To find it hard to maintain friendships with people who have had abusive relationships?

[Newlifeincoming]

I have a close friend, a guy, whose previous relationship was quite abusive. We were very close, but I’ve noticed that whenever we have disagreements he tends to retreat and goes silent, actively ignoring me for a few days to a week. He’s explained that his reaction is influenced by the abuse he experienced, as he’s very conflict-avoidant now. He’s always apologetic and explains himself once he comes out of his silence.

I’m struggling with this dynamic and finding it challenging to maintain our friendship, even though I understand where he’s coming from.

AIBU to feel this way, or is it a common issue when dealing with friends who have had similar experiences?

You’ve only been friends with this guy for a year, it’s supposedly platonic but you speak every day and have frequent fall-outs which seem to cause you both distress….

This isn’t a friendship, this is a fraught quasi-relationship.

Poor you OP. Must be awful having to cope with the impact of someone else’s protective measures after an abusive relationship.

… seriously?

if this is just a friend and not some romantic involvement then you sound like a shit friend making it all about you. They’ll be used to that from their abuser tho which is why they retreat. For their physical and emotional safety

if it’s a romantic relationship you’re with the wrong person. They need someone with empathy and understanding not another potential narcissist who wants to be the focus of their attention and pandering post fight.

theyve gone into self protect mode - you either accept that’s how they deal with potentially abusive situations or you let them find a friend who does accept and support them through their trauma response

I understand that a few days to a week is a reasonable amount of time, but it has now been two weeks since we last spoke. While I appreciate his explanation about how his past affects his behaviour, I’m also trying to find a balance between being understanding and managing my own needs and feelings.

I don't understand how this is happening often enough to be an issue?

The closest I've come to an argument with a friend as an adult is saying something like 'oh, that was a bit on the nose!' when they've made a rude comment about another friend... if I had a friend who wanted a row about miscommunications or everyday things I'd probably just stop bothering to arrange things.

Fair enough if they've slept with your husband or something, but life is far too short for drama with friends.

The situation involved more than just a simple disagreement. It’s about a breakdown in communication and trust, with issues like a lack of clear dialogue, problematic handling of conflict, and significant emotional impact. Both of us have been affected by how the fallout was managed, particularly through avoidance. It’s this pattern of handling our issues that’s causing concern for me regarding the overall dynamic of our friendship. I hope this provides some clarity.

Honestly this just sounds all far too intense and too much work for such a new friendship. I’d cool it right off.

Do not get romantically involved with this man. He’s not in the right place for a healthy relationship and won’t be for some time.

I understand that experiencing abuse doesn’t necessarily define someone’s personality or behaviour. I’m trying to navigate this situation while considering both his past and the current dynamics of our friendship. I appreciate your input on focusing more on the benefits of the friendship and addressing any other issues that might be at play.

Thank you for understanding. It’s a challenge to manage a friendship when minor disagreements trigger a strong trauma response. While I want to be supportive and empathetic, it’s also important to recognise how these reactions affect the friendship and my wellbeing. Finding a balance between being understanding and maintaining a healthy dynamic is tough. I appreciate your perspective on this.

I’m definitely questioning whether the patterns in this friendship are healthy and sustainable. I understand that trauma can affect behaviour, but it’s also important for me to consider how these dynamics affect my own wellbeing. Taking a step back might be the right approach.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it’s helpful to hear different viewpoints.

WTAF? This sounds like you’ve been married 14 years and are going to Relate…. Not a year-long platonic friendship. 🥴

Have you ever regularly fallen out with any other friends in your adult life?

OP it is not a friendship, not a platonic one anyway. It could be a non sexual relationship but there is definitely more to it. He could be that way due to his past or he could quite well just be a prick. I put up with this shite because I was in love with my ex but if a friend did it there would be a friendship ending. You do not fall out with friends this often. I think he has you blindsided to be honest. Im sorry but I would be walking very very quickly away from this.

I appreciate your concern and understand where you’re coming from. I haven’t personal witnessed his abuse or had independent verification beyond his own account, but I know of his ex’s character. I’ve tried to be empathetic to his situation, but the recurring patterns of withdrawal and silence are impacting our friendship and my own wellbeing. I’m considering taking a step back. I’ll definitely keep your advice in mind and remain vigilant.

I understand how it might seem that way, especially given the level of communication and the emotional ups and downs. We’ve been close, and while the friendship is platonic, the intensity of our interactions has made things feel complicated at times. I think it’s a sign that I need to reflect on whether this dynamic is truly healthy for either of us.

There’s really no need for your harsh and accusatory tone, which assumes a lot about the situation, or your sarcasm.

I do have empathy for what my friend has been through, and I’ve tried to be understanding of his need to retreat. However, I think it’s also important to acknowledge how these dynamics affect both people in a friendship.

It’s not about demanding attention or prioritising my feelings over his. I want us to both feel supported in the friendship, and sometimes that means discussing how we both respond to conflict. I don’t feel having a convo about these patterns makes me a bad friend, but rather someone who wants the friendship to be healthy for both of us.

Thank goodness! I was starting to think I'd been on Mumsnet too long!

Were you friends with him when he was in this relationship because I too think he actually sounds abusive himself!

The ' miscommunications' resulting in falling out followed by days of stone walling are classic abuse tactics!

If het can't help it and can't/won't work on his behavior you can only decide if you want to put up with it or not. Only you can decide if this is a friendship dealbreaker or if you can accept it.

I'm finding some of the responses on here really quite frustrating, particularly the PPs who are asserting that because they or people they are close to don't react that way after having experienced abuse the friend must be somehow faking his reactions, or is even the abuser himself. Not all abuse is the same. Not all people react the same way even when they have experienced very similar forms of abuse.

I have diagnosed C-PTSD after a previous 9 year physically and emotionally abusive relationship. When my (not at all abusive!) DH does or says certain things that trigger my C-PTSD I can react badly - sometimes I have a full on panic attack, sometimes I need to get away from the situation for a while and sometimes I even self harm. None of this is done deliberately to 'punish' DH. My control over my reactions is honestly limited - if I could choose to react like a 'normal' person, I obviously would! Luckily my DH does understand although I do recognise it's unfair on him.

I do think though OP that your friend needs to take some responsibility for his reactions even if he can't control them in the moment. I always apologise when I'm calm, we talk it through and always end with a big hug. Obviously it's a different dynamic as this is your friend rather than DP or DH but the principle is the same. I know my emotional reactions can be OTT and am doing some online therapy to try to learn how to deal with them and my past traumanas constructively as possible (also on an NHS waiting list but that takes forever...). Do you think that is something your friend might be open to? I also do kind of feel like this seems like an awful lot of stress (for both of you!) just a year into a friendship... only you can know whether it's worth it!

@Andoutcomethewolves How long do you panic attacks last? Is it days or week?

Not regularly, no. Most of my adult friendships have been relatively stable and conflict-free. This situation feels unique in its intensity and frequency, which is why I’m reevaluating the dynamics. It’s been helpful to get different perspectives on this.

I appreciate your perspective. I’m definitely evaluating the nature of this friendship and how it impacts me. It’s been a challenging experience, and know I’ve got to do what’s best for my own wellbeing. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

The concerns you’ve raised about patterns of behaviour and the potential for abusive tactics are important to consider. I do understand that prolonged stonewalling and avoidance can sometimes be indicative of deeper issues or abusive dynamics.

I wasn’t friends with him during his previous relationship, so I can’t speak to that directly. However, I’m definitely taking a step back.

Your perspective helps me reflect more critically on the situation, and I appreciate your input.

I agree. I’m reflecting on whether this pattern is something I can continue to tolerate or if it’s a dealbreaker for me. Your comment, and some others and reinforced the need to evaluate what’s best for my own wellbeing. Thank you.

Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective. I appreciate your insight into how trauma can affect reactions and the importance of managing those reactions in a supportive way. I do agree that it’s important for my friend to take responsibility for his actions and work on constructive ways to handle his responses, even if he’s struggling with past trauma.

He has recently restarted therapy, hopefully that will help him to navigate his reactions and improve how he handled conflict. I’ll think about whether the effort required to continue this friendship (if there even is one at this point), is sustainable and beneficial for both of us. I’m leaning towards not.

Thanks again for your thoughtful response.

OP, are you aware that you sound exactly like an AI?

Maybe that's why you're struggling with your friend. He's human, and you're not?