To find it hard to maintain friendships with people who have had abusive relationships?

[Newlifeincoming]

I have a close friend, a guy, whose previous relationship was quite abusive. We were very close, but I’ve noticed that whenever we have disagreements he tends to retreat and goes silent, actively ignoring me for a few days to a week. He’s explained that his reaction is influenced by the abuse he experienced, as he’s very conflict-avoidant now. He’s always apologetic and explains himself once he comes out of his silence.

I’m struggling with this dynamic and finding it challenging to maintain our friendship, even though I understand where he’s coming from.

AIBU to feel this way, or is it a common issue when dealing with friends who have had similar experiences?

This Isn’t about you, it’s about him. He has a right to deal with conflict in his own way as an individual and you can choose to accept that or not.

You don’t get to dictate how he should deal with things, all you can do is try to be understanding and make him feel safe to open up to you if and when he wants to.

I get that it might upset you but it isn’t personal. I don’t understand really why you’re making this about you? If you don’t want to be his friend, simply don’t, problem solved.

I agree that having other interests and friends is important, and I do try to maintain balance in my life. I’ll continue to think about how to handle this, but I appreciate your suggestion.

No, I don’t. I just value the friendship and want to understand how to navigate the situation. I realise it may seem like a lot of effort to you, but I care about resolving things in a healthy way.

No, we’re not in a relationship. I wouldn’t say it’s obsessive - I’m just trying to be thoughtful about a friendship that’s important to me.

You’re just giving the same answers to everyone. Are you actually reading and reflecting (one of your buzz words) on any of it?

Yes, I’ve been reflecting on all the comments and trying to respond thoughtfully. It might be repetitive because some concerns overlap. Since you’ve already shared your perspective in the early hours of the morning, it might be best to move on from this discussion.

Why are you attracted to this relationship @Newlifeincoming to me the intensity and connection you are getting from it are beyond normal friendship levels. I think you are displaying very poor boundaries around your own wellbeing here. Was your childhood full of connection or lacking in that, was there good communication between you and your parents or poor communication. By that I mean could you communicate what you were feeling to your parents without being dismissed.

Healthy people step back from unhealthy relationships and speak out about their issues and expect to be heard and if they cannot be heard due to the other persons issues they step away.

It does seem if there is too much intensity to this friendship. Like a friendship but with relationship rules. That doesn’t sound healthy @Newlifeincoming although I can appreciate this person obviously means a lot to you.

So are the disagreements mainly him saying something that upsets or bothers you, which you point out, and then he vanishes?

No, I’m good thanks 👍.

I’m reflecting on our differing communication styles and trying to see how I can modify my expectations when I’m on this thread.

I think we are still conflict free, aren’t we? A little intense perhaps, but it’s within my tolerable limits.

You don’t have to be friends with someone because they were abused. And people who have been abused aren’t above manipulative behaviour. They’re human at the end of the day.

It would be a mistake to accept silent treatment or stonewalling from a man, regardless of his history.

I had a friend from an abusive home who went onto to look up my confidential information, and to try to rope me in to dangerous situations.

I often wonder about her and wish her well because she was a fragile person in many ways but ultimately I’m glad she’s out of my life.

You’re taunting. Move on from the discussion and get a life. What are you gaining from this?

Healthy people step back from unhealthy relationships, this is not a healthy relationship whichever way you look at it. Friendship should not be this hard.

Ohh I’m sorry. I can see this is causing you some pain.

But I still maintain you’re not reading peoples answers though.

Why is he worth all this angst? What does he give you that is so special that other people don’t also give, but give more freely?

Thanks for your concern, but I’ve considered all the responses and reflected on them. The situation is important to me for my own reasons, and I’m working through it in my way.

I understand that this situation might seem intense, and I appreciate your concern. I’m trying to address the issues in this friendship thoughtfully, and it’s important to me to communicate openly about it. My approach is about finding a balanced resolution rather than forcing or clinging to the friendship. I do appreciate your comment and will think about what you’ve raised.

Yes, the situation has involved some intense dynamics, and I’m working to understand and manage them. Disagreements do tend to arise between us, and it sometimes leads to a period of silence, which is what I’m trying to address. My goal is to find a way to handle this in a healthy manner and maintain open communication.

What I was asking is: is it him saying things which hurt you, and then you reacting?

The responses are very repetitive now, I’m struggling to see any development in the thread.

Honestly, OP, your language about this makes it sound less like a friendship than a major international treaty that needs continual renegotiation between countries no longer sure their interests lie together!

Can you give us an example of the things you fall out over, OP? Because a year long friendship should be based on mutual enjoyment of each other's company. It seems odd to be falling out. Is it over where to go? What take away to order from?

Thanks for asking. The fallouts haven’t really been about trivial things. They’ve usually been about misunderstandings or times where one of us felt hurt but didn’t communicate properly. I think both of us can struggle with addressing things head-on sometimes, and that’s caused tension. We’ve always been able to talk through things eventually, but this time feels different, and I’m not really sure why. It’s hard because we do genuinely enjoy each other’s company and care for each other.

Sorry OP, I am still struggling to picture that. Misunderstandings must be about something. Is it certain topics of conversation? Could you avoid those types of conversation altogether?

This.

It is perfectly possible for a traumatised person to be extremely abusive themselves, especially if they have lots of NPD or ASPD traits.

I think any abuse history is entirely beside the point. It sounds to me like one of those complicated "friendships" you have with a guy that's just not that into you. I'd sack it off if I were you, OP. Life's too short.

Sorry Gary. The misunderstandings have mostly been around how we communicate our feelings, not so much specific topics of conversation. It’s more about timings and how we’ve addressed things. Avoiding certain conversations hasn’t really been the issue, but I guess working on how we express things when something is bothering us could help.