To not want my baby to stay with his dad overnight

[Bunny44]

My baby is a year old and has never met his dad as he left me when I was pregnant for someone else and moved to the US afterwards. We've been in touch but it's not been very consistent especially on his side. He says he loves his son but he's only done a handfull of video calls with him and not provided anything financially. I often question why either of us bother and I've kept it to only responding when he reaches out.

Now I'm going to the US for work next month and I mentioned this to him and he suggested I brought my son and let him look after him while I'm working. However he lives in New York and the event is in Florida. I was tentative but I'm still breastfeeding and co-sleeping so I thought well this way if he takes him in the daytime I can carry on breastfeeding and co-sleeping at night.

However when I said this to my ex, he was annoyed and he said Florida is too far and he expected me to drop our son off in New York and leave him there for 4 or 5 days and then pick him up on the way back. He said he wants quality time with him including overnight and that I'm being unreasonable to deny him this as his parent. That I need to stop breastfeeding and it's not hard.

I'm assuming I'm not unreasonable, but just want to sanity check. Although he's his dad, he chose to leave and my son doesn't know him. I think my son would be distraught if I just left him with essentially a stranger even if he is his dad. I thought it was a big deal to leave him with him in the daytime as it was. I don't want to be accused of being the sort of mum who keeps my child from his father, but I thought offering him to either meet us in Florida or to stop in New York on the way there (so they could meet with my supervision) is very reasonable, especially given his lack of effort thusfar. I'm not saying never but now I think my son is too young and his father a stranger to him.

My ex is not a US citizen and can't travel out of the US currently to do with visas. He claims he has parental rights but he's not on the birth certificate and my son has my name. Presumably he can't exert rights over my son there as a non-US citizen. His partner has always seemed extremely hostile and has openly said negative things about the existance of our son throughout my pregnancy and thereafter which have gotten back to me.

I know people leave young babies with ex's and their partners all the time and I'd love to facilitate a relationship with his dad but AIBU to think his expectations are unreasonable?

Yes but if you're travelling for work, what is your childcare plan?

Presumably you either have to bring your baby to the US and have your ex look after him all day every day (which will also be traumatic even if it's not overnight), or you have to leave your baby behind in the UK with someone else like your mum. You can hardly have him with you while you're working, can you?

It seems quite all or nothing.

No. No and no again.

He does just enough. He isnt arsed. Speak to a solicitor

Big no from me when he’s never had him before and your son doesn’t know him. It’s a good few hours flight and I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving my child there

No, don't leave your child with a virtual stranger - to the baby anyway . You have no idea whether he can even safely lookafter the baby who will need nappy changing, feeding etc. Has your ex partner done these things before? And of course you don't have to stop breastfeeding because he said so. Your baby's needs come first.

Children aren’t pay per view. If it’s in the child’s best interest to have a relationship with its parent, it should be facilitated.

cms is a separate issue and should be pursued whether or not the child sees its parent.

o/p it sounds like you are doing your best to at least try to ensure your son knows his dad. However he is asking way too much- if he were prepared to fly down and meet you that would be a different issue.

We currently live with my parents and he's been left with them during the day before and has been perfectly happy, but me going away would mean sleep training him and stopping breastfeeding which I'd rather not although I could. Maybe that's better than dragging him halfway around the world and having his dad look after him in the day 🙃. My mum reluctantly suggested coming with me but she'd rather not.

I only entertained his dad looking after him as it'd allow me to continue breastfeeding and I was worried about my baby missing me at night. My idea was to arrive a day or 2 early and supervise contact so he'd get used to him but I wanted him back with me in the evening.

This guy has extensive experience looking after children and is good with them but I still think he's prioritising his wants over my son.

No

I wound not trust this man

if he wants to see his son he should come to you

No way would I do this. If he wants to come to Florida and visit with you there and get to know his child then I'd be open to that but no way would l leave the child with him.

Do you really need to go? None of your solutions sound ideal with a 1 year old.

He can't come to the UK.

🙄 I’m bowing out…..speechless that OP has gone to great lengths to actually think this through as a plan …..it will all end in tears OP….yours and your kids

He has no parental rights.

He’s a total stranger to your baby.

Those comments would wave huge red flags and I’d absolutely phase out communication. As for the trip, tell him it got cancelled and don’t communicate with him again.

His only ‘emotion’ seems to be the desire for control and to establish his ‘rights’. But not so bothered about getting to know his child, or caring about how a baby might feel or what his son might need. The demand to stop feeding is all you need to hear. Stop communicating, leave longer pauses, hope he loses interest. And when your son asks, you can tell him how he wouldn’t even consider coming to meet you in Florida to see him, but demanded you stop breastfeeding and leave your baby with a stranger for a week.

You don't need to stop breastfeeding or even sleep training, he will behave differently for his grandparents without you there. Your milk will be fine if it's established just expect a long feed when you get back. It's no different if you were ill/injured and needed a hospital stay, they would all manage.

Go on your work trip, enjoy the child free time, leave DC safe with his grandparents in his familiar surroundings.

I’d be worried about kidnap if I’m honest. There would be no unsupervised time whatsoever.

You still haven’t explained why.

Awful idea. Don't do it, op

Yes wish I didn't even mention him I was going to the US now. I just thought as initially my mum might come I should let him know that his son would be in the same country.

My son currently feeds to sleep so I worried about that while I was away.

I think you’d be mad to leave him with this guy unsupervised at all. Kiddo doesn’t know him and I would be worried about a kidnapping situation. It’s not likely in the grand scheme of things but your relationship with dad isn’t good, you’re in a foreign country. Just no way would I leave my 1yo alone.

Tell your ex the trip has been cancelled/postponed to get him off your back, then consider arrangements from there. Say your ex couldn't be arsed to see his son and didn't want to know. What would you do then? Do that.

But definitely do NOT leave your son alone with this man. In fact I wouldn't be taking him at all. Express some milk, build up a freezer supply, and leave him with your parents. Better that than whatever your ex might try to pull once he's on US soil.

I’d also just tell him you’re not going after all. He doesn’t need to know anything. It does not sound like a guy you need to facilitate a relationship with at this stage.

I can't believe this is even a thread. He's a total stranger to your breastfeeding baby. Of course he can't have him overnight in a foreign country. This is batshit!

You know it isn’t like the movies and he won’t meet his son and beg you to be with him and you all live happily ever after… Your son will be massively unsettled from the flight etc, and will need you (or your mum). He will probably want to breastfeed even more than usual to deal with all the change.

He feeds to sleep on you, for a grandparent he'll manage, be a bit grizzly perhaps but they'll cope.

But America is huge it's more being on the same continent than the same country.