DD starting uni - her comment has broken my heart

[KatnDarmam]

I have 2 DDs, DD1 is going into her 2nd year at uni and DD2 her 1st.
They have similar interests but DD1 definitely has some advantages, she's seen as being more conventionally attractive than DD2 and is neurotypical. While I think DD2 is gorgeous she has a less conventional look and is autistic which has made her social life a lot harder.
Today I took DD2 shopping for uni bits, at home her room is very fun, lots of pastels and fun things, she loves jelly cats etc. But everything she bought was plain. I didn't really notice or care until we got home and DD1 said why's it all so white? DD2 replied with "I don't want to get anything babyish" to which DD1 picked up her new bedding from the kids section which she got the day before (just flowers nothing crazy) and said I get fun and cute things and I'm not babyish. This is when DD2 said "it's okay for you to have flowers and pastels and all that you're everyone's crush and hot as fuck, If I do it I'm just the weird ugly autistic girl with a kids bedroom".
DD1 literally had floral bedding, pink gingham sheets, pink and flowery plates/towels/pots and pans last year and no one said a word, she was very popular actually.
This broke my heart I don't know how to help her. She's perfect as she is and I don't want her to change to fit in!
AIBU to need some advice on this one? How do i help DD2 know she can be herself!

Awww I'm mum to an autistic boy (not uni age yet) and a lecturer to many autistic students.

I think generally autistic people find their people at uni and, in my experience, thrive and mature as their peers do. Not saying it's easy ...it's. It always the right choice for some students, but I think she'll realise that she's not that weird, autistic ugly girl at all. She'll be kooky with the other kooky kids. Everyone tends to find their tribe.

I have autistic students who bring teddies in (I was a bit 🤯when that started happening).

What is she studying?

Is she Into anything else that isn't so 'pink and fluffy' that might come across as young. You can get nice flower and animal type things but in a more 'edgy' colour, brighter or with a goth twist maybe.
Just telling her to be herself probably won't work as she's already figured that often only works for the 'cool and popular' kids.

For what it's worth I recently graduated at 43 and literally everyone I met and who's dorms I visited were into everything and anything and actually nothing at all was laughed at or criticised. A few cool plants and a Boho throw or something chucked in and she'll be fine.
Maybe give her an extra bit of money to get some more things once she's more settled and comfy and has found her vibe a bit more and knows what the people around her are Into

Well, I think she's right, to an extent. Popular charismatic people can get away with being babyish or plain odd in ways that people who may struggle sociallym or stand at more of an angle to the mainstream cannot. In fact, I think it says a lot for her social intelligence that she grasps this.

And her sister is going into her second year, with her university persona already arrived at, her friends made etc -- of course she can be more relaxed than someone just starting as a fresher.

I do also think that as a pp said, your younger DD likely to find her tribe at university, and to be able to relax into a version of herself that doesn't feel like a performance. But I don't think she's wrong not to want to replicate her home bedroom in her student accommodation. Home bedrooms are private in a way that your hall of residence bedroom often isn't. She's just biding her time, and not putting too much of her private self out there in her bedlinen etc until she finds her feet.

Best wishes to her for a good first term!

I have just spent a ton of money and time re-doing my 12yo DD's bedroom, it went from pastels and girly with soft toys etc to grey and white and no soft toys. I know she did it to be more like the 'cool' girls at school and not because it's who she is.

Your DD will find her people and when she does it will help bring her back out of herself. Little by little she will feel more comfortable turning her space into what she wants, be ready with the bank card when it happens!

My nd daughter would choose items that suit her personality, more stylish "different" colours and designs as she gains confidence as she gets older,
.......
she would definitely not choose anything like her sister!

@KatnDarmam

that hurts, but the very sad thing is, she's not wrong. 'Cute' is fine when you're the pretty popular one, but it's 'weird' when you're not.

Don't tell DD2 'to just be herself' you'd be undermining her, making her mistrust her own feelings.

just tell her she can take/buy other bits as she settles in. She might feel more like she can be more 'pastel' once she's made some friends.

Not being harsh, but what you want is irrelevant. It's what she needs that counts. She wants (at this stage) to 'fit in' & feels more confident being a bit 'white/neutral' She'll find her tribe & slowly feel more able to be herself.

it's doesn't matter how perfect WE think our kids are, this is their journey xx

Thanks for this. Am mum to an autistic daughter (not yet uni age) and this was so lovely to read.

OP it sounds like she has the solid foundations beneath her (in you) from which she can try out these thoughts and ultimately realise they're not true. Teen years are such a trial, I'm sure you're doing enough already. Horrible to have to watch your kids go through shit, worse than it happening to you! Just reiterate her worth to her and she'll know it. You've got this xx

She has a point, sadly.

Hi I read what you wrote and I think it’s really hard to know how to respond to what she’s said as she’s clearly picked up that she is perceived differently to her big sister.

I was thinking if she were my daughter, maybe I would write down all the things I love about her and add to that what her dad and sister love about her. I’m thinking of my autistic son and one thing I love about him is that when he laughs he cracks up and it makes everyone around him laugh. His laugh is so infectious.

Not to reassure her exactly, but to show her that there are more versions of her and other words to describe her than those she said to you.

And also to give her a space to let these feelings out with you, without you trying to take them away or fix them. It sounds like you have a relationship with her that allows her to say how she feels.

Sometimes, when you are new somewhere, you kind of want to keep a low profile in the beginning. That's OK!

That is really sad if it’s not what she really likes.

"Pretty privilege" is definitely a thing and I think your daughter is very astute to know this already.

She will find her way, but I imagine how much it must hurt you that she doesn't see herself how you see her.

I'm a bit, erm, quirky in taste (September 1st I wheel out the Tatty Devine plastic bat jewellery and today I wore heart print Converse) but when I went to uni I went with plain purple bedding and a dark towel to avoid any makeup stains. I wanted to keep a low profile and I wanted a calm uncluttered space in a small room.

I would accept the approach she's taken. She can always add things as she comes home for holidays.

Uni is an opportunity for a bit of reinvention for everyone, let her go through this and just support her ch
oices. She'll find her tribe at her own pace. Best wishes to her and a hug to you, OP.

I remember reading somewhere that conventional good looks are merely a time limited visa to the high life and it's devastating when you get deported. Nobody's truly has it all, all of the time.

Many PPs are saying trust your DD2 and they are right. Let her do what is comfortable for her. It doesn't mean she isn't that person but it does give her power (and thus increased confidence/security) to make choices - and ulitmately making choices IS power.

As for her style - again, give her time to express this as she feels comfortable. Then it can flourish fully. Also, condsider that she may have more than one style ...

I often feel that the best I can do for my DDs is NOT to argue. Whatever they want/can do, they've thought it out in minute detail so I try to facilitate.

Smart kid to have figured that out so young, took me a lifetime.

The beautiful part of university life is that there is pretty much a club for everything going and means she can find friends doing things she likes or wants to try without worry.

I would say she is astute and has a element of self preservation about her which will stand her in good sted at uni!

Make sure she goes to the freshers fayre on the society and sports days so she can see for herself. They tens to be the same days so she shouldn't waste her money signing up for too many.

Sad, but true!

DD2 will be going to Uni with a "blank canvass" that she can personalise once she finds her tribe.

If there is scope to give her some £ for a revamp once she has found her tribe, I would suggest that.

A cushion or throw could make a huge difference.

No one at university has actually said anything about her room, as she hasn't been there yet, so she's not being bullied or criticised, just taking steps to avoid a worst case scenario (in her head). The juxtaposition of ND sibling who struggles and charismatic people magnet sibling, makes the situation feel more extreme to you.

What you're seeing isn't that different to how a lot of kids starting university, or even adults starting a new job, would fret and worry that they won't fit in to this brand new scenario.

All you can do is encourage her to be herself and choose what ever she likes for her room.

Perhaps it’s more to do with not having childish tastes? My sons’ uni female housemates definitely didn’t have cute or flowery bedding etc. We’ve just been helping our son’s gf move into her new uni house and her room is decked out in a very ‘IG trendy’ style. It’s all white bedding with beige throws and cushions etc. She’s 20 and trendy and would detest pink, ditsy or floral.

Your daughter probably wants to appear more fashionable and mature.

I would say this is quite insightful actually, and shows emotional intelligence. It also shows she is anxious about how she will fit in. I would downplay the sad (and untrue) comments she made and focus on helping her prepare for Uni - plain sheets and all - and not question her choices, as this is the time when she will spread her wings and become as herself as she will ever be. She may also want a fresh start which means a new look. Ask DD1 to avoid making comparisons however much she is trying to help, as DD2 will and clearly is already making these herself.

DD2 is right.

I understand that you don't want her to change to fit in.

I don't fit in very well. Life is a lot easier if you hide it at least a little socially.

She's more sensible than you are. Teens and early twenties reject people very quickly and in a nasty fashion. She's sensible to try to fit in at least a little bit.

I relate, for different reasons. When I was that age, I would always see these cute baby-doll dresses on young women. They looked so pretty. I got a few. Turns out that, because I'm petite and flat-chested, when I wear a cute baby-doll dress I just look like I'm literally a six year old.

It's just not that easy for some women to find the style that suits them. It's ok for her to play around with different styles and find something that works for her.

I understand. I've got 4 dc with autism and my heart breaks for them when they say things like that. Sometimes I think it's easier for my youngest who is more severely autistic but doesn't seem to be aware that he is different. My 3rd tries so hard to be friends with people and he enthusiastically saves seats for children who go and sit somewhere else. Then there are kids who have loads of friends without having to try at all. I really hope she finds her tribe at uni. Dh and I found each other on our 2nd day.

Well I think @MidYearDiary has nailed it when she said Well, I think she's right, to an extent. Popular charismatic people can get away with being babyish or plain odd in ways that people who may struggle sociallym or stand at more of an angle to the mainstream cannot. In fact, I think it says a lot for her social intelligence that she grasps this.

I totally identify with how your daughter feels about playing it safe, and her reasoning, and as has been said above "it says a lot for her social intelligence that she grasps this". When she is an adult and had her own home & hits her stride, she may well have the strength to do as she pleases.

If anything, I am in huge admiration of her self-awareness, that in order to carry things off you have to be the full package and have the outward confidence to make it work. At a time where everyone is being encouraged to express themselves however they see fit, it's refreshing to hear of someone who actually still understands the basics of how things are underpinned.

Clothes-wise, I am incredibly boring and stick to what I trust, but I wear it well and I get complimented accordingly. Even if I had the confidence to step out of my comfort zone, I wouldn't have the visible confidence or finesse to pull it off - I'd be aiming for Kate Middleton and ending up as Su Pollard.

I appreciate the two people in my next example are both males, but compare the styles of Tom Allen to Joe Lycett - they both seem to be heading in the same direction, but Tom Allen has it nailed it, where as Joe Lycett, well...