To not want my baby to stay with his dad overnight

[Bunny44]

My baby is a year old and has never met his dad as he left me when I was pregnant for someone else and moved to the US afterwards. We've been in touch but it's not been very consistent especially on his side. He says he loves his son but he's only done a handfull of video calls with him and not provided anything financially. I often question why either of us bother and I've kept it to only responding when he reaches out.

Now I'm going to the US for work next month and I mentioned this to him and he suggested I brought my son and let him look after him while I'm working. However he lives in New York and the event is in Florida. I was tentative but I'm still breastfeeding and co-sleeping so I thought well this way if he takes him in the daytime I can carry on breastfeeding and co-sleeping at night.

However when I said this to my ex, he was annoyed and he said Florida is too far and he expected me to drop our son off in New York and leave him there for 4 or 5 days and then pick him up on the way back. He said he wants quality time with him including overnight and that I'm being unreasonable to deny him this as his parent. That I need to stop breastfeeding and it's not hard.

I'm assuming I'm not unreasonable, but just want to sanity check. Although he's his dad, he chose to leave and my son doesn't know him. I think my son would be distraught if I just left him with essentially a stranger even if he is his dad. I thought it was a big deal to leave him with him in the daytime as it was. I don't want to be accused of being the sort of mum who keeps my child from his father, but I thought offering him to either meet us in Florida or to stop in New York on the way there (so they could meet with my supervision) is very reasonable, especially given his lack of effort thusfar. I'm not saying never but now I think my son is too young and his father a stranger to him.

My ex is not a US citizen and can't travel out of the US currently to do with visas. He claims he has parental rights but he's not on the birth certificate and my son has my name. Presumably he can't exert rights over my son there as a non-US citizen. His partner has always seemed extremely hostile and has openly said negative things about the existance of our son throughout my pregnancy and thereafter which have gotten back to me.

I know people leave young babies with ex's and their partners all the time and I'd love to facilitate a relationship with his dad but AIBU to think his expectations are unreasonable?

What is your plan for childcare though? Do you have someone to leave your baby with in the UK for 5 days?

If it helps you to understand what the impact might be, I had a conference weekend away when my DS was 18 months old. He was at home with his dad whom he’d seen every day of his life.

When I got back on the Sunday night he was still awake, clinging to DH. He must have thought I’d left. I paid a big price for that conference as he would only sleep with me in the room for a long while afterwards.

Now think about that situation- only the person he’s left with he doesn’t even know.

Why would you leave your one year old baby with a stranger and go few states away on a distant continent?
I would not left my parents annoying cat to someone like that.

I am not sure why are you even thinking about this and pandering to your ex after a year

God, of course you don’t leave a baby with a stranger in a foreign country! He has no legal responsibility or rights as he isn’t on the bc.

Just say no. The man is a stranger in a strange country living with another stranger. In no world are you being unreasonable and you’re already being far too accommodating for him.

Stop talking to the daft twat man.

Erm. No.

Dont set foot in the US with your son. Im sure others have already said the issues with the law there.

I havent read the thread.

@Bunny44

Dont do anything so ridiculous.

message him to say the work trip has been cancelled.

block him on everything.

your baby doesn't need this twat in their life. He's no more than a sperm donor.

best thing to do would be to see if you can get out of the trip. Second best thing would get them to pay for a flight for a 'carer' to go with you (preferably known & trusted family /friend) third would be to fund it yourself it's only the flight/food) hotel room is already paid for

She doesnt need to do all that, she just needs to say no?

There isnt any drama here at all, its just no.

Do NOT do this. None of it🤦🏻‍♀️ leave your son in England, with your preferred childcare provider whilst you go to the US for work. And stop engaging with the ‘father’. Unless he comes to England or you are contacted by his legal team.

Don't let him do day contact in Florida while you work either. You don't want him fucking off and taking your baby with him.

I think that's a very unlikely scenario as he's got to have a clean record to stay in the US which is his and his partners main aim at the moment. She has kids too so they can't exactly go on the run with my baby.

No way would I leave my one year old with a total stranger.
Even 1 hour alone would be a big thing, 4-5 days over 1,000 miles away - absolutely not.

Block him immediately and don't let him know the finer details of your trip to florida.

The partner that has said awful things about your pregnancy and baby. I wouldn't want my baby spending time in a house with someone who is so angry at their existence.

I feel the same .

OP where is your head at ?

stop contact altogether this is madness

This can't be a serious suggestion! If he wants to spend 4 or 5 days with an unknown 1 year old suggest he makes some friends in New York with babies. He needs to make a lot more effort to be involved in your DS's life (like a financial contribution) before you go out of your way to facilitate anything. Your baby is currently too young and he is too clueless to leave them together.

Why are you defending this man? In fact why are you even considering this as a possibility, it’s absolutely insane!
Imagine how confused and scared your child would be being left with a complete stranger for days on end.
You’ve also openly said his partner is hostile towards you. Who’s to say she would in any way be kind towards your child? You don’t know anything about her, why consider leaving your child in her care?!
Tell him the work trip is cancelled & start to faze out all communication with this man who doesn’t give two shits about his child

This.

The fact he’s saying things like ‘Just stop breastfeeding it’s that simple’ shows he knows nothing about children.

He hasn’t bothered to come and see his child, don’t give into his ridiculous demands. Your child will be frightened and confused.

Just to reassure everyone I'm in no way considering leaving my baby overnight I just want reassuring that I'm not being unreasonable. I know it would traumatised him. I'm reconsidering even leaving him in the day given my ex's response. Actually I've spoken to his mum now and his mum agrees with me and is going to speak to him.

I agree. Stop the video calls. You baby doesnt benefit from them.

So are they there legally? You haven’t replied to this yet. What type of visa are they on, and why can’t he travel out of the country?

I don’t think this man cares about having a clean record at all. I think he senses an opportunity to hurt you through your son, and you should stop contact and ignore his requests.

Absolutely dont leave him in the day either. Are you nuts? He doesnt know your child. He doesnt care about him. He doesnt care if he eats or has shelter.

Why on earth did you tell him you were going?

just say the trip has been cancelled.

Absolutely not. It's not in the child's best interests. If he wants to see his child he needs to return to the UK and have short regular contact. He needs to start with 2 hour a few times a week supervised for a month. Then 2 hours a week unsupervised. Then 4 hours and so on. He is a stranger to your child. Tell him NO. I would be very clear that he has absolutely no parental rights at all. He's a stranger who has never met the child through his own choice. Don't take your child to the USA to meet him. If he cares about his kid he would have chosen to stay and meet.