To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

[EmeraldDreams73]

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

@EmeraldDreams73 there will be a reason for the silence and she doesn't want to discuss it because having known you for so long she doesn't feel you will get her perspective or she feels whilst you think differently, there is no reason to persuade you. However, the friendship is not what she thought it was.

I have gone quiet on some friendships but have not had a big falling out as such for the reasons above. I don't want to explain but quietly withdraw

I’m glad you’re not my friend @Truetoself

Cowardly behaviour.

I think you should do what she should have done. Next time she messages you, tell her you love her but are feeling very hurt and betrayed that she has done this without any explanation or, if you have done anything wrong, giving you an opportunity to make amends. Tell her you want to make things right but, until she is ready to talk to you honestly and openly about what has gone wrong, you need to step away for your own mental wellbeing. Then do that. Don't keep messaging her. Just reply to any non-committal messages with a heart. And then look after yourself! Do your grieving but let go of the wondering and try to get on with your own life.

Sorry, but you need to find your anger. If she’s known you for 50 years, she’ll know how much this will be upsetting you.

She sounds really cruel. Fuck her. She doesn’t deserve the price of another stamp.

She maybe going through something that she has been advised not to confide in others about - something serious. Perhaps she has confided in P if P has relevant professional expertise.

It sounds as if it is nothing to do with you. It's very sad - she may be going through hell and not able to tell you.

I don’t think the delayed birthday present is the issue.
P’s had you on slow fade for a while now. She’s had plenty of time to rekindle your friendship but hasn’t. It seems from time spent in X European country there’s nothing wrong with her physical or mental health and that she doesn’t have a problem with communicating with the blunt mutual friend.
Accept the friendship is over. Don’t torment yourself by asking why. Even if she explained it would appear to you illogical, and could wound you further. Don’t go there.
Protect yourself. Cry no more tears. End the slow fade yourself by ceasing contact, by blocking her. Move on to happy reciprocal friendships.

@Pleasebeafleabite ahhh would love for you to say that in reali life. I am actually a good "friend" and even those I al quietly withdrawing from will say so.

I'm glad it's not just me thinking this. Her behaviour is appalling - and the drip feeding bits of contact makes what she's doing even worse imo.

I would be really tempted to properly call her out on her behaviour tbh. It's shit.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP, it sounds heartbreaking. The reality is there’s nothing you have done that justifies this behaviour - if there was, you’d know what it was, as it would be something huge. A delayed birthday present is not huge, so please don’t beat yourself up about that.

I agree with another person that she’s not ghosting but she is trying to fade out. She doesn’t want to have a conversation about it at the moment, so she’s ‘waiting it out’ - either till she feels able to have the conversation with you or until you give up and let her off the hook from having to have the conversation.

You can’t make her have the conversation; the only thing you can control here is your response to this. I think you should draw a line now - maybe send a card to say as much and take a step back. I would even consider blocking her so you can’t get drawn back in by the breadcrumbing (she can always contact you by other means if she really wants to). What she’s doing is immeasurably cruel, perhaps not wholly intentionally, but cruel nonetheless and you deserve so much better. Time to look after yourself now 💐

I think the 50th present is quite possibly the reason. I had 2 good friends of 20 years standing forget my 50th birthday, message on the day (prompted by Facebook) saying ‘oh we must go out for a drink to celebrate’ ‘your card is here I forgot to post it’ or similar, and six weeks later have not made any move to actually make an arrangement. I won’t fall out with them but have definitely taken a step back because the friendship is clearly not as important to them as I thought it was. From her point of view you prioritised your wedding plans and her significant birthday and your long friendship got downgraded? I assume she’d already accepted wedding invites so she turned up but she’d mentally dialled down the friendship to a lower level.
The only possible British response when you apologise or finally send the gift is ‘it’s fine, don’t worry’. It’s not the sort of thing you have a blazing row about.

OP. I’m so sorry. Something similar happened to me. A very long standing friend slowly phased me out. It was over a period of a couple of years, 25 years ago, and it still makes me sad. I feel for you.

If anyone reading this thread is doing something like this to an old friend, please please be decent enough to tell them why.

No, it wouldn’t be the present. That would be a ridiculous reason to end a long term friendship. She is fading you out,OP. She sounds like cruel.I would suggest you draw a line for yourself, stop contacting her or replying, and move on.

She's jealous that you got married. That became plain to see when you wrote that it started after you got married and that she's been with her partner for 20 years, but they're not married.

You say they've been together 20 years so she could be married if she wants, but that just isn't true. Both partners have to say yes. It sounds as if she would liked to have been married, but he doesn't want to. Your marriage will be a painful reminder to her that her dp doesn't want to marry her.

I've had people pull away from me before when big life events happen, and in my experience there's nothing you can do about it. You can stay in touch, ask, cajole, plead, write, but some people let their feelings get in the way of valuable relationships. It's a real pity, and I have been as hurt as you in the past about similarly long friendships.

You got married and then you barely heard from her again. And she's in a longterm relationship with someone who hasn't proposed. Of course it's about your marriage!

I understand why she would feel bad, but there's no need to take it out on you. I had a similar reaction from someone when I got married, and ultimately it's a bloody cheek, because what their actions say is "You're not allowed to be married and also have my friendship."

I know how painful it is, but you're best off focusing on people who do want to be your friend. This one has proved a weakness of character, and those people don't make good friends. They tend to be the sort who run away if you become seriously ill. Also, getting married is a commonplace event. Who needs a friend who takes their friendship away because you got married?

I'm sorry that she turned out not to be the person you thought she was. I've been there.

Oh this happened with a uni friend. She was even a bridesmaid at my wedding. Never heard from her one day years later...complete silence.

I just left it and respected her wishes that she no longer wanted to carry on the friendship. People move on. That's life.

I am sorry you feel so hurt by what's happened but you have to accept and respect her wishes too.

@EmeraldDreams73 why dont you just jump in the car and go and visit??? you keep saying that you are not 12 but you are both acting like 12 year olds! all she can do is shut the door in your face. just ask her why she is being off with you and what the problem actually is!! an hour and a half away is not far at all!

Yes they would if they are not 100% sure about their decision to ghost. It sounds like your friend is in the low contact phase of cutting you off but something is stopping her going fully NC. Possibly her affection for your children. Or concern for them. You say she likes your DH but it’s an awfully big coincidence that she starts withdrawing almost immediately after you got married. Did something happen between them that he’s not told you about, i.e. was something said? Did she witness you rowing? Is he a decent man? Have you ever complained to her about him? Sorry to say but I would put money on it being something to do with him given the timeline and that’s why mutual friend is being cagey too - neither wants to say he’s the issue because you are/were newlyweds and your friend knows he’s not going anywhere.

I do think it could be your husband OP. She maybe just can't take to him. She just went through the motions at your wedding just for your benefit. I think it's similar with what happened with my ex friend.

I might well just turn up on her doorstep if I was you

This has happened to me with my best friend of 35 years. She moved an hour away, around the time I got divorced. She wasn't very supportive during the divorce which felt a bit shitty at the time and I didn't see much of her-which I put down to her having just moved. Fast forward 5 years. I have reached out to her Monthly. Just light messages. We have met each three times. She has replied to messages occasionally, and she instigated the meets ups. At the last one she told me she has been suffering with her MH, but she was feeling better so I would be seeing more of her. She has had fertility problems whilst I have two nearly grown up DD's and that might also have been an issue for her. She didn't show up for dd1's 18th and didn't even say why, though she had said prior to it that she would come-dd1 is her goddaughter so again that was pretty hurtful. I last saw her in September this year. I sent her a happy Christmas message and she replied but was too busy to meet.
I don't doubt she has had some Mh issues. But I do think in addition to this she has clearly decided that I'm not important to her anymore. It's been one of the greatest losses of my life tbh. We had been inseparable since we were 11. I've had to make my peace with it. I miss her and I still worry about her and I acknowledge that to myself, but I don't allow myself to dwell on it and I won't be chasing her anymore. You have to protect yourself a little OP. I don't think it's anything you've done. Grieve the loss and try as best you can to move on. You sound lovely to me and I'm sure lots of other people would be happy to have you as a friend.

I’m in exactly the same position but I’ve given up now. It’s so rude and upsetting. This has been going on for 3 yrs. This year I didn’t bother sending a birthday card and didn’t receive one. I unfriended her on FB. I got a Christmas card with a message saying she hopes we are both well but I didn’t send one back. Tbh she has been absolute cruel and nasty to me over the years and what she is doing now is just so spiteful that I’m not doing it anymore

How sad. I think it probably is about your marriage, or about some other way in which she feels your life is much better than hers and finds it painful (are your children doing really well while hers is a bit stuck? is your career very successful while she has a poorly paid job she hates? are you very glamorous while she feels bad about her looks? etc).

She clearly does still care about you at one level and doesn't want to lose touch altogether, but just can't bear seeing you or close contact. She may change her mind and come back to you, but of course you may not want to wait for that.

I agree, what does op have to lose at this point?

Very sad situation, but op I think you need to have one last effort, say everything you want to say then draw a line under it.

I'm sorry to say but assume the friendship is over and allow yourself to properly and finally grieve, you've lingered in this no man's land for too long 💐

I agree with this.
It could be that the 50th birthday present signalled to her that you didn't place importance about her. Possibly you were swept up with the wedding arrangements (understandably) and she felt that you didn't make an effort for her.

You have also mentioned that her partner had health problems and there was other worrying things going on in her life - maybe she felt that there were so many positive things going on in her life and you really didn't care about the stuff going on in hers. Perhaps a bit of jealousy as well.

Turning 50 in your life is a significant moment and makes you reassess things.

How would you know if you’re barely speaking to them. Just like what P is doing to the OP. Unless you were doing something completely different and your comment is therefore irrelevant to her

I finished with my long-term partner this year. I found an appropriate time and I told him clearly and kindly why this was. And I found three more times to meet and answer his questions. It was difficult but a lot kinder than phasing someone out

I will go against the grain here and say I think its due to you getting married and forgetting her big birthday. I am reading between the lines here, but, you got married, she came some distance for the wedding and hen? She practiced and delivered a speech, also bought and gave you a present for your wedding on time? She basically went to a lot of trouble to do everything right for your wedding and then you couldn't be bothered to remember her birthday for two months? I suspect she thought (wrongly or rightly) your priorities had changed with your marriage and you wanted to focus more on that, than you had previously on your friendship. It may not make sense to you, but I think that's where she's coming from.