DD starting uni - her comment has broken my heart

[KatnDarmam]

I have 2 DDs, DD1 is going into her 2nd year at uni and DD2 her 1st.
They have similar interests but DD1 definitely has some advantages, she's seen as being more conventionally attractive than DD2 and is neurotypical. While I think DD2 is gorgeous she has a less conventional look and is autistic which has made her social life a lot harder.
Today I took DD2 shopping for uni bits, at home her room is very fun, lots of pastels and fun things, she loves jelly cats etc. But everything she bought was plain. I didn't really notice or care until we got home and DD1 said why's it all so white? DD2 replied with "I don't want to get anything babyish" to which DD1 picked up her new bedding from the kids section which she got the day before (just flowers nothing crazy) and said I get fun and cute things and I'm not babyish. This is when DD2 said "it's okay for you to have flowers and pastels and all that you're everyone's crush and hot as fuck, If I do it I'm just the weird ugly autistic girl with a kids bedroom".
DD1 literally had floral bedding, pink gingham sheets, pink and flowery plates/towels/pots and pans last year and no one said a word, she was very popular actually.
This broke my heart I don't know how to help her. She's perfect as she is and I don't want her to change to fit in!
AIBU to need some advice on this one? How do i help DD2 know she can be herself!

If it helps, this 55 year old grandmother has the 7 dwarves on her bedding and I a. Very proud of it

IMO it's much easier to be yourself at uni than sixth form where everyone needs to fit in. She might not know who she is yet so going in with a blank canvas might work well

This is my experience and I'm hoping my DD's when she is old enough for uni. When I was at uni, graduated on early 00s the more alternative folk were popular so those running the alternative Drum and Bass nights rather than the conventional pop interests like Take That. People who understood politics and current affairs and were intelligent were more likely to be popular have lots of friends. My DS is like this in 6th form so I'm hoping uni will be like this for him not this popular contest in conventionality!

Popularity not"popular"

If anything, I felt so much pressure to be intellectual and appreciative of the Arts, know stuff that wasn't 'popular culture', I remember a time watching the Jean Michel Basquiat film on our shared house and one visiting student didn't know who he was and many of us were shocked!

1000% this.

I'm sorry to hear you've had so much bullying @Scautish and I absolutely hear you on people often paying lip service to inclusivity. They're happy to say all the soundbites until it actually means changing anything more significant than just tinkering around the edges.

I'm AuDHD btw. Lots of similar experiences. No bullying at uni, I did find a "tribe" but I found the experience of being part of and keeping up with a big friendship group horribly stressful. I prefer having a smaller number of close friends and spending time 1-1 or with a smaller group.

Autistic relationships look different and feel different. They are different.

I feel sad for OP's DD that she feels like she needs to mask so hard, but I understand why, I absolutely do. If you're not ND, you aren't gonna get how it feels to be surrounded by people and expectations you know you can never really quite live up to.

Sounds like typical sibling rivalry.

I think it's very normal and sensible to go with neutral stuff to Uni. She probably has grown out of her bedroom at home and want to try a new style at University. If anything I'm surprised at how girly your elder daughter's Uni bedroom is, most girls grow out of pink everything at 9. Maybe make sure she feels secure and loved as well, it can be hard being the NT sibling because so much worry and concern goes to the ND child and the NT child is expected to cope by themselves much more.

Just tell DD2 you love her and think she's awesome and you are so proud of how far she has come. To go from being non-verbal at 7 to being able to live away from home at 18 is an incredible achievement and she should nevee forget that. Remind her that at university no-one will be comparing her to her sister. Don't criticise her choices, tell her you think it's up to her how she decorates her room at Uni, not her sister, and it's fine to have a different style to her childhood bedroom. Change is normal.

Tell her to get what she likes, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. everyone’s different and amazing in their own way. Would be boring otherwise and comparing yourself is the thief of joy. Then tell dd she is beautiful and intelligent etc.

I just want to say I struggled to fit in at school, and I wasn’t as aware as your DD.
but freshers week at uni was the easiest time I had making friends. I just seemed to attract other quirky students who to this day are still my best friends! X

This is a perfect answer.

She really does have a point, speaking in general terms.

Uni is such a great place for meeting your people though - it's so vast and the personalities so diverse, there's room for everyone. If your daughter feels like she wants to be inconspicuous at first, let her be. I'm sure once she finds her group, she'll relax and be herself. That's for her to learn though.

See I think this sort of exists for DD1 too. But she is naturally well read and intellectual. She read war and peace at 16 for example!
I don't think DD1 has to try to be anything. I think she's already exactly what is well liked as she is. I don't think anyone cares much about her flowery bedding as she comes across intelligent/confident/worldly. Obviously it does help that she's 5'8, beautiful figure and stunning features!

I guess what is making me sad is DD2 feels she can't express herself. While DD1 has never felt any reason to hide who she is.
I do remember briefly DD1 tried to "fit in" at around 13. But she was very popular as it was (in all of DD1s life we never dealt with bullying or anything even close!) so didn't need to try and fit in.

I think it's hard having two polar extremes of children, in many ways DD1 has been left to her own devices (always did well in school, lots of friends, very easy kid) while DD2 has had all our attention (bullying from primary school, struggled to make friends, school was always a bit of a struggle).

I just don't want DD2 to lose herself in the name of fitting in. Of course I'm happy for her to change her style and if that's to plain and minimalist I'll support that. But I want it to be because she wants to and not because she is trying to fit in.

@KatnDarmam

Does she read much?
I'd get her looking at autistic and ADHD girls and women such as Ellie Middleton and Chloe Hayden.
Each of them have books out that really are empowering for autistic girls about unmasking and being their best self.
I have two autistic girls and one autistic boy , all of whom have ADHD as well. They've all been through it a bit And these sort of role models and advocates are really helpful and helping them gain confidence to be themselves.

There are even workbooks to go through that are actually quite fun and engaging

Honestly it seems to me (not very NT) that she is being herself.

I have a DD15 with ASD and ADHD and she really tried to fit in and looks up to the cool girls but found her tribe at school.

I would encourage her to join a club or sport she loves when she goes, this will give her confidence and hopefully she will feel comfortable just being herself.

I was at uni a few years ago. Nearly every single girl, no matter whether they were girls who dressed up, who dressed plain, who were quirky etc, had floral bedding!

Also I am autistic. I had a different style etc to your DD2 but I found my people at uni. I think the only people who didn't find their people are the ones who tried to be different to fit in.

I really hope she has the best time. And maybe let her know you'll be able to bring up her jelly cats or give her extra money to make her room more herself once she feels comfortable. I get not wanting to stand out when you don't know what to expect or what the bar is when it comes to decorating. For now, plain may be making her feel less anxious which is good. But make sure she knows you'll support her in being more herself once she's ready! Maybe if there's room under her bed, some of her fun decor or bedding could stay hidden and then it's there if she wants it.

I think it depends on how she said it:
Did she say it sadly/bitterly/matter-of-factly?

Because I can remember saying as a teen that I couldn't get away with something that the "in" crowd did.
It was a total comment of fact, and I really did not want to be in the popular crowd, nor did I really care. In which case I'd let her choose what she wants to do. I did, at times, do things because it helped me fit in better rather than because I liked them, and actually my siblings struggled much more because they didn't.

Sadly, then I think you need to encourage her to see her good points, and not let her think she's the down one.

And bitterly, maybe look at dd1 and dd2's relationship. Does dd2 feel dd1 shoves it in her face a little? The comment about the bedding could have been made in good faith or it could have been a snide reminder (even unconsciously) that dd1 is able to get away with it.

Yes , she’s not wrong is she.

I think that you may be taking your daughter's read of the situation as something negative and that needs to be fixed when she herself doesn't.

She's explaining what she needs to do to fit in, and to feel comfortable. Most girls/young women feel similar at some point. Your daughter's autism just means she is able to articulate what she is doing very factually.

I know it might seem like she's hiding her personality, but I'm sure she's not shallow enough that a beadsoread is a defining quality of her. It's her first year of uni she may want to reinvent herself at some point anyway, depending on who she meets and makes friends with. Lots of people change somewhat at that age, or get involved with new ways of thinking, new ideals, new experiences. University isn't like school, she will meet a group of people there that she feels comfortable with just let her do her.

Yes, that does make sense but to some extent, especially when young, I think many people play the imitation game, even those that seemingly don't. I think she needs to keep that in mind otherwise it can seem like other people are somehow, 'better' but the mindset needs to shift to they are not better they are different. My DD is only young teens but I try to influence her mindset in this way as she is a very talented Artist and plays an instrument well and in all honesty has loads going for her but as it is school she's always referencing the popular people like there are some special beings, I remind her all the time that they are just individuals with stuff in common like she is with other people and that's fine and what friendships look like but they are not 'better' just because they are popular. Although DD is very self assured, she is quietly confident but I still have to work on that message.

They are on different paths. Autism is a unique challenge but can also come with special abilities.

When DD has had issues with others being cool and popular I remind her many of them will never be able to solve a maths problem like she can with an innate knowledge that’s just always been there. For her it’s somewhat effortless. We giggle at just how bad I am at maths and I have also cried once or twice over the maths shame felt from being so rubbish at it, to show her that other people feel rubbish too, just in different areas.

With regards to looks I also say that Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie, two of the most beautiful women on the planet, their marriages didn’t work out. That being beautiful is no guarantee of happiness and if anything can cause an inflated sense of self worth and entitlement because you’ve always been used to receiving more than your fair share on account of looks. When you come into a relationship with those high expectations it can be destabilising. Especially if the man is at the same level.

That’s not to say all very good looking women/men are like this. Hollywood is it’s own special brand of weird. But you see the extremes there.

the kind of self awareness she has developed through having autism may not present itself as a positive right now but it may help her in the future. She’s highly observant.

She has learnt to be very strong in ways your other daughter has not been tested. Yet. Or other NTs for that matter.

In the end we all have our fair share of burdens to carry as life progresses, and a core human truth is we all wish we were more in some area of our lives, more pretty, thinner, better hair, exercised more, ate better, more friends, better job, better mother, nicer house, nicer car etc.

Whoever we are we always feels a gap. I do understand the gap feels larger for ASD but for NTs it’s there’s too. That the work will never done and that we are all
imperfect/unfinished.

One small idea occurred to me, which is that a couple of jelly cat plants might be good if she likes jelly cat stuff? Or the food, like coffee cups or pastries or sushi? I know it's super pricey but might be a way for her to keep her favourite brand in a more adult way?

To a certain extent most people try to fit in - it's a psychological process and part of the survival instinct. She's at an age where her brain is telling her this is vital as she is at a vulnerable stage. Support her, let her do her thing and as she gets more confidence and finds her feet it'll probably ease. She's an astute lass and what she says is unfortunately true.

I would leave it open for her to top up with some more personal bits and pieces once she is more settled. Give it a couple of weeks and then offer her a throw to decorate her bed or a small rug. Once she has seen she isn't the only one with a taste for more colourful decor she might want a bit of a rethink.

Poor girl! Sadly I think she is right, and yes it’s heartbreaking! All you can do is support and love her and encourage her interests, and hopefully she’ll find her ‘tribe’ at uni. Congratulations to her for doing it! Sending love to you and her. And your DD 1 too, who sounds lovely too :)