DD starting uni - her comment has broken my heart

[KatnDarmam]

I have 2 DDs, DD1 is going into her 2nd year at uni and DD2 her 1st.
They have similar interests but DD1 definitely has some advantages, she's seen as being more conventionally attractive than DD2 and is neurotypical. While I think DD2 is gorgeous she has a less conventional look and is autistic which has made her social life a lot harder.
Today I took DD2 shopping for uni bits, at home her room is very fun, lots of pastels and fun things, she loves jelly cats etc. But everything she bought was plain. I didn't really notice or care until we got home and DD1 said why's it all so white? DD2 replied with "I don't want to get anything babyish" to which DD1 picked up her new bedding from the kids section which she got the day before (just flowers nothing crazy) and said I get fun and cute things and I'm not babyish. This is when DD2 said "it's okay for you to have flowers and pastels and all that you're everyone's crush and hot as fuck, If I do it I'm just the weird ugly autistic girl with a kids bedroom".
DD1 literally had floral bedding, pink gingham sheets, pink and flowery plates/towels/pots and pans last year and no one said a word, she was very popular actually.
This broke my heart I don't know how to help her. She's perfect as she is and I don't want her to change to fit in!
AIBU to need some advice on this one? How do i help DD2 know she can be herself!

I think hiding a little bit of your true personality is normal when you first go to uni. She is at a transitional stage going from school to adult life and she needs to try and find herself. It’s heartbreaking what she said but I’m sure she will show her true self as she gets settled in.

I’m pretty sure the bedroom I had at uni was more sophisticated that the one I have now and I’m in my 40s.

I know it’s impossible not to worry but she needs to find out who she is and what she is comfortable sharing with others.

I see it differently she sounds incredibly switched on and aware which I’d find reassuring

people tend to socially gravitate to people similar to them she’ll be fine

I didn’t know I was autistic when k was at Uni. So I just constantly beat myself up at being a social failure (and now cringe at some of the things I did to try to make friends)

and agree there is no point in “being yourself” when all that happens as a result is that people think you’re a twat and misinterpret everything you do.

Quite a bit of meanness in that post - no need to make one the villain here.

My dds have a similar dynamic and the ‘hot’ one is actually very kind, emotionally intelligent and a really supportive, loving girl. She loves her sister and puts her family before anything.

You must be so proud of her. Can I ask what sort of subject area she is going to be studying? (Okay if you’d rather not say). I found that the ‘halls’ friends were quite different to ‘course’ friends, when the subject matter could be a point of conversation or interest, for those of us for whom ‘banter’ and ‘small talk’ doesn’t come as easily

I am sure you are right re: your family. My dd is not alright with being wired differently. Girls can be more sensitive to not fitting in and hence the high level of masking amongst women who are autistic.

Going by what the OP's DD2 said about her sister as compared to her, I doubt it was a recent stray remark which threw DD2 off balance. In those circumstances, it is likely to have been something simmering below the surface for a while. Which is why OP and I, as mothers of autistic dds, would take her comment like a body blow.

I think starting with a blank slate is fine and actually quite sensible. She'll find who she is at uni....she'll find her people.

Honestly I know you mean well by saying this but there is absolutely no guarantee this will happen. There are so many intolerant neurotypical people who make like far at more difficult than it needs to be for autistic people. These NT people are the problem. Without them then the OP’s daughter would be far more likely to have happier and more accepted experience at Uni.

Pretty privilege absolutely exists at uni and beyond. I’ve seen it with one of my daughters.

I'm sorry if some people have found my comment about finding your tribe/people trite. It is genuinely my observation as a lecturer.

I did not mean to be flippant. My course is not very large and I know my students well so although of course this is anecdotal, I was just offering my perspective from what I've seen.

Oops posted on wrong thread sorry

So have I! Not sure how! I’ve reported it so it’ll be taken down. Sorry.

Definitely agree r.e being different, but even for non-ND people it's hard being the 'non-pretty' sister, even if she wasn't autistic.

No matter how you surgarcoat it pretty, popular people tend to have an easier ride socially. Anything 'different' they do is written off as a cute quirk. But weirdness for other people.

i think the be yourself thing is about knowing who you are, what you love, what makes you happy, what your values are, what you want from life.

The "find your kind of people/tribe" thing is being able to recognise the sort of people you want to be friends with, trusting your feelings about people - friendship is about how you feel about someone.

But overlaying this is being aware of social rules and social norms and so choosing at times to fit in and at other times to be yourself, how to behave with different types of people and in different situations, and also being aware of rules of relationships, so knowing how you should behave with friends/partners and the sort of behaviour you should expect.

The only thing that would trouble me about what the OP's dd said was the negative description, the belief that she would be seen as the weird autistic girl. I am not an expert in relation to autism, but the people I know who are autistic wouldn't say this and so I don't think it is a given that it is related to autism, though I might have misunderstood what was said by the OP. I think that is the only thing I'd be wanting to check out with my DD, if I were in OP's shoes, checking her self esteem and self belief is ok, that she feels okay in her own skin. I think attractiveness is not just your physical features, it is also how you feel inside. (Though I do agree about pretty privilege, it only applies to the very pretty, most of us are the normal. And even people who are very pretty can look awful when they feel awful and not beautiful people can shine when they are happy and feel loved!)

Oh I feel for you, and for her. Sometimes I listen to my gorgeous child say something like that and just feel flayed. Like I literally can't bear to feel the world. I'm so sorry.
BUT she will find her people. And she'll grow into herself. And one day she'll wear her quirkiness on her sleeve and people will realise that she is completely cool just as she is.

She sounds very socially aware with some of her comments. She is right, most people in most situations will go for a blank canvas approach. I also think caution needs to be had when asking kids to be their true selves because through childhood, teen years and early adulthood who that real self is should naturally change. Are you sure your daughter isn't feeling ready for a change? This is totally normal at this age. Getting rid of childhood interest isn't necessarily a bad thing at this stage.

I would though be worried about the ugly autistic girl comment. Have you spoken to her about what she meant by that.

My ND son is off to uni for the first time next weekend. We have spent a lot of time shopping and he is going with reasonably plain things for his room, but he is having some texture in a cushion and a blanket.

Completely understand your feelings. Let’s hope our young people meet like minded friends.

Well look, she’s about to start a whole new phase of her life. She’s decided that she needs a change to signify that, and she’s gone for plain things. Isn’t that like buying yourself a new blank notebook? Whatever style she develops will be easy for her to bring in, instead of starting with scribbled on pages.

I think she could be in for a pleasant surprise OP, quirky young people often thrive at university. The last thing I'd have wanted to be at uni was conventional.

My experience with uni bedrooms is very out of date but from memory it would be weird for a girl not to have flowery decorations!

Sadly, she shows a lot of maturity in understanding how the world works, but it would break my heart too. I like the first PPs comment that she will in all likelihood find her tribe at Uni. Wishing her well x

Bless her! She’s over thinking it, totally understandable when you so often miss what everyone else ‘gets’. My ASD dd really enjoyed uni, found friends and really thrived. If she doesn’t have a weighted blanket already I’d recommend one of those. Also many of my DD’s friends are really into plants and have lots in their rooms so I’d send her with at least one! FWIW my dd took her beloved teddy and no-one blinked an eye. It must be SO daunting for her but as many others have said, hopefully she’ll find a group of similarly kooky (if that’s the right word) people and have a great time.

Let her do what she wants to do for now. Do you remember starting secondary school and agonising over having the 'right' bag? Do you worry about that kind of thing now or just get whatever bag you like? Once DD2 has settled and met her type of people she will feel comfortable enough to be herself.

She sounds wry, switched on, and astute. Those are excellent qualities and I’m sure she’ll meet plenty of people at university who will appreciate her for them.