checked in to see how you are? Does she care that you are tied up in knots? I’d just let it go. Don’t respond.

Poor you. It’s so painful. It’s probably to do with the wedding (through no fault of your own).

I’d be tempted to text her, “Look, I know there’s probably an issue which has caused you to pull away from our friendship and it’s really upsetting me. Please, for old times sake, and in honour of the friends we were, just be honest with me so I can move on.”

This is a good message.

I've finally had a response this evening from our mutual friend confirming that she does hear from P, and she's OK. Told me where she was at Christmas etc.

So you were all right - I know now that it's clearly me she has a problem with and there isn't some hideous trauma going on for her. I feel sick. I've thanked her for telling me and I think I'll write to P again asking her to tell me why she's suddenly cut contact.

If I get a response I'll deal with it then. I think after 46 years of friendship the least she can do is communicate, but if she doesn't, at least I know where I stand.

Thanks again for all your support. I'm beyond hurt tonight.

So sorry @EmeraldDreams73 It’s so hurtful. It’s a loss which requires grieving. I hope you can get some answers but as you suggest, if she chooses not to respond to an honest, open question then it tells you that she isn’t the person you thought she was.

I think it’s something to do with your wedding - maybe you looked too happy, maybe someone said something in one of the toasts which pressed her buttons, whatever - and long held insecurities and resentments became attached to you and therefore had to be rejected.

Focus on friends you can trust now.

oh op.

I think you must tackle her head on now. “Why have you slowly dropped me in this tortuous way? You must know how painful it will have been for me not to know whether that was what you were doing, or whether you were sick or in trouble. It’s very cruel of you after 45 years - I understand that you might have begun to find something in me unbearable, but it’s awful that you didn’t have the courage to tell me.”

So sorry your friend has been so cowardly towards you, I hope you do finally get an honest answer from her. Either way you just need to know it’s not your fault, it’s hers.

Best piece of advice I’ve ever been given is ‘You are not responsible for what others think, say or do’. I’ve applied that thought to many situations over the years and it’s helped me.

It's possible she doesn't like your new husband/thinks you've made a mistake?

Sorry op, it really must sting.

I like @OneLoyalGreyFish’s advice and perhaps if you need to say something, @thestudio has some great words.

I’ve been dropped by a close friend, for seemingly no reason and it really hurts, but ultimately, sometimes there is just decent explanation and you’ll drive yourself mad or unwell trying to figure it out. Be kind to yourself

Thanks for the replies. I can't sleep and am sitting here absolutely sobbing my heart out. I've re-read all our messages since February, there's nothing at all on those.

But. I've racked my brains SO many times and have come up with something. It seems ludicrous set against a 45 year friendship, but is the only thing I can think of. Her 50th birthday present from me was REALLY late getting to her. It was bespoke and carefully thought out, and I thought it was absolutely perfect for her. As it was bespoke it took ages to arrive with me (she was abroad for her actual birthday anyway, and we've never been too precious about these things so I wasn't too worried). I seem to remember that I forgot to give it to her at my hen do, which was 2 months late. I did apologise profusely btw and she seemed fine about it, she knew something was on its way and I hadn't forgotten.

I didn't want to post it as it was big and very fragile, and didn't want to risk it being lost/damaged. In hindsight that was probably really stupid, but I did keep her informed, apologised lots and took it to the wedding to give to her. Unfortunately the next morning was so crazy I didn't manage to give it to her on the day (in fact, she had presents for my dds with her that day and didn't give them to me either! We both said sorry/don't worry, and seemed fine).

After that I asked lots of times for her to give me dates when I could visit to give it to her. She kept saying she would, sounded fine with me, but genuine things got in the way - medical appts for her DP, plus and she lost a family member that month and had family visits/clearance to do. So she had no weekends free for ages at that time.

As time kept passing it was really bothering me that we hadn't managed to get together. Eventually I dropped it at her parents house as they were seeing her the following week - I was still trying to avoid posting it (NOT because of cost, because of potential for damage). I did tell her all this, but I never actually heard whether it got to her or whether she liked it.

It was crap of me not to just bloody post it and take the risk, I accept that completely, but she 100% has form for this kind of thing too over the years and we've never been the type to go off on each other.

I truly wouldn't have thought it could cause this, we've BOTH taken ages to get presents to the other at times over the years, and neither of us have ever been dramatic about our birthdays, but it must be that I think. There were about 8 weeks of perfectly normal messages after the wedding (many with me repeatedly trying to arrange a date to give it to her), then suddenly nothing.

So assuming it is that, what do you all think? I feel absolutely dreadful but still think she just needed to bloody talk to me. We're not 12 and it's so hurtful. I'd already apologised sincerely for its lateness, as she has for various presents coming here over the years and if the situation was reversed I'd never have given her a hard time about it.

Sorry for the essay. Need to sleep but just so upset.

@EmeraldDreams73 That would be a completely ridiculous reason to throw away a lifelong friendship. Friendship is more than gifts, if that is the reason, then you are better off without her. I would love a thoughtful friend like you.

Is there any remote chance your husband has done or said something that made her uncomfortable? Or reminds her of someone from her past that she cannot manage to be around?

Thank you. I really don't think it's my dh, they've only met a few times and got on very well, they have a lot in common.

(We live 1.5 hours from each other so don't socialise much at all with partners and kids)

@EmeraldDreams73 I know it is hard. Try and get some sleep now. You’ll make yourself unwell with worrying when the answer may never be known, or indeed there is no real explanation. People can be weird at times, even when we think we know them very well. Self care is important, there is time to think about this tomorrow. 💐

In the kindest way possible, you need to stop trying to find an answer to this. Don't message her any more, certainly don't ask if you've done something "wrong" again. You're making yourself ill going over this again and again, try and process it all and start moving on with the new normal.

(Coming from someone who was faded out after a 20+ year friendship, with no idea why and will probably never know.)

I would write a letter or message asking why for the past year has there been no communication beyond polite enquiry. Does she want to end the friendship? Have you done something to offend her? What has changed? Tell her you would appreciate her honesty.

I think if you don't get a response you probably need to walk away from the friendship as this limbo is tough on you.

I think I'm the only one saying this, but I'd tell her I coming round visit and ask her to confirm she will be available. This is a life long friendship - it's worth saving!

I've had close friendships go silent and there has always been something going on for that person, which I've only found out when face to face with them e.g. abusive relationships, parent ill or dying, struggling with a child with suspected autitism diagnosis, work stress.

I ended up bumping into one friend ( known her sincevwe were 11yo) randomly when back home visiting my mum ( I no longer live in my home town). She had gone quiet in the group chat but I hadn't really noticed as we both had young kids and worked so v busy. She seemed quiet and off and 10 mins in, burst out crying, saying there had been an incident at work where she had been suspended and she was too ashamed to tell me (and our mutual friend) she was stressed, anxious and deoressed. I was totally shocked and we talked for ages. I reassured her we loved her and would not judge her for what had happened at work ( she is incredibly conscientious) and persuaded her to tell our mutual friend, who was, of course, worried for her in the same way I was.

I checked in on her daily after this - even if it was a 'thinking of you' or, a silly picture and told her if the messages were not welcome, please tell me to stop. She didn't and said she was hugely relieved to be able to speak to friends again. I even wrote a character reference for her professional body (we work in the same area) as it was clear she'd been blamed for systemic failings out of her scope.

If there is something that has upset her or, she tells you she's grown apart/ moved on, at least you have closure. You've nothing to lose!! I couldn't live in limbo like this.

I know this is horrible, but tonight you have to look after you xx I've linked to a short clip of Mel Robbins talking about "Let them theory" from YouTube which might just help you right now. It's only 60 seconds but if you are interested you can google and she talks about it in more depth. She's also brought out a new book entitled the same. It can be really helpful in these situations. ❤

I am so sorry OP, it is definitely a form of grief when this happens. I think she’s being really cruel actually, she must be aware how hurtful this is. I had similar happen (though the friendship wasn’t as longstanding as yours), and it really affected me. I felt stupid too, like the friendship I’d valued so much hadn’t really meant anything. I honestly would assume you won’t hear from her again (or not in the way you’d like) and I’d take a massive step back if I were you. I think the intermittent (but fairly generic) messages are almost making this worse- as every time it makes you wonder if things are going to be ok after all, it’s really quite cruel, although it’s possible she doesn’t see it like that. I would maybe say nothing now, and if you get a generic message again- either ignore it, or send one last message saying you wish her well, but she must understand how hurtful it’s been to have your longstanding freindship reduced to a bland message 3 times a year. And that whilst you’ll always be there if she wants to tell you what happened, you’d rather she stopped contact now as it’s too hurtful.

After saying for three months and three pages of replies that you couldn't think of anything that you've done to upset your friend you have now come up with a possible reason for the lack of contact.

The birthday present may or may not be a valid reason, that would be down to P's opinion.

Also I would steer clear of this mutual friend who you appear to dislike. The feeling is probably mutual and the lack of or type of response you get is likely not helping.

I’m so angry for you op. She at the very least, owes you an explanation. It’s not ok to treat someone like this.

I've thanked her for telling me and I think I'll write to P again asking her to tell me why she's suddenly cut contact.

I would not do this. You have done more than enough already to try and rescue/preserve this very long-standing friendship and she has behaved badly towards you. She’s now feeding you the odd crumb with this sporadic contact. It’s keeping you in an emotional holding pattern and preventing you from moving on. Really quite cruel and not the way anyone who had genuine concern for you would behave.

I too think the wedding was probably a trigger in some way. But you’ll likely never know. If you’re determined to write to her though, I’d do it THIS side of 2025 so you can draw a line under contact going into the new year.

It’s going to mess with your head as you’ll be feeling like all of a sudden you don’t know this person who you’ve known so deeply for many years.
I’d question the mutual friends summary of your friend being ‘ok’ if the mutual friend is very direct, black and white etc her view on someone being ok might simply mean their physical health is ok or something like that. This doesn’t offer you any more clarity but it could be a red herring and draw you to conclusions that just aren’t there.
id absolutely be driving myself mad not having any closure on this. Given the current status I’d say you have potentially very little to lose and I’d stop any beating round the bush and go and see the friend telling her how incredibly upset and confused you are. Tell her you want nothing but the best for her and think about her all the time and really need to know the status of your friendship. She can either say something has happened and she finds it too overwhelming to stay in contact or she might say she’s not feeling the friendship any longer and didn’t know how to say. She may of course say neither or nothing in which case you can tell her or her face that you feel you have no choice but to step away from what you thought was a friendship which makes you extremely sad but you must do so for your own MH.
good luck OP, this sounds so upsetting and completely understand why it’s messing with your head so much, this has been a significant relationship for you and you deserve more explanation xx

I think you should go and visit her. If she isn't in leave her a letter.

I'm sorry this has happened, OP. You sound like a great friend and I really feel for you.
I'm afraid I wouldn't have the patience for this situation, and would have taken a step back long ago. Heartbreaking really, and totally confusing, but you can't force it sadly.