To not want my baby to stay with his dad overnight

[Bunny44]

My baby is a year old and has never met his dad as he left me when I was pregnant for someone else and moved to the US afterwards. We've been in touch but it's not been very consistent especially on his side. He says he loves his son but he's only done a handfull of video calls with him and not provided anything financially. I often question why either of us bother and I've kept it to only responding when he reaches out.

Now I'm going to the US for work next month and I mentioned this to him and he suggested I brought my son and let him look after him while I'm working. However he lives in New York and the event is in Florida. I was tentative but I'm still breastfeeding and co-sleeping so I thought well this way if he takes him in the daytime I can carry on breastfeeding and co-sleeping at night.

However when I said this to my ex, he was annoyed and he said Florida is too far and he expected me to drop our son off in New York and leave him there for 4 or 5 days and then pick him up on the way back. He said he wants quality time with him including overnight and that I'm being unreasonable to deny him this as his parent. That I need to stop breastfeeding and it's not hard.

I'm assuming I'm not unreasonable, but just want to sanity check. Although he's his dad, he chose to leave and my son doesn't know him. I think my son would be distraught if I just left him with essentially a stranger even if he is his dad. I thought it was a big deal to leave him with him in the daytime as it was. I don't want to be accused of being the sort of mum who keeps my child from his father, but I thought offering him to either meet us in Florida or to stop in New York on the way there (so they could meet with my supervision) is very reasonable, especially given his lack of effort thusfar. I'm not saying never but now I think my son is too young and his father a stranger to him.

My ex is not a US citizen and can't travel out of the US currently to do with visas. He claims he has parental rights but he's not on the birth certificate and my son has my name. Presumably he can't exert rights over my son there as a non-US citizen. His partner has always seemed extremely hostile and has openly said negative things about the existance of our son throughout my pregnancy and thereafter which have gotten back to me.

I know people leave young babies with ex's and their partners all the time and I'd love to facilitate a relationship with his dad but AIBU to think his expectations are unreasonable?

This an important point OP. I won’t even judge it as I do understand a bit the situation you describe. However, it would be even more irresponsible for him to have unsupervised access to his child when he’s undocumented in the country.

There is no legal way for you to retrieve your son, should the worst happen. Yes, he has no rights to remain and is probably trying to keep a low profile, but he’ll also have a lot of family or community connections which mean he totally could deny you access to your child and you’d have no way to fight it legally (unless by reporting him).

Family ties are hugely important in Latino communities. Many believe children should live within the family, even if parents themselves are irresponsible in the way your ex is. So please, don’t let your child out of sight as you might never get him back. I say this without any malice - as I said, I have some knowledge and understanding of the culture. Protect your child and cut off contact.

you tell him your trip is cancelled - end of story

do not leave your child which is a stranger!

Well, you can't really go to Florida, can you? And you were never going to be able to go.

I have to. I'm a single mum and I need this job. It's mostly flexible but has occasional mandatory travel.

@RobinHood19 There is no legal way for you to retrieve your son, should the worst happen. Yes, he has no rights to remain and is probably trying to keep a low profile, but he’ll also have a lot of family or community connections which mean he totally could deny you access to your child and you’d have no way to fight it legally (unless by reporting him).

What do you mean about having no legal way for me to retrieve my son? Surely if my son is abducted by someone who is not his legal guardian in the US the authorities would treat this extremely seriously?

He doesn't have a lot of family or community connections there - he moved with his partner and her family and they're not a big group. He fell out with most of his family over what happened with me. He's in contact with his mum and so am I but that's it.

I'd block him because you're vulnerable to being persuaded to consider his ridiculous proposal. I'm a bit scared for your son that you don't have clear enough judgment to have given this unreliable man a firm NO when he proposed this idea in the first place.

If your child’s abductor is living under the radar, it would make it more difficult to trace him. He’s most likely trying to stay off records and avoid the authorities, so do you think he’d make himself known to the police if he / the family decide to keep your child?

Please send a firm NO and never again consider the possibility of your child being put in this situation, it’s too dangerous.

I’d leave baby with your parents if they’re fine with caring for him during your trip. He will be fine, even though you’ll miss him like crazy!

This x1000

I would not put a dog in that scenario let alone an infant.

Absolutely not. On no account do this. Why are you even in touch with him? He doesn’t give you maintenance money and he sounds uninterested.

This man is to all intents and purposes a stranger - you barely know him. Your DS doesn’t know him and would be terrified.

You’d be mad to do this. Do not leave your DS with him overnight or alone.

But does the US system care whether he has parental rights in the UK given there's also no court ordered access arrangements either way? Or could he just prove via a DNA test that he is the father which may satisfy the authorities he is not abducted. Then if father gets deported child may ve sent with him. I have no idea, but I'd wany to take legal advice on the point if it were me.

I know it is hard to leave a breastfeeding and cosleeping child (been there!) but honestly you'd be amazed how well they cope when left with a trusted adult. Baby is presumably on solids so will manage whilst you're away and you just need to keep your supply up. Baby is far safer with your mother than with a man he's never met.

I doubt the US system would protect you….always assuming he could be found….much easier for someone to go awol in the US with all the different States

Tell him you have decided that actually you can’t go on the trip.
Stop contacting him. He has your number, it’s up to him to keep in touch.
Stop ignoring your instincts, your radar should be screaming at you!

Re breastfeeding even if you don’t usually pump bring a haakaa or something so you can stimulate the breasts every so often. Your supply should be fine at this stage. In your shoes if there is any way your mum could come with you I would do that. I quite understand if she won’t, my mother wasn’t amenable even when it would have been combined with a holiday for her or I offered to pay for a holiday afterwards etc. A colleague who got on really well with her MIL used to bring her MIL on all our work trips to mind her baby.

I think you should never have agreed to leave your DS with him atall. You can't just leave your DS with a stranger. I'd cut him out of your DS's life. He is likely to cause more damage than benefit.

Even if you didn’t pump there’s a good chance you could restart breastfeeding when you got back. If you look at photos of your son while you pump it helps the let down, not an old wives tale it really does work.
I wouldn’t leave him with him alone for 40 mins, he’s a total stranger to your son. He’s also a useless heartless idiot who hasn’t paid a penny towards his sons upbringing!
I agree with the poster who said you should block him. Try to sleep train him now and leave him with your parents. Would your Mum cosleep with him in your bed?

They're applying for asylum and got married there so he is on the radar/on records. Also his partner has children at school there. But I still am wary in case he does something unhinged like abandon his partner and run off with my son even though he's got no one else there.

But yes I am thinking of leaving my son behind just because I feel my ex isn't prioritising him, I didn't like the dismissiveness about breastfeeding and I was reassurred what PPs said about my supply being find for a few days. I think at this point if we do meet it'd be for a supervised stopover only (with my mum is tow).

”I don't want to be accused later down the line of being the parent that prevented contact.”

HE moved to the other side of the world.

I’m not even a parent - and I know that if he wanted to be a decent father, he’d be putting your child’s needs before his own wants.

You'd be insane to do this (and I can't help feeling he knows that you will refuse so his "grand gesture" of offering to mind his own son will die a death and he is off the hook again).

Florida is 3 hours flight from NY. Would you even consider leaving your child with a stranger in Spain while you go to Greece for work? Of course not.

Stop communicating with this waste of space. Literally just stop responding on the rare occasions he contacts you. He'll be relieved is my guess. And your son will not have to deal with a useless, feckless father.

OK thanks for the tips that's helpful. No my parents are both really heavy sleepers so I wouldn't want them co-sleeping. That's one of the things I worry about with leaving him with them but obviously needs must.

I can't help feeling he knows that you will refuse so his "grand gesture" of offering to mind his own son will die a death and he is off the hook again

I'm actually wondering this... although he sounded genuinely enthusiastic and then genuinely disappointed in his voicenotes. But who knows - I think he may be a narcissist from his behaviour (not just throwing that around).

I think it's fine to tell him a lie, such as the work trip isn't going ahead anymore. then let the contact fizzle out. This man isn't to be trusted with your dc.

He's not on the birth certificate, doesn't have his name and my baby is a British citizen. They can't just award custody of a child to an un-named parent and send him to a country where he doesn't have citizenship with an unregistered parent. Especially since the US has bilateral agreements with the UK.

Yes thinking of leaving him at home anyway since ex/his father is making things difficult. Wondering if he's being difficult because he actually doesn't want to see his son/knows it will make things difficult with his partner.

My ex's mum has waded in anyway and is 100% on my side on this. She said it could be extremely traumatising to my son and she's speaking to her son about it.

Be a bit like you leaving your son with me, can you imagine how scared your son would be?...Who am I to your little one? No one at all, as is his sperm donor. Sorry but I am calling it like it is, the man is nothing and no one to your son. Get another phone number and maybe check that old number occasionally, but as he cant come to the UK, there really is not much point in your son even knowing who he is

You can’t seriously be considering this.
Your baby has no idea who this stranger is!! Of course it’s unreasonable. I wouldn’t even see him based on what you’ve said. I probably wouldn’t contact him at all unless he was in the same country (living) as me and baby and I had seen some consistent effort. Honestly- be stronger and set boundaries. He clearly knows nothing about babies!! Or he’d know this is mad,

They can't just award custody of a child to an un-named parent and send him to a country where he doesn't have citizenship with an unregistered parent. Especially since the US has bilateral agreements with the UK.

In theory, they can’t. In practice, it can take years to sort out and agreements don’t mean immediate action would be taken. I really don’t mean to scare you / any parents out there, but there are huge implications to taking your child to another country and leaving them in the care of their parent. There are many horror stories of seemingly innocent visits or holidays, where the children were never returned.

I think your mum going with you, or your son staying home with them would be safe options. Don’t try to justify him, help him, or be too trusting of his reasons and low chances of anything happening to your son. The law and agreements can’t 100% protect your son - just don’t put him in that vulnerable situation.

It's not just unreasonable, it's nuts.

You'd be leaving your breast fed child with strangers - the poor child would be distraught.

And you'd be leaving him eith a woman who resents his very existence.

He doesn't love his child. He doesn't know him, has done nothing to support or coparent and is now trying to twist blame for that onto you.

Personally I'd ghost him.