To not want my baby to stay with his dad overnight

[Bunny44]

My baby is a year old and has never met his dad as he left me when I was pregnant for someone else and moved to the US afterwards. We've been in touch but it's not been very consistent especially on his side. He says he loves his son but he's only done a handfull of video calls with him and not provided anything financially. I often question why either of us bother and I've kept it to only responding when he reaches out.

Now I'm going to the US for work next month and I mentioned this to him and he suggested I brought my son and let him look after him while I'm working. However he lives in New York and the event is in Florida. I was tentative but I'm still breastfeeding and co-sleeping so I thought well this way if he takes him in the daytime I can carry on breastfeeding and co-sleeping at night.

However when I said this to my ex, he was annoyed and he said Florida is too far and he expected me to drop our son off in New York and leave him there for 4 or 5 days and then pick him up on the way back. He said he wants quality time with him including overnight and that I'm being unreasonable to deny him this as his parent. That I need to stop breastfeeding and it's not hard.

I'm assuming I'm not unreasonable, but just want to sanity check. Although he's his dad, he chose to leave and my son doesn't know him. I think my son would be distraught if I just left him with essentially a stranger even if he is his dad. I thought it was a big deal to leave him with him in the daytime as it was. I don't want to be accused of being the sort of mum who keeps my child from his father, but I thought offering him to either meet us in Florida or to stop in New York on the way there (so they could meet with my supervision) is very reasonable, especially given his lack of effort thusfar. I'm not saying never but now I think my son is too young and his father a stranger to him.

My ex is not a US citizen and can't travel out of the US currently to do with visas. He claims he has parental rights but he's not on the birth certificate and my son has my name. Presumably he can't exert rights over my son there as a non-US citizen. His partner has always seemed extremely hostile and has openly said negative things about the existance of our son throughout my pregnancy and thereafter which have gotten back to me.

I know people leave young babies with ex's and their partners all the time and I'd love to facilitate a relationship with his dad but AIBU to think his expectations are unreasonable?

He couldn't have stayed in the UK unless we were married and we didn't want to be together. I mean he left me but I was fed up of him anyway by the point he left and don't think it would have worked out. He could have tried harder with the relationship but ultimately we were facing a long distance relationship with his son once the relationship ended. He didn't have any money and has little now, but I suspect he's prioritising his current family and debts. I do think it's bad he hasn't at least offered anything at all. I lost my job and he knew that and did nothing. I agree he's made minimal effort even considering the situation being difficult.

I am assuming you knew at least some of this when you had sex and was the sex unprotected?

That's hardly relevant at this point.

Wow, he sounds like a real prince among men.

The good news is that if he can't enter the UK then he can't apply to be added to your son's birth certificate and have parental responsibility.

I'd be tempted to just block his number. He won't bring anything positive to your or your child's life.

I would just leave your son with your parents as planned and pump while you are away. Stop talking to this bloke, who is a stranger to your son and sounds completely unreliable. In your shoes I’d be worried about him abducting your son if you leave them alone together at all.

Your ex doesn't understand babies. He's a stranger to your son and no matter how much he loves him, or believes himself to love him, your son's experience will be that he has been left in a strange place by a strange man. Breastfeeding is another issue. The unpleasant partner and her attitude to your son is an added problem. Absolute hard no.

Most unreasonable thing I've ever read on Mumsnet

What a cunt

Is there no way you can get money out of him ?

@Bunny44

I live in an area of the US with a large Latino immigrant community. Some are here legally, some are not. I get 100% why they come here and I don't have a problem with it. Hopefully your ex will try to get his situation 'legalized' but that is a long and difficult road these days. I also used to live near border crossings and it wasn't unusual for people without legal status to go back and forth. But maybe things have changed since then.

Listen, at this point if I were you I'd just take a step back. Let him 'facilitate' the relationship and if that works for you, fine. If not, take an even bigger step back.

Your DS is still very young, too young to really build much of a relationship via FaceTime or phone calls. And much too young to get anything out of a trip to the US, even if you were to stay in a hotel and do 'visits' with his dad. Visits now would pretty much be for his dad, not for your DS.

If he calls at a convenient time for you, take the call. End if when DS gets 'wiggly' or shows signs that he's 'done'. But I wouldn't bother trying to initiate contact. As DS gets older and he shows an interest then explore other ways of developing a relationship between him and his dad.

The above is the exact same thing I'd tell a mum whose child's dad lived clear across the country and refused to travel to where the child was. Do what works for you. The difference is that your son's dad says he cannot risk leaving the US. But that's his problem, not yours. He made choices and choices have consequences. Just because the choices were made out of economic desperation doesn't change that.

The day may come that you contemplate a journey to the US so your son can meet his dad. But that should be at your son's request so won't be for quite a few years yet. For now, just relax and enjoy your son.

@soupfiend

& what? Leave the baby at home alone for the week?

Did he actually explore alternative possible routes to staying in the UK that didn't involve marriage? Sounds like the relationship ended and he just buggered off back home with barely a backward glance. Funny how he's managing to stay in the US without documentation and no immediate family ties there, yet couldn't possibly manage stay in the UK where his son is.

I would tell him work have now postponed the trip till next year. He doesn't need to know any different. But I would remove the question of him doing the care at all for now. Next year you can say they've decide to send another person instead or whatever.

Well yes he didn't really care about me and yes he buggered off, but regarding staying here, I looked into it and to be honest the rules are so stringent now, especially if you don't speak English (I'm bilingual) there are so few options. When I spoke to lawyers they just said marriage was more or less the only way and even that was hard. He could come on a visit visa but he wasn't permitted to work so obviously he couldn't live here permanantly. The US there are way more undocumented migrants and they have there ways of getting by (usually Americans willing to pay them cash in hand to do building and beauty for instance) and so many people speak Spanish there so it's very different.

There are work visas, student visas, asylum status, and many ways of staying in a country if one really tries. Of course, in some tragic cases people won’t succeed - but that’s no excuse for him not taking care of his child even if he had been forced out of the country.

Funny how overstaying illegally in the UK where his son actually is, was not the option he took?

As you said, he has other priorities. Actions speak louder than words. He may say he loves his son - but has he offered to share expenses with you? Has he sent money (even a little if he doesn’t have much - as a gesture), does he send birthday and Christmas presents? Has he had a serious conversation with you about setting up a contact schedule? Calls, photos etc…?

If he can’t be bothered to make an effort and be interested in his child, his priorities are wrong. It’s sad and I’m sure it hurts, but please don’t beat yourself up and don’t go to any length to try to facilitate their relationship. Stop messaging or calling. Let him come to you, and see how frequently he’s interested in his son.

Totally a no from me. Also have you checked laws out there? What if he tries to keep the child? Lots to consider considering this is a man who has not supported his child. That would need to change before I would even consider access

I’d leave your son with your parents. I went away for 6 days for work when DS was 13 months. I tried to pump but was never much good at it. DS was fine. I also fed him to sleep but when I wasn’t there, he coped with DH rocking him to sleep. Fed him fine for nearly another year when I got back. If I did it again I probably wouldn’t bother pumping - sometimes I felt it actually made things worse!

He might be his dad but he is a complete stranger to the child it would be a straight no from me.

He isn't a parent, he's a sperms donor.