To find it hard to maintain friendships with people who have had abusive relationships?

[Newlifeincoming]

I have a close friend, a guy, whose previous relationship was quite abusive. We were very close, but I’ve noticed that whenever we have disagreements he tends to retreat and goes silent, actively ignoring me for a few days to a week. He’s explained that his reaction is influenced by the abuse he experienced, as he’s very conflict-avoidant now. He’s always apologetic and explains himself once he comes out of his silence.

I’m struggling with this dynamic and finding it challenging to maintain our friendship, even though I understand where he’s coming from.

AIBU to feel this way, or is it a common issue when dealing with friends who have had similar experiences?

I think it’s interesting how you’ve framed your question- it makes it seem like this isn’t the only time you’ve found it difficult to maintain a friendship with someone who has been in an abusive relationship, rather than a specific issue with this friend. People react to conflict in different ways, try to understand their individual reasons for doing so.

But just because you often speak daily, why is it a problem if you simply don’t speak daily sometimes? Why would you have that expectation? He’s a friend. He isn’t your partner. You have your own lives.

Maybe speaking daily is actually just too much, and that’s why you apparently fall out with enough frequency that it’s become ‘a pattern’.

It sounds to me that you are quite an intense person and that he needs a bloody break sometimes.

Exactly. I think the OP is very much in denial about what she wants from this ‘friendship’.

No, I’m not aware of sounding like an AI and don’t feel this is the case. I’m definitely human and, as mentioned, I’ve had few issues in my other friendships.

I’m sorry if my responses have seemed impersonal. I’m genuinely trying to navigate a challenging situation and have appreciated the feedback. That’s really all it is.

You’ve gone on and on rebutting everything I have said. You just don’t wish to accept my answers, and find it difficult to accept anything I’ve said.

Kindly stop projecting.

You are an extremely direct communicator, OP. Thorough and attentive to detail. That can be disconcerting for someone who has a more casual style. I have some relationships where I have to be particularly careful what I say, as they pin down any inconsistency and require a detailed explanation.
My communication style is more relaxed, about underlying messages rather than specific details. Being interrupted to iron out the exact timing of the traffic jam etc makes conversation hard for me.

What have you tried so far to reassure him that you are a safe person to talk to? Have adapted your communication style to avoid direct contradiction, or raised voices for example?

Way way too intense. Why so much navel gazing? Are you both locked underground in a vault somewhere?

Just dial the whole thing down. He probably backs away because he doesn’t have room to breathe.

Edited to add - friendships should be natural, they should happen organically. They should add something to the participants lives. Is this? Or not?

What are you having disagreements about so frequently?

Slightly different, but I have noticed (from a 3rd party perspective) that people with difficult families can have a habit of withdrawing – I think if you’ve experienced people who disrespect boundaries, you might tend to be quite protective of your own or need time to consider how you feel if relationships cross into territory you feel instinctually uncomfortable with. I think it can be a self-protection/-preservation measure.

If you’re finding this difficult perhaps explain that to him. He’s under no obligation to change how he copes with conflict between you, but at least everyone knows where they stand.

Seriously though, I think it’s unusual to be falling out with friends that often.

Some people in my friend group have arguments or debates. It comes from being very close friends so they can be frank without worrying about losing the friendship. The kind of people who grew up with healthy dinner table debates. I don't think it means they shouldn't be friends.

Given that most of your friendships have had healthy dynamics, I’m going to suggest you are not the problem here.

Thank you for pointing that out. I hadn’t fully considered how my communication style might affect our interactions. He often tells me how much he appreciated my directness and has mentioned that it’s a positive aspect of our friendship. He is quite direct himself, which is why I thought we were good as friends.

However, I understand now that I might need to be more mindful of how I express myself to make sure our communication stays supportive and effective. I’m definitely open to adjusting my style to create a more comfortable space for conversation and reassure him that I’m supportive and safe to talk to.

Honestly, this is way way to much thought and emotion for a friendship that has only lasted a year. Friendships this short are about having fun together, being yourself. They aren't about changing your communication patterns, disagreements, freezing each other out. I realise that you aren't ready to accept that this friendship is not a keeper, but this isn't going to work out long term. It is really obvious to anyone with a bit more friendship experience. If I were you, I would back right off this one.

We’ve had disagreements over various topics, which often stem from misunderstandings or different expectations. I’ve already tried explaining how I find these situations difficult, but I’m open to having another conversation.

I do agree with you that frequent fallouts can be unusual.

I appreciate your input, but I think it’s important to avoid making assumptions about my experience with friendships. While this particular situation is challenging, I’ve had many successful friendships over the years, and each one is unique.

I’m simply trying to navigate this one with thoughtfulness and care. Everyone approaches friendships differently, and what may seem obvious from an outside perspective isn’t always so clear in the middle of it.

You are increasingly sounding like an AI, OP. I’m sure you’re not, but you might want to reflect on how you come across here, and think if you do want to communicate with this level of intensity and over-analysis with this new friends and others in the future, as something is clearly not working in this friendship.

I have already addressed this in a previous comment. I’m genuinely trying to navigate this complex situation with my friend.

I do appreciate your dedication to swallowing a psychoanalysis textbook, but watch it doesn’t give you indigestion.

Thinking about my friendships, there is verbal rough and tumble. No one has to navigate, we don’t make an effort to manage expectations, we are not open to conversations, we don’t look at patterns, we don’t have to tolerate, we don’t reflect, we just are.

Sometimes it’s going well, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes we drift away for a while, sometimes we come back, sometimes we don’t.

If you think of friendships as like the waves, they ebb and flow. Some friendships last a long time, some don’t. They are all voluntary. Sometimes I find too much effort is required to keep a friendship on an even keel, so I back away. That makes room for something else. The tide comes in, it goes out. There’s stormy weather in the winter, gentler weather in the summer. But it’s natural.

You seem to want a constant tsunami. That’s not ‘natural’ in the sense that it’s a bloody disaster. People need emergency help after a tsunami. That’s not a good thing, is it?

Just chill. If he’s ignoring you, move on. He might come back and he might not. It doesn’t matter.

And if you like to analyse, come to the Eastenders threads. For a double whammy, join the Reddit Eastenders posts too.

I had an ex who would do the withdrawing thing and it would be quite hurtful, especially as he would pick and choose who he could be bothered to see.

Some people use it as a manipulation tactic, too, to make you feel insecure so you maybe beg them to come back.

What I would suggest is to read your bible. It helps you understand how to approach every situation.

In this one it would indicate that you should be understanding of him and try and make it up quickly.

But - I would suggest having plenty of other interests or friends too, so when he does this it isn't as upsetting as he's not such a large part of your life.

Do you fancy this guy? Seems like a lot of angst for a year long friendship.

I just wouldn’t have the time or energy for any of this, not for the silences (not that I would notice a two week gap in contact from a newish friend) or for the thinking carefully about whether it’s worth saying what I think in case he disagreed. I’d just take a few steps back and get on with my life.

I understand that different people have different approaches to managing friendships, and I respect that. However, your first sentence is somewhat dismissive of my efforts to address a complex situation thoughtfully. I’m trying to navigate this with care, and I appreciate constructive feedback.

But that’s kind of my point. After one year, it shouldn’t be a ‘complex situation’. That’s not a friendship in my opinion.

I understand where you’re coming from. I see it differently. I feel that even relatively new friendships can present challenges that require careful thought and effort.

OP are either of you in a relationship?

This sounds obsessive.