To not invite dad’s GF to my wedding?

[CrypticElliptical]

My boyfriend proposed last month, and we’re just starting wedding planning for next year. We’ll marry in his native country as it’s cheaper and he has elderly grandparents who won’t travel but who we very much want to be part of our day.

My native country is on the other side of the world. My parents will both be travelling around 30 hours to get there, as will my siblings and much younger grandparents, plus hopefully a few friends from my youth. Here’s the thing: my parents are in the middle of divorcing (after first separating little under a decade ago and then getting back together briefly). Since last year, dad’s had a new girlfriend, who I have not met. When he announced this, my mum spent over a month in tears and still has breakdowns over the idea this woman is stealing her family. (Their split was due to my dad’s infidelity, or rather, that’s the polite version). It’s toxic and I’m sympathetic to my mum but she also can’t see how her behaviour, such as telling my sibling and me all the gory details of why they’re divorcing, makes like traumatic and difficult for everyone else, and she can be volatile.

When I announced I was engaged, dad was delighted for me and said “Gloria” was looking forward to a trip to Europe and to taking him to Spain as an add-on to the holiday. But I’m leaning towards not inviting her because I want an stress-free day and I’ve never met the woman. Do I have to invite her? I get that from my dad’s perspective it’s crap to travel this far without your partner. I’m pleased for him that he’s found someone. I’d even be up for her coming to the country we’re marrying in and having dinner or something separately, I can just see all manner of hell being unleashed by my mum if she comes (plus, I just think my mum would be stressed and as mad as she is, I love her and she’s been badly hurt). Also, they won’t be paying for the wedding; I will. WWYD?

YANBU - don’t invite the GF
YABU - it’s unfair to your dad

It's tricky when it's not really "just a day". Presumably as your family is travelling so far, the celebrations and family activities will run over at least a few days. So your mum and Gloria may come across each other multiple times.

The people you want there are your parents. It sounds like it will be hard enough for your mum just seeing your dad, let alone if "Gloria" is there too.

I think that when someone cheats on their partner, they need to own the impact that has on family relationships beyond just their partner. Your dad should feel grateful that he will be able to be at your wedding on whatever terms you decide and he should understand that it will not have been an easy decision. If he can't accept that, then it sounds like he has no sense of remorse for cheating at all.

I wouldn't invite Gloria. Yes it would be nice for your dad to have her there, but not at the expense of your mum's comfortability on your wedding day. I'd speak to your dad and say you'd love to meet Gloria and think it's great that they are turning it into a holiday but you won't be inviting her to the wedding as you don't want to cause any upset to your mum, and obviously, your mum takes priority over Gloria.

I wouldn’t invite anyone that I haven’t met to my wedding.

Don’t. I did and she was rude to everyone and my mother threw a huge strop.

If the person was important to my one parent I would invite them, it is not your fault your parents split and they call act like the adults they are

You don't need to be in the middle anyone acting up on the day would be asked to leave parent or not if I had that at mine

Again, why is it the mum who has to "grow up" and not the cheating dad face a consequence for his shitty behaviour?
And before people say "poor Gloria" for being left out, I wonder if Gloria is that bothered really?

Oh Gloria was not the OW, I don't really understand why your DM is saying she's stealing her family?

I wouldn't have my adulterous father there, let alone any of his girlfriends, nor blame my mother for letting me know what he used to do. (My father was just as bad as this.)

I think the mum has been very badly hurt and badly treated by the father.
Being cheated on in a ltr or marriage has been linked to PTSD so it's likely the mum's feelings around her exH & his partner aren't entirely rational.

This.
Your Dad precipitated the split because of his infidelity so he has to bear the brunt of this dilemma. He knows having new gf there will be upsetting to your mother and that it will spoil everyone's day.
The gf is not someone you have any sort of relationship with so does not need to be at the wedding. Who knows she may be temporary?
Your mum has been through hell because of his bad behaviour ... her feelings should take precedence. He does not deserve consideration of his.
Just tell him.that you are happy to meet gf on another occasion but your wedding is not the right one.

I have sympathy OP, but believe me when you are married yourself a few years, perhaps with a child, you are going to see your father through a vastly different prism.

His infidelity which if I read correctly may have involved close family, a sister? is a truly toxic situation.

As the eldest your mother very wrongly confided in you, perhaps knowing no better.
This adultification of you is undoubtedly very damaging and well done for seeking therapy.

It is ok to say to your mum that you want her to seek therapy as you no longer want to hear about her relationship with your father.
Tell her it is distressing to listen to and it has taken your peace. That you want to be able to enjoy this special time.

Assure her that his girlfriend will not be invited but you will be very upset if either of them embarrass you on the day.
Spell that out clearly.

Your father is really scum and has never cared a whit for anyone but himself, hence his forcing Gloria on you to chat.

You have every right to knock that on the head.

Sadly I see a time may come where the burden they have placed on you results in you not wishing to see either of them because of the stress you associate with them.

The firmer you are with them both now, the better.

But whatever drama your mother is, there is no doubt she has borne a very hard life of hurt and grief at the hands of the scum she married and had children with.

It really is ok to start putting in firm boundaries with them both as you embark on marriage.

Do it before you have a family so you are not dragged into future drama involving christenings, birthday parties etc.

The person who is going to cause all the stress at the wedding is your DM. Sounds like she would share all her woes with your ILs as well which you probably don't want either. It seems to be wrong to exclude your father's gf when she and your dad are not causing the stress directly.

Fgs, really??

Maybe OP shouldn't invite her mum then??
Where is the evidence that her mum is going to cause a fuss and be involving other relatives?

I am shocked by attitude towards the OP's mum on here! Although maybe not because MN is rife with this kind of thing these days.

It's a new relationship that probably won't last so why does that have to take precedence over everything else? It's nuts!

You don't mention if Gloria is the OW. Did your father have an affair with Gloria? If yes, then don't invite her. If no, and Gloria had nothing to do with your parents marriage split and is an innocent in this, then yes you should invite her.

Her father's at least an adulterous scrote who wants to impose his latest girlfriend on his daughter's wedding (and doubtless cause even more pain to her mother) and you think he should be treated as if it's nothing, just a mistake, all in the past, and you're blaming her mother for her ongoing distress?

I think it's quite simple really, OP.

You say to your dad that out of respect to your mum's feelings you won't be inviting his new gf to your wedding.
You explain to him that this is a consequence of his poor decisions and poor behaviour throughout his marriage & your childhood.
You tell him that you want him there, that you want both of your parents there & you want them to behave civilly towards each other. You tell your mum the same.

If your dad can't do that for you and says he won't come I think that says a lot about him & his character. It's one day and it's your day and he should heed your wishes.
He wants to bring his new gf for his own reasons. Because it feeds his ego.

And as for gf, well, she knew what she was taking on when she chose to have a relationship with a man with such a chequered & complicated relationship history so I think she will have to accept that this is a consequence of that decision. I don't think her feelings are something to prioritise at this point.

Even if the partner was one he had known for 9 months? Not inviting her, in my opinion, would not necessarily be due to her being DFs GF, but would be based on the length of the relationship. Wedding places are at a premium, they’re expensive, and often you have to brutally leave people off to accommodate others. I would not be leaving someone off the list who I might have known longer, and who I had at least actually met, for someone with my serial cheating father who had been on the scene for 9 months, who I had never met. Chances are this person is not going to be around for long, before he moves on with someone else. And if her df refuses to attend due to OP not inviting his gf (and I use that term loosely for someone who he has known for 9 months), then it says more about him than OP.

@Catsmere @OrangeTeabags

Not excusing the father's behaviour but from what the OP has said, she doesn't think he will instigate drama. The drama will come from her mother not being able to put her daughter first on her wedding day. Yes he's a scumbag but she has to suck up her feelings for one day to give her daughter her best day. Surely as a loving parent you should do that?

As it appears that the dad had an affair with a close family member, is the mother going to cause trouble if that side of the family are there as well?

You know that if she overshares with her children she will have no issue with telling all her daughter's in-laws everything as well.

In the OP's position I would have the wedding with the fiances family and invite her friends to get a day without drama. I'd have a second wedding celebration with her mother.

I think it’s because a lot of those commenting with lack of empathy for the mother are either OW themselves, or are involved with a man who has separated from his wife. They have experienced being ‘left out’ by the first families, and are projecting on here.

And surely for "one day" the father can accept that he doesn't get to have his partner there?

Honestly, the hatred towards the mum on this thread is unbelievable! Yet, the shitty dad is the one whose feelings have to be protected!

Nope, wouldn't invite her. You've never met her, they've been together less than a year and a half, you don't need to invite her at all. Sure, your dad might be upset, but it was presumptuous to think you would invite his GF you've never met.

If the father declines to come because his GF that OP has never met is not invited, then good riddance tbh

I wonder if Gloria wants to go given the ex wife and one of the old affair partners will be there??

Not sure I would want to be involved in that if I was her.

Difficult one, but you've not met dad's girlfriend yet so I don't see why you should invite her if it's going to cause upset.