To find it hard to maintain friendships with people who have had abusive relationships?

[Newlifeincoming]

I have a close friend, a guy, whose previous relationship was quite abusive. We were very close, but I’ve noticed that whenever we have disagreements he tends to retreat and goes silent, actively ignoring me for a few days to a week. He’s explained that his reaction is influenced by the abuse he experienced, as he’s very conflict-avoidant now. He’s always apologetic and explains himself once he comes out of his silence.

I’m struggling with this dynamic and finding it challenging to maintain our friendship, even though I understand where he’s coming from.

AIBU to feel this way, or is it a common issue when dealing with friends who have had similar experiences?

How often do you fall out?

If its often enough that his reaction is such a massive deal then maybe the friendship is over anyway.

It sounds like your friend has tried to explain himself & reactions to you but it's entirely your choice whether you accept this or not. I have had very very few disagreements with my friends as an adult though so maybe your relationship is a bit fragile anyway? It depends whether you value his friendship enough to let him retreat during these conflicts.

How many disagreements are you two having that this is even a problem? I can count on one hand the number of disagreements I have had with all my friends in the past 5 years.

What disagreements do you have? I very rarely have disagreements with friends and I’d wonder about a friendship where there were frequent disagreements that cause an issue like this.
Anyway to answer your question everyone is different and I’ve not come across this as shared issue in people who have experienced abuse. It sounds like something he needs to work on but that’s his choice and your choice is to decide if you can cope with this or not

I'd be more worried about how you're falling out with a friend, rather than their reaction to falling out

I see what you mean and I am a survivor of massive trauma so I'd be the friend in this scenario.

Let me explain how I see it, as it is a thing.

If I have been disciplined by having a hand around my throat and my head being banged backwards repeatedly against the wall, that memory is present in me for a long time and it is going to influence my feelings about having normal conflict in non abusive adult relationships. I'm going to avoid that conflict as much as I can, run away etc.

Shouting can upset people, stonewalling, mud slinging arguments - all can be incredibly damaging and the survivor has to wade through their own personal response to that to come to zero ('I no longer mind conflict') let alone come to a positive position about conflict ('I can handle and get something positive out of my conficts'). At the moment, your friend is feeling conflict as it has damaged him, and now you feel his response is damaging your friendship and how you can behave around him and what you can say.

As the traumatised person in healthy relationships, yet again I am on the back foot because everyone is functional now except me, and I've got my little bits left to resolve, if I ever will - so thanks again, abusive childhood - it is not nice to be that person when normal people don't understand and judge us, and we know we don't handle it right but we just can't help it, it is hard wired in me to be aware of people who might get so angry with me that they bang my head on the wall by my hair. I don't want to upset them and I just want to get away to safety by myself.

If your friend is in therapy or not, he may have some way to go to be comfortable in conflict and until he is, you may see strange or different behaviour, as you describe. It's like the ripples that spread out from abuse (yet another reason why abuse needs dealing with.)

Can you try not to see it as so much of a problem? Can you ask, when he is feeling better, what goes on for him and why? Do you know much about what happened to him? Any airing out will help him I expect.

@something2say has posted a very wise and sensible comment.

People who have had traumatic upbringings or relationships have often come a very long way to get where they are and have to apply a lot of self discipline just to be able to handle relationships at all.

Its totally reasonable that you find his behaviour frustrating and want better communication but you have to remember this may just be beyond his capabilities. He owes it to you to be honest but if he’s an otherwise good friend I would not hold him up to the same standards of behaviour as someone who hasn’t been through this.

I have experienced this and yes it is hard. But you know why and that it’s a real issue for him so if the friendship matters to you you’ll have to accept it.

What about the other people who you find it hard to maintain friendships with because they've been in abusive relationships?

You've only given an example of one person here?

The fallouts aren’t extremely frequent, but when they do happen, his reaction is quite pronounced and it impacts me significantly.

Our disagreements aren’t extremely frequent, but when they do happen, his response to retreat and ignore me for a period of time makes it feel quite significant.

You don’t seem to care much about how he feels about anything. It’s all about the impact on you.

Also, even if your arguments aren’t ’frequent’, if you’re having enough of them for this to be an issue, it sounds like a dysfunctional friendship. You are upsetting a friend enough for him to feel he has to withdraw, significantly enough for you to be complaining about him withdrawing.

I’m also not clear how him withdrawing from a conflict is ‘impacting you significantly’. He’s just stepping back from a row, which is perfectly sensible. He doesn’t owe you a confrontation just because you’d personally prefer that to cooling off for a bit.

Your relationship sounds dramatic.

Most friends don't argue.

He ignores you for ‘a few days to a week’? How often do you feel the need to speak to your friends? A week isn’t a long time at all. Maybe he just likes some space without feeling suffocated. Why does it have a significant impact on you not to chat with one friend for a few days?

Is he straight? You sound like you’re expecting him to act more like a boyfriend than a mate.

The disagreements we have are usually about everyday things or miscommunications, but they seem to trigger a strong reaction from him. I understand that frequent disagreements might not be typical in most friendships. I agree with you that ultimately it’s his choice to work on his reactions, and it’s up to me to decide if I can cope with this dynamic.

I'd be asking what you're doing to mitigate causing your friend trauma?

If you can't accept him for who he is then no, you shouldn't be friends anymore.
Good for him for communicating his needs.

There shouldn't be so many conflicts in an adult friendship that it becomes this much of an issue.

If you can't handle very infrequent bouts of your friend withdrawing for a few days after an argument, after he's explained exactly why, and is apologetic afterwards, the I think that says far more about you than it does about him tbh.

This. I have lots of good, longterm friends I’ve known for over a quarter of a century, and I could count on the fingers of one hand the times there have been minor fallings out or misunderstandings, and that’s across my entire range of friends.

If this friendship isn’t working for you, step away from it and concentrate on other friends, OP.

Like the other posters, I think it is a sign that something isn't right that these fallouts are even happening. Thinking about my friends, I think we average a disagreement about once every 8 years, and they are connected to specific and uncommon events. If you are finding that normal communication about everyday things is making someone fall out with you, I think the friendship isn't a good one. You are too different as people to be close friends. I would back off from this one if I were you. You might also find that if you aren't actively trying to be friends with someone who isn't a good match for you, you might actually get on a lot better.

Thank you for sharing your perspective and personal experience. I really appreciate the depth of understanding you’ve given. It’s helpful to hear how trauma can impact someone’s response to conflict and the struggle to navigate healthy relationships.

I do want to be supportive and patient with him as he works through things. I’ll think about trying to understand more about his experience and how it affects him, and have an open conversation when he’s ready.

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I agree that trauma can significantly impact how someone handles relationships and communication. I take on board you saying to be patient and considerate of his limitations due to what he’s gone through.

I do value our friendship, I think it’s about balancing my need for effective communication with understanding his challenges.

My ex used to do this but it was nothing to do with previous abuse, he himself just uses the silent treatment to punish so I am not sure of it is an avoidance thing or an abuse thing to be honest.

If he were really conflict-avoidant he'd either tried to appease you, become a bit distant or go no contact permanently; but freezing someone out for days or weeks and then to resume contact like nothing happened is a way to punish someone for behaviour they don't like.

Are you sure he was not the abusive one in his past relationship?

I'd try and have a little more empathy, to be honest.