DD starting uni - her comment has broken my heart

[KatnDarmam]

I have 2 DDs, DD1 is going into her 2nd year at uni and DD2 her 1st.
They have similar interests but DD1 definitely has some advantages, she's seen as being more conventionally attractive than DD2 and is neurotypical. While I think DD2 is gorgeous she has a less conventional look and is autistic which has made her social life a lot harder.
Today I took DD2 shopping for uni bits, at home her room is very fun, lots of pastels and fun things, she loves jelly cats etc. But everything she bought was plain. I didn't really notice or care until we got home and DD1 said why's it all so white? DD2 replied with "I don't want to get anything babyish" to which DD1 picked up her new bedding from the kids section which she got the day before (just flowers nothing crazy) and said I get fun and cute things and I'm not babyish. This is when DD2 said "it's okay for you to have flowers and pastels and all that you're everyone's crush and hot as fuck, If I do it I'm just the weird ugly autistic girl with a kids bedroom".
DD1 literally had floral bedding, pink gingham sheets, pink and flowery plates/towels/pots and pans last year and no one said a word, she was very popular actually.
This broke my heart I don't know how to help her. She's perfect as she is and I don't want her to change to fit in!
AIBU to need some advice on this one? How do i help DD2 know she can be herself!

i didn't think looks were a measure of someone's worth at university i.e. compared to high school

I'm sending off a fresher DS with autism in a couple of weeks. My younger NT DD has picked out everything for his room, and clothes for him, so that he can blend in. I am sure that these kids will meet each other and be OK.

When my DS started uni there was an autistic boy in his flat. They all seemed to get on reasonably well and when it was his birthday they bought him a cake and decorated their shared kitchen area for him etc. I don’t know whether he really understood the significance of it at the time but his mum certainly did, she saw what they’d done having driven hours to see him on his birthday believing no one else would care and burst into tears. He’d always felt different and she said that no one had ever done anything like that for him. After that he found his tribe at uni and I’m sure your DD will. It’s not a case of having to change to fit in, she’ll find people who like the same stuff. Importantly I hope you realise that people in your DD’s life will show her empathy, support and love when you’re not there. She’ll be ok 😍 IHTH

Bless her. Hopefully it was more of a throwaway comment she made. Starting university is such an exciting but nerve wrecking time! She’s got a blank canvas for her room and hopefully once she’s settled she’ll start adding more of her personality to it.
how was she starting/throughout college or sixth form?
I found university so much different from high school and college, friendship groups were so diverse. It was definitely more of a time in life to be yourself than try to fit in.

The pretty popular girl has free license do weird/nerdy things and everyone loves her for it.

It’s less the ND, and more the DD1 popularity.

My typical Uni girl gushes over Hello Kitty … but would never ever ever have in public or in her room. Her Uni room rug & duvet cover white/grey with soft pink accent blanket. Safe safe safe.
Kitty say don’t be sad.

I’m so glad I saw this. I was getting increasingly worried about my 14 year old son who still has his teddies.

I would not try to change her opinion on it. I might simply have responded with "well, to me you always have been and always will be absolutely perfect".

Don't underestimate the power of constant and unconditional love from your mum. I honestly think it's a superpower that some of us are lucky to carry with us through life.

I think you are right, or at least that is what it was like at my uni, seemed people were less judged on looks than at any other time, less than before (at school) and after (at work)

I am not sure you are right, half my family are high level autistic and there are ebbs and flows. People who are wired up differently can be completely at ease with the fact that they are wired up differently but still get thrown off balance by bullying, just as NT people can. I appreciate that your dc may be more consistent though.

Yes, you are correct.

I think looks are measure of worth long past uni too - just not spoken about. Pretty privilege is a thing.

Awww I understand how you feel.

however that’s what I think. Youth is for experimenting. For trying on different styles, interests, even personas. She’s still developing and changing, she doesn’t even fully know who she is herself (as much as she thinks she does!). So what if she’s trying things which aren’t previously “her thing” 🤷‍♀️ how would she know what’s her thing without trying?

what Im saying is, encourage her to look at things this way. She can experiment fitting in with different kinds of people (as clearly she WANTS to fit in). Of course she’ll find her tribe but it’s totally ok to try different things as she isn’t cast in stone in what she likes and who she is.

(look up “the growth mindset” by the way).

I'm autistic and your DD2 is pretty smart and absolutely right (sadly).

I'm a bit older now and more able to say fuck it, this is me, we might not be each other's cup of tea and that's fine. But I wouldn't have been so mature then. She sounds very sensible.

Buy her a Venus fly trap, colourful cacti, and plenty of kitchen equipment. Also a fully stocked first aid/medicine kit.

Sadly your daughter has just spoken truthfully. I wish neurotypical people would stop trying to deny us what we actually experience

and the flippant “she will find her tribe”
comments annoy me to. I was still bullied at university. Yes I met people I liked but finding a “tribe“ - IME that is very much a neurotypical desire and need (to be part of a group)

being autistic in an overwhelmingly ignorant and unaccepting world (not matter how much inclusivity people claim to have) so fucking hard. My odious former work colleagues are the latest in a long line of bullies. Bit it’s easy to blame the autistic person.

listen to your daughter OP and do not minimise her experiences. You won’t know half of what she has gone through.

Are you kidding me? Please go away, far away, and educate yourself on the autism spectrum. Please do that before you come back here posting comments that other posters with autism will find hugely offensive.

people with Asperger’s are autistic

but I know you know that and are being deliberately offensive and provocative.

You are embarrassing yourself.

It is ok to not post if you don't have a clue what you are talking about.

I don’t know where your comment comes from or whether you are the parent of an autistic child, so I’m not going to address your comment. However, I just want to say that the OP is being really thoughtful about her DD, who is struggling, and wondering how to support her and is getting some really insightful comments, so, with respect, please do not post messages which do not respond to what the OP is asking for and which may derail the thread.

She was diagnosed at 4, she was non-verbal until 7 and has had to work extremely fucking hard to get to this point. Please go away.

I mean she’s right. If you’re ‘hot’ or popular and everyone likes you you can afford to be way more quirky when younger. When you’re older you don’t give a fuck

Yes I agree 'be yourself' is also trite. Not just for ND people though. f someone was a narcissistic bully would you also happily tell them to be themselves? What does the phrase even mean?

Husband and I are both ND (I have ADHD him autism) and we get each other but we know a load of the stuff we do would be considered weird by other people.

However unlike school, where you're all shoved together by chance of birth year. Uni has loads of different clubs and societies so IMO it's easier to find friends. Most big unis also have events and societies specifically for ND people.

I wish mumsnet would permanently ban people who make such deeply offensive and ableist comments. But suspect name change and more ableism is on the agenda for many such posters

Please MN - you have a severe anti-autism problem with posters like this. They are deeply upsetting to autistic people like me and that is exactly what they want. They win and we become continue to be objects of derision.