DD starting uni - her comment has broken my heart

[KatnDarmam]

I have 2 DDs, DD1 is going into her 2nd year at uni and DD2 her 1st.
They have similar interests but DD1 definitely has some advantages, she's seen as being more conventionally attractive than DD2 and is neurotypical. While I think DD2 is gorgeous she has a less conventional look and is autistic which has made her social life a lot harder.
Today I took DD2 shopping for uni bits, at home her room is very fun, lots of pastels and fun things, she loves jelly cats etc. But everything she bought was plain. I didn't really notice or care until we got home and DD1 said why's it all so white? DD2 replied with "I don't want to get anything babyish" to which DD1 picked up her new bedding from the kids section which she got the day before (just flowers nothing crazy) and said I get fun and cute things and I'm not babyish. This is when DD2 said "it's okay for you to have flowers and pastels and all that you're everyone's crush and hot as fuck, If I do it I'm just the weird ugly autistic girl with a kids bedroom".
DD1 literally had floral bedding, pink gingham sheets, pink and flowery plates/towels/pots and pans last year and no one said a word, she was very popular actually.
This broke my heart I don't know how to help her. She's perfect as she is and I don't want her to change to fit in!
AIBU to need some advice on this one? How do i help DD2 know she can be herself!

But I want it to be because she wants to and not because she is trying to fit in.

Maybe try to frame it as "trying not to stand out" while she sees how she fits in, rather than "trying to fit in" in a way that isn't her?

Hi, I’m presuming that the university knows about your daughters autism. My nephew also has autism and he was placed in a student residence with other similar students. He is around friends who he understands and who understand him.
DD2 perhaps won’t fit well in the circles DD1 is part of …but she doesn’t need to. X

❤
I hope your DD2 finds her tribe and is happy.

DD2 is yet to release that at school everyone tries their hardest to be cool by fitting in. School is bloody cruel like that.

When you get to uni everyone tries their hardest to be as quirky and as different as possible. They all kick back against having to be clones. Cute and kitschy suddenly isn't for little girls, it's for the cool kids.

I have two autistic DDs, age 20 and 14. My eldest is really out there with her dress sense, lots of pink and fun plastic jewellery, pink hair etc. My DD2 is as ‘basic’ (as DD1 would call her) as they come, in that she has to be exactly like everyone else, and it’s crucial to her to do this in order to ‘fit in’. That’s just her coping mechanism, as she becomes more confident hopefully she’ll develop her own style but at the moment she feels safest like that. I’m guessing your Dd2 is currently of that mindset, I wouldn’t worry, it’s just what she feels she needs to get through at the moment.

You’ve already had so many insightful and helpful replies here, everything I wanted to say has been said already. The best thing you can do is just support her decisions even if you don’t like it. It’s tough I know, I’ve been there! My DD1 (adhd & autism) graduated two majors, then went travelling for four months. Shes now working full time at our local hospital. DD2 is 19 (adhd & poss autism) couldn’t handle school and left to work full time. She’s currently travelling with plans to move out on her return and in three years start her EMT training. They find their way and they find their people and they do it easier with our support. Sending you all the 🧡🧡

I heard someone say once that you need to fit in first to be able to stand out.

I’d love it not to be the case but sometimes that makes life easier.

She seems very switched on and it’s probably a way for her to feel more in control by picking neutral things that can help her blend in.

I would just support her in how she wants to manage things and keep being there to listen as you are. Platitudes are not going to help.

It’s naturally an anxiety provoking time for her and as PP she will likely want to express herself more when she feels settled and safe to do so.

But we all do this at different times of our lives to fit in! Downplay certain area of our personality and over play others. It is survival instinct. When she fee secure with her tribe her true self will come through!

I don't entirely agree that pretty premium is a thing
People are attracted to those who are confident, fun to be around and successful
Charismatic I guess you would say.

She needs to find who she is. Buying plain stuff gives her the opportunity to do this without having anything with a declarative style. She can always accessorize with things later on. A Jellycat dragon is a good accessory...

I ended up putting up posters to go with my very plain stuff.

Is one of you on insta? Check out (at symbol)Candy.Courn

Candy.Courn is an autistic adult and if you look, you'll see why I'm telling you to.

I'm turning 42, I'm autistic, I sleep with teddies, have dinosaur feature wall wallpaper in my bedroom, I wear loads of goth or Lucy and Yak clothes, and if anyone doesn't like it then they're not my people.

I spent my younger years trying to mask so badly to be liked, to fit in, but there's tons of us like your daughter out there, so many, and we are all into our odd or flamboyant or alternative stuff.

Uni will be full of people like her.

Your DD2 will be fine as she gets older- as others have said she will find her tribe and passions. Also, I hate to say this, but DD1's sparkle will eventually dull and fade as people move on- enjoy it while it lasts and prepare her for this- her life will very likely end up dull as she gets older.

Also, what is considered "hot" in one social circle is not in others- if she is as you say she is and she dresses "trendy", she would not be considered that attractive in more "alternative" circles, wheras DD2 probably would be considered "fit as fuck"- maybe she would be happier moving in those circles?

I'd say it's an expression of anxiety. About growing up, change etc. I think the bedding etc I'd not really the actual issue.
Just give reassurance she can have whatever clothes, home decor etc she wants at uni. Or anywhere else. I think she'll hopefully gain confidence meeting new people, many of which would also be ND I'd imagine.

I'm rather impressed by your dd insight. Of course we don't want our dc to lose their personality, but ASD can sometimes make people be so sat in their unique ways that they really suffer from social exclusion/self-exclusion. My dd is autistic and I'm trying to get her to understand that sometimes one has to try and fit in, at least a tiny bit, whether that's by adopting (at least minimal) personal care standards, fashion standards, basic polite chit chat/body language and generally going a bit with the flow, as in trying to like/joining in what others do, at least giving it a go ( within reasons, especially with regards to drink, drugs, politics, sex, of course!). Her autism makes my dd very sat in her ways, so being able to try and adapt (whether necessarily or not) is on the whole a very good thing in my books, and totally 'normal'. I'd definitely help her with a very gentle glow up to boost her confidence if she'd like it, if make up/fashion are not her thing, while at the same time driving home that she is attractive just as she is.