DD starting uni - her comment has broken my heart

[KatnDarmam]

I have 2 DDs, DD1 is going into her 2nd year at uni and DD2 her 1st.
They have similar interests but DD1 definitely has some advantages, she's seen as being more conventionally attractive than DD2 and is neurotypical. While I think DD2 is gorgeous she has a less conventional look and is autistic which has made her social life a lot harder.
Today I took DD2 shopping for uni bits, at home her room is very fun, lots of pastels and fun things, she loves jelly cats etc. But everything she bought was plain. I didn't really notice or care until we got home and DD1 said why's it all so white? DD2 replied with "I don't want to get anything babyish" to which DD1 picked up her new bedding from the kids section which she got the day before (just flowers nothing crazy) and said I get fun and cute things and I'm not babyish. This is when DD2 said "it's okay for you to have flowers and pastels and all that you're everyone's crush and hot as fuck, If I do it I'm just the weird ugly autistic girl with a kids bedroom".
DD1 literally had floral bedding, pink gingham sheets, pink and flowery plates/towels/pots and pans last year and no one said a word, she was very popular actually.
This broke my heart I don't know how to help her. She's perfect as she is and I don't want her to change to fit in!
AIBU to need some advice on this one? How do i help DD2 know she can be herself!

Unfortunately, you cant help her be herself. She has to find that for herself. It can be a bit of a journey to get to that level of comfortable ness. You just have to be there - a background support of unconditional acceptance. These choices are part of that.

She actually sounds quite savvy on her take of many social situations. Starting with a neutral base gives her a chance to feel her way through and decide who she wants to be.

Try to think of it like a blank canvas and uni is her opportunity to grow, try something difference

I agree with pp about letting her walk her own path. The only thing I would want to intervene on is referring to herself as the 'ugly autistic girl'. If she meant it seriously (vs tongue in cheek?) I would really want to discourage it. What we think about ourselves does matter and I would hate her to go off to uni with that self-perception in her head, it is only to easy to find ways to reinforce these things once we get fixed on them.

OP, made me tear to read what your DD2 said. As her mum, it must have felt like a punch to your gut. I have a 20 year old daughter with autism. My dd is not as expressive or self-aware as your dd nor does she have a golden sister to compare against but I get it. It is what is unsaid.

Girls with autism are used to masking. They know their traits are not socially accepted so prefer to observe others to see how they behave to mimic and in the meantime not make waves. My dd's teacher said dd would have been happy to stay in covid because she got to wear her mask all the time. This was before dd was diagnosed.

I would not make a big deal. Just let dd have what she wants and buy her other stuff later if that is what she wants. I also thank @Mumteedum for her reassurance that your dd will find her tribe at uni. She has so much growing up to do at this age, alongside the added burden of coping with her condition.

I think every young person goes through a phase of trying to fit in at all costs until they find themselves. It just tends to be far later for autistic children as they understand the social codes later. Did your DD1 really never do this at eg 12-15 when NT tend to do it?

I agree with this. It's fine, perhaps sensible, to want to present a neutral view of yourself in a new social environment. Once she's made seen the lay of the land and made some friends she can incorporate elements of what's cool in her peer group and what she's interested in personally.

I am not sure it is true that everyone finds their tribe. Whether you find your tribe will depend on how confident you are in who you are, and how well you recognise your own kind of people, and also how many of them are at the university you choose. Depends on the university, the city/town, the subject.

OP in terms of fitting in, maybe say to her that she can take a variety of stuff, so the new stuff and the stuff in her room already, let her have a look round on the first day and see how she feels, and as she finds her feet on the day she can decide what to take in at first? She can always get other stuff when she needs it.

Has anything happened recently to her, which has made her doubt herself? People passing comment? I think it is worth talking to her more about her worries and anxieties and help her build up self esteem, explain that there are a lot of different people at university, that some people will seem more confident than they are, and about how she plans to make friends (or find her tribe!) Prepare her for the sort of thing which will stress her out and talk about strategies eg freshers stuff

She's not wrong though is she...

But also, university is the classic time for teens to re-invent themselves and this is a totally, in fact, boringly normal part of maturing into an adult.

Let her figure this out - most people at some point or another have had a crack at hiding bits of themselves or altering themselves to fit in or be accepted in some way.

She will work out, with your support and hopefully that of friends too, that this isn't the way to be, and she'll find her own style. It may be the style and aesthetic she had before, it may not be... people do change as they grow up.

As sad as it is, she is insightful regarding ‘first impressions’ especially at the hype of excitement time of first years’ starting, and social pecking orders establishing. I agree with PP that depending on her interests she should definitely explore activities clubs.

Are your DDs going to the same uni ?

I would say though that there are many ways to keep in some elements of what she likes without, to caricature, literally jellycats. So at least the the colors, and also flowers for instance : you just incorporate them in a different way, so for ex a bit more hippy or edgy or contemporary style or many others would all have those elements in different ways. If you can share more about her specific tastes I’m sure posters could try to advise.

A PP mentioned instagram and I’d second that recommendation (and similar platforms) as you will get way, way more pics than you ever wished for (add in US dorms and you can be at it for the next year!).

Depending on her willingness to engage further, either just go back for a trip to grab a few things (I would worry about her morale if she has changed absolutely everything), maybe just a throw and some trendy cushions in the colors she likes, then as PP mentioned she can fill it in later..

(If she has a good relationship with DD1, she’d also be in a good position to advise on the latest trends, it may be best to keep that chat with you for the time being, or maybe not have it at all as there is enough comparison already in DD2’s eyes)

I think your daughter has shown a lot of social awareness and picked up on what she thinks are social norms. Well done

Has anything happened recently to her, which has made her doubt herself? People passing comment? I think it is worth talking to her more about her worries and anxieties and help her build up self esteem, explain that there are a lot of different people at university, that some people will seem more confident than they are, and about how she plans to make friends (or find her tribe!) Prepare her for the sort of thing which will stress her out and talk about strategies eg freshers stuff

You are looking at this from the perspective of a parent of an NT child. Most likely nothing happened recently to OP's DD2. She has only ever grown up knowing that she is wired differently.

Please do not tell her that she will find this mystical "tribe" where she will fit in seamlessly with "her people". The tribe does not exist for everyone. It's a made up concept that lazy parents tell their children, so the parent can stop worrying and they can fob the child off.

She will make new friends and continue to navigate social situations, just like she's been doing all her life using a combination of assessing situations and masking.

She has the emotional intelligence and self-awareness to do this. Have faith!

I think, while distressing to hear, your daughter is right. My eldest is autistic and he is very aware of fitting in and making sure he doesn’t do anything to stand out. Never be babyish, even from a young age. Wear what the cool kids are etc. it’s good she knows how to behave to make her life easier. Shit though that she has to.

Yes to all of this.

I'd have a chat with DD2 about any anxiety she's feeling, and make sure the university she's heading to has an office where she can drop in and get support if she feels she needs it.

Gently could you possibly just be taking a bit of a sibling rivalry chat a bit too seriously

DD1 took the piss a bit out of DD2s choices and she snapped back with that comment to defend herself

In a way she is saying that DD1 is the boring normal one. Weird, ugly autistic girl sounds bad and is painful to hear as a parent but might she be differentiating herself, claiming her weird & geeky identity vs her conventional sister and not feel as negatively about it as it at first seems?

@CinnamonJellyBeans that's a bit unfair. I can only go by my observations of my students. Perhaps my caveat would be that our subject area has a high proportion of neurodiversity and tends to be accepting of difference. I am not saying it's all roses. Uni can be overwhelming and as I said (with a typo) it is not right for every student, but I have always seen students find their people no matter who they are.

It's not the same at school. My own son does not have many friends and little in common with the kids at school in general.

I think sometimes it's hard as parents we can project onto our ASC kids. My DS is being very practical about his stuff and isn't emotional about it in the way we might be. He has the most boring bag and pencil case etc so he can try not to draw attention to himself, because of bullying.

DD2 sounds like a very sharp, self-deprecating, and (depressing as this is) socially acute young woman. She doesn't sound classically autistic at all. I think she's going to thrive. Also sounds as if she's got the measure of her sister.

DD1 might be hot as fuck, but her room sounds silly. I teach at university and have never seen anyone carrying that sort of bedding into a room in halls.

OP, slightly off tangent here. You can also help your dd by making sure she accesses the relevant support at uni.

She can apply for Disabled Student Allowance (DSA) which is part of Student Finance. My dd's experience is they are very generous. The assessor did not quibble and genuinely made sure dd got everything she needed, including allowance for a laptop, assistive software, printer, one-to-one ASD study skills and study strategy support and mentoring sessions. I also contacted the uni student support team (they were pretty useless IMO). We got dd to consent in advance to them telling her parents stuff so that the uni could not use the excuse that dd is an adult and not tell us vital information.

Autism is a risk factor for mental health, so it is good to get your dd's support system at uni set up in advance, whilst she navigates the social maze.

I remember starting at university - lots of people arrived with attempts at being a ‘new and improved self’ but within a few weeks their real personalities started to appear.

Really, I thought most girls would realise this by about the age of 12 if not younger.

I remember people telling my mum how pretty my sister was from a young age. They never said the same about me.

My sister is now in her 50s and is single and I am happily married, so it doesn't always matter how pretty you are.

It takes time. It took me until 30 to realised what she's already grasped @KatnDarmam . I couldn't understand where I was going wrong and didn't realise so much about succeeding at being young is about trying to act normal. I was miserable and couldn't understand why I couldn't gel with people socially.

She'll be fine when it comes to acting normal- that's not a bad tactic. However, she does sound a bit down, but that's a separate issue maybe.

I think the PP meant realising that trying to act on other's wavelength/normal is important.

OP I have 2 sons and the eldest is ND ,never formally diagnosed but now in his late 20s he has identified that he is ,and now I realise there were so many red flags 🚩 that we missed,mainly due to lack of awareness .Just thought he was ‘quirky’
He really struggled at Uni for a few weeks but then found his tribe and he really enjoyed and did well .He had a few problems organising himself and a bit chaotic at times…feel sad as his Mum that his ND wasn’t picked up by me .
It is positive that your daughter has been identified as ND.
My other son is NT and has the confidence,and dare I say it scrubs up well .Older son definitely compared himself with sibling. They are now both happy contented adults.

Just wanted to send some support your way.
I'm in the same boat! DD is off to start uni next week, she's also autistic and she's really worried about finding friends and fitting in. When we were shopping for her things, I saw her looking at plain white bedding etc which isn't really her style. I left her to it to avoid a meltdown and she seemed to have a 'fuck it' moment and now she's bought everything she actually likes. Lots of pink etc. Fingers crossed your dd and my dd will be in the same accommodation block 😂.

At the moment she should do whatever makes her feel she will fit in. She will find her tribe at university though and then will feel happy to be herself.