To find it hard to maintain friendships with people who have had abusive relationships?

[Newlifeincoming]

I have a close friend, a guy, whose previous relationship was quite abusive. We were very close, but I’ve noticed that whenever we have disagreements he tends to retreat and goes silent, actively ignoring me for a few days to a week. He’s explained that his reaction is influenced by the abuse he experienced, as he’s very conflict-avoidant now. He’s always apologetic and explains himself once he comes out of his silence.

I’m struggling with this dynamic and finding it challenging to maintain our friendship, even though I understand where he’s coming from.

AIBU to feel this way, or is it a common issue when dealing with friends who have had similar experiences?

I know what you mean OP. Slightly different, but I have a friend who suffers from depression, and because of this she has very strong boundaries around certain things that she feels may impact her mental health. While I understand this, it does affect our friendship which can feel a bit one-sided at times. I think it's understandable if you need to take a step back.

I do care about how he feels and recognise that his withdrawal is a coping mechanism due to past trauma. My concern is about finding a balance between understanding his needs and managing how his reactions affect our friendship.

I understand that a few days to a week might not seem like a long time, and I do recognise that everyone needs space. For us it’s strange as we are very close and speak daily. It has now been two weeks at this point.

My concern is more about how this pattern affects the overall dynamic of our friendship.

Honestly you are overthinking this. You are not here to solve his past problems, if the friendship isn’t working for you, which obviously you have questions over, then put some distance between you. He is how he is and it doesn’t work for you.

That’s a fair point. I’m actively trying to understand and support my friend while also reflecting on how our interactions might affect him. I’m working on being more mindful of his responses and finding ways to communicate that consider his past experiences.

@Psychoticbreak's comment is worth considering. How long have you know this friend OP? Are you sure it's not him stonewalling and trying to control you with the silent treatment?

It sounds as if your friend is not taking responsibility for his behavior.

If you are tired of this dynamic OP and having to put up with his stonewalling and silent treatment, which are abusive, you can back away from this relationship. You owe it to yourself to be treated with respect also.

You’re right that people can use silence for various reasons. Distinguishing between avoidance due to past trauma and other motivations can be challenging. Or at least, I think so.

I’ve actually told him that it feels like I’m being punished when he repeatedly does this, but he’s said that it’s more to do with him than it is to do with me. Your comment has made me reflect on these dynamics more deeply now

@Newlifeincoming how long have you been friends?

I do want to approach this with empathy and understanding. I have actually.

I’m trying to balance recognising his past experiences with how it affects our friendship.

I don't tend to have arguments or fallouts with my mates. To be honest. I haven't since i got out of my teens ....

The one thing i would say is that in my experience friends who have been in a fair amount of talking therapy/counseling tend to .... monologue about themselves and how they're feeling rather a lot. That can be wearing.

I'm sure it's not everybody ect ect, but in my experience this has been so.

Sounds like you’re going through a similar thing somewhat. It’s helpful to hear how others manage these dynamics, so I appreciate you suggesting a step back might be necessary.

If he's getting back to you in only a few days or a week I would except that. It's a reasonable amount of time - he's not ghosting you for months at s time. He's explained the affects of his abuse and I think you should except that.

What was this particular disagreement about? The devil is in the detail with posts like this

Well, me and plenty of my friends have been in abusive relationships. It doesn't define our personalities. We don't behave oddly towards friends because someone hurt us in the past.
I'd say he's got some other issues going on.
Is the friendship particularly beneficial?
I'd say park the fact he has experienced abuse. Millions of people have. Sadly.

I admit that I can overthink at times, which sometimes complicates things. I guess I’m trying to balance being supportive with addressing how the friendship impacts me. I’ll take your advice into consideration and think about whether stepping back might be the best approach. Thank you.

If you want to continue having a lot of contact with him, make sure you aren't acting as his therapist. A friendship should be based on mutual communication, respect and understanding. It should be fun.

I don't really fall out with my friends. We just talk things through and let other things go because we are probably all annoying in some way but not worth arguing about.

I think I know what you mean OP. Some people here are acting like the you are in the wrong for disagreeing with him at all, but it is challenging to maintain a relationship with someone for whom a minor difference of opinion over what to have for lunch or if a movie was good can trigger a trauma response to the percieved conflict and cause them to react in ways that most people would consider disproportionate.
It's good to be sympathetic to his issues, but if your friend is putting you in a position where every time you displease him he will react like you're his abuser, then you aren't at all unreasonable to find that stressful and unsustainable in a friendship and put some distance between you until he has a better handle on his reactions.

Honestly this reads like he is using abusive tactics on you. Stonewalling and silent treatment is not normal behaviour and is not the standard traumatic response. If he was subjected to long term abuse it’s possible he used the same tactics back to try and survive and as such doesn’t really know how to relate to people in the normal way. Cycles of abuse are pretty common - the abused goes on to abuse others.

Honestly with so many fractions I’d question whether it might be wise to take a bit of a step back from this friendship. I’ve never argued or fallen out with any of my long term Friends or more recent friends - but I had one short friendship a few years back that was similar to what you described. The lady had a lot of problems, very vocal about past trauma, and she was constantly creating so much drama within a friendship group. I took a step back for a few weeks and she blocked me on everything - it was very hurtful at the time, never got any explanation, but I can see looking back she was trying to control everyone in the group and lived off creating drama and power struggles. My life is so much simpler and calmer now!

I’d say they are best avoiding you.

We’ve been friends for about 1 year. To answer your other questions, our friendship has had its ups and downs and I’m honestly trying to navigate how his behaviour and our communication patterns fit into the overall dynamic of our friendship.

Did you personally witness his abuse (& are certain it wasn't retaliation related) or has his story been verified by multiple independent sources? Please be careful, many abusers DARVO & frame themselves as victims. Creating emotionally charged situations... hooking someone.... then withdrawing is more commonly used as a mechanism of abuse, than seen as a reaction to historic trauma.

He may be genuine, but keep your wits about you. And if it turns romantic immediately Clare's Law him.

Thank you. I’m considering the possibility that his behaviour might not be entirely about his past trauma but could also be about how he handles conflicts. I’m reflecting on whether this dynamic is healthy for both of us and if stepping back might be the best option.