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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my baby to stay with his dad overnight

167 replies

Bunny44 · 06/09/2024 20:08

My baby is a year old and has never met his dad as he left me when I was pregnant for someone else and moved to the US afterwards. We've been in touch but it's not been very consistent especially on his side. He says he loves his son but he's only done a handfull of video calls with him and not provided anything financially. I often question why either of us bother and I've kept it to only responding when he reaches out.

Now I'm going to the US for work next month and I mentioned this to him and he suggested I brought my son and let him look after him while I'm working. However he lives in New York and the event is in Florida. I was tentative but I'm still breastfeeding and co-sleeping so I thought well this way if he takes him in the daytime I can carry on breastfeeding and co-sleeping at night.

However when I said this to my ex, he was annoyed and he said Florida is too far and he expected me to drop our son off in New York and leave him there for 4 or 5 days and then pick him up on the way back. He said he wants quality time with him including overnight and that I'm being unreasonable to deny him this as his parent. That I need to stop breastfeeding and it's not hard.

I'm assuming I'm not unreasonable, but just want to sanity check. Although he's his dad, he chose to leave and my son doesn't know him. I think my son would be distraught if I just left him with essentially a stranger even if he is his dad. I thought it was a big deal to leave him with him in the daytime as it was. I don't want to be accused of being the sort of mum who keeps my child from his father, but I thought offering him to either meet us in Florida or to stop in New York on the way there (so they could meet with my supervision) is very reasonable, especially given his lack of effort thusfar. I'm not saying never but now I think my son is too young and his father a stranger to him.

My ex is not a US citizen and can't travel out of the US currently to do with visas. He claims he has parental rights but he's not on the birth certificate and my son has my name. Presumably he can't exert rights over my son there as a non-US citizen. His partner has always seemed extremely hostile and has openly said negative things about the existance of our son throughout my pregnancy and thereafter which have gotten back to me.

I know people leave young babies with ex's and their partners all the time and I'd love to facilitate a relationship with his dad but AIBU to think his expectations are unreasonable?

OP posts:
AskZoltar · 06/09/2024 20:09

Yes I think his expectations are unreasonable. I think that's far too long for a 1 year old to be without his primary carer. Your ex is essentially a stranger to him.

HamSad · 06/09/2024 20:09

Just say no. It's totally unsuitable.

Spenditlikebeckham · 06/09/2024 20:10

You would be failing your ds if you even contemplated this ridiculous idea..

PinkyBlueMe · 06/09/2024 20:11

He's completely unreasonable and this is not in your child's best interests. He's a stranger and it'd distressing and frightening for your little boy.
You build up to overnights when they haven't met before, over a sensible period.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/09/2024 20:11

Spenditlikebeckham · 06/09/2024 20:10

You would be failing your ds if you even contemplated this ridiculous idea..

This. 100% this.

Kitkat1523 · 06/09/2024 20:12

I can’t believe you’ve even posted this….he is a stranger…you don’t leave your son with a stranger…..absolutely ridiculous

Stanleycupsarecool · 06/09/2024 20:12

Absolutely not.

He is a stranger to your son. Don’t want to be mean, but if you just left your son with him for 4 days it would traumatise him, he’d think you had abandoned him.

MumChp · 06/09/2024 20:12

No is a full sentence. I have learnt that on MN. It's the answer here.

If he doesn't work with you don't inform him about your travel details. He has 0 rights.

Portfun24 · 06/09/2024 20:13

Eh if he was that bothered he'd move his arse to Florida to see him not expect you to drop him in New York, fuck that. I remember your precious threads and don't know why you're even communicating with him even more he's a complete joke of a father.

DownWhichOfLate · 06/09/2024 20:13

I can’t see anything wrong with any of that 🙄

Original poster
Bunny44 · 06/09/2024 20:15

Portfun24 · 06/09/2024 20:13

Eh if he was that bothered he'd move his arse to Florida to see him not expect you to drop him in New York, fuck that. I remember your precious threads and don't know why you're even communicating with him even more he's a complete joke of a father.

Edited

Yeh I know. I keep trying to phase out communication but then he pops up again and I don't want to be accused later down the line of being the parent that prevented contact. I've given him every opportunity to say he either doesn't want to be involved or be more involved but he just walks middle of the line for some unknown reason.

OP posts:
RobinHood19 · 06/09/2024 20:16

Do not even think about it. Your son is too young to stay with his dad, and this man sounds too shady to be left in charge of a child, in a foreign country.

How long has he been in the US? Legal immigrants on work / tourist visas are allowed to leave the country and come back whenever they want, his story makes no sense.

He’s either been there long enough to be applying for residence and it so happens that this is a period between visa expiring and residence being granted… or he’s overstayed his visa so he can’t travel abroad as when he tries to come back, he won’t be let in. Or even better, he’ll be arrested at the airport on the way out.

So this man is unreliable at best, an illegal overstayer at worst, which would make locating and getting back your son even more complicated, if he decides not to return him after these magical 5 days of parenting him alone.

Don’t do this OP. Trust your gut and don’t listen to him.

Mintypig · 06/09/2024 20:16

Please do not consider this ridiculous proposal.
this guy is a total stranger who is demanding you stop breastfeeding to accommodate him. What if he can’t cope? What if he goes missing with your son? You don’t know anything about how he would parent or how safe he would be.
don’t tell him anything more as you are feeding these bizarre requests. If he was bothered he wouldn’t have left you and gone to the other side of the world.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 06/09/2024 20:16

Stanleycupsarecool · 06/09/2024 20:12

Absolutely not.

He is a stranger to your son. Don’t want to be mean, but if you just left your son with him for 4 days it would traumatise him, he’d think you had abandoned him.

Yes exactly what I was thinking. He obviously has no idea about how traumatising this could be for his son and is only thinking about what he wants.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 06/09/2024 20:16

Your child will probably be terrified. You would be leaving him with a stranger!!!

Your first thoughts are right - not a chance. I wouldn’t even leave him alone with him during the day. You need to be there to supervise.

He’s not on the birth certificate. He has no rights whatsoever at this stage. He would surely need to begin legal procedures to establish parental rights. But he can’t leave the US - so how likely is he to do this?

Mooneywoo · 06/09/2024 20:17

This man is basically a stranger to you and a complete stranger to your son. Do not leave your child with him.

Ballacarn · 06/09/2024 20:18

Not in a million years would I do any of that.
The most I'd agree to at this stage is that he travels to Florida to spend time with you and your child together.

CristinaNov182 · 06/09/2024 20:18

Wow.

  1. this man is putting his desire over and above the needs of the baby. Massive red flag! The baby will be distraught, having been abandoned by his mum to a total stranger (the videos mean nothing at this age). The baby will feel abandoned, no question about it, and you know it.
  2. you are actually considering abandoning your baby for a few days to a man you have never seen parent your child! That’s even more unbelievable to me. Your instinct is warning you, hence the post here, but you are putting this man before your child.

if he wants to be a father, he is just the sperm donor atm, he needs to show up in person a few hours at a time, while you are present!

your duty is to your child, any number of horrible abuse or NEGLECT, intentional or unintentional(lack of parenting skills) can happen while you’re not there, even if you are missing for a few HOURS only.

you have no duty to this man. He can become the father in a safe appropriate way, if he wants to.

im afraid you don’t have it in you to be assertive and protective of your child. If that’s the case get help. Have a friend or relative as the middle person between you and the sperm donor.

Spenditlikebeckham · 06/09/2024 20:18

Maybe tell him you are having ds adopted and block him. He won't ever have your dc's best interests at heart. He could take you to court but would have to actually come over here. And he would have to justify to a judge why you receive no cms.... And why he came up with such a batshit plan...

Daisybuttercup12345 · 06/09/2024 20:19

That will be a loud NO .
WHY are you even considering this?
Ridiculous!

Itsmahoneybaloney · 06/09/2024 20:19

Tell him when he starts paying child maintenance you can have a conversation about access. What a dick.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 06/09/2024 20:19

Absolutely not. Hard no. This man is a complete stranger to your baby.

Cityandmakeup · 06/09/2024 20:19

What if he took him? Would you have any way of knowing where he was? Absolute no

Singleandproud · 06/09/2024 20:20

Parents have responsibilities not rights. If he isn't on the birth certificate then he has as much 'right' to him as any Tom, Dick or Harry knows the street.

Honestly you are best just calling it a day and stop trying to facilitate any sort of contact beyond what he instigates himself.

What are you going to do with your son on this trip though? Are you bringing him with you? Leaving him with a grandparent etc? I'd be inclined to leave him with a familiar grandparent in the UK and not take him with you. Your milk won't dry up after a few days it'll be fine

His suggestion is like saying pop to Munich and drop your baby off whilst you work in London it's a ridiculous suggestion.

BloominNora · 06/09/2024 20:20

Were you married? If not and his name is not on the birth certificate he does not have parental responsibility / rights.

If he wanted them he would have to come to the UK to apply for them either with your agreement - which would involve completing a form and getting it witnesses at Family Court or if you didn't agree by making an application to the court.

If he can't be arsed to travel from New York to Florida I can't see him being bothered to come back here and potentially pay out a fortune in legal costs!

Just tell him to do one!