Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

Or she’ll understand and have no problem with the fact that while they may be siblings, they don’t all have the same family members in common and the relationships they have will reflect that.

Or she’ll resent her mother and siblings for being the reason that she hasn’t a good relationship with her paternal family.

Neither of the above may reflect your experience, but nor does your experience reflects everyone else’s.

I think it’s more the op saying that they just don’t see them as anything more than extended family etc
it seems that the op is trying to create a divide, those are her nieces siblings. As I mentioned seperate outings are fine but from op’s tone it’s very them and us.

They’re being treated as the relations they are - in laws. They aren’t grandchildren any more than the a MIL is your mother, or your DIL your daughter. They’re different relationships.

They are extended family. They are family to OP and her parents dependent on the marital status of their actual relative. They’re the nieces siblings and always will be, yes, but that doesn’t make them family to OP and her parents.

I would say it’s the SIL that’s created the ‘them and us’ situation by trying to force them into roles they’re clearly unwilling to accept.

See having grown up rarely having seen my grandparents for various reasons, I don't view things like that. I take the view that it was normal and that I didn't know any different by them not being there. I think poor treatment by people whose presence you have is almost harder because it is an experience you have.

I also think that an absent grandparent can't be compared with an absent parent because of how life is set up and the 'default' is two parents and 'normal' whilst grandparents not being around is pretty normal.

Throughout this thread I've found a lot of parallels in relationships and comparisons very odd and usually irrelevant.

I think poor treatment by people whose presence you have is almost harder

one hundred percent

Okay that’s interesting. I do think relationships are oth blended families will be different and that can be okay.

kids can accept that their aunts and uncles will be closer to their own children than their nieces and nephews. They can understand their step dad isn’t their real dad. But in this situation everyone has to pretend the step grandkids aren’t step kids? Are the kids forced to call them grandma and grandpa?

I absolutely believe if all children are together they should be treated equally - all bought ice cream and sweets, all given birthday and Christmas presents. If the whole family is going to the panto then of course the step children should be there.

but do the grandparents have to pretend it’s the same all the time? Do they have to contribute to uni fees in the same way they would for their grandchildren? Do they have to write them into their wills? Do they have to include them in trips which only involve one or two other grandchild - or no other child from that household is going?

every weekend the older boy next door to me is collected by his dad. His brother is two years younger. He doesn’t go. It’s not his dad. That’s okay and normal.

I think shes doing the right thing. Imagine being the child whos left out from chosen family because they are not blood related, watching their half sibling be treated better, after their own father doesn't bother.

It probably is already affecting their behaviour and will mess them up for life.

I have ongoing issues from feeling rejected by my birth and chosen father. I was a good child, quiet and clever, bit impulsive but very independent for autistic person and tbh its affected my adult relationships both romantic and friendship. Serious repeated therapy.

Yes the child should be included. She is a great mum. She is making sure both are equal and feel loved.

But this isn’t about the children being equal to their little sister.

this is about the grandparents taking their grandchildren form other families out and OP insisting her children are involved too. Without their little sister.

they aren’t watching their little sister being treated differently. Their step cousins are spending time with their grandfather and OP insists her son should also go.

the grandfather isn’t collecting one child from the house and leaving another behind.

Please stop kidding yourself that you treat them well. Maybe you are friendly in person, but that's only surface-level. Purposeful exclusion is not good treatment. These poor kids have to deal with a deadbeat father and now a whole deadbeat in-law family, too. Take this from a former black sheep with a wonderful chosen family of friends who would ride or die for me -they know your family doesn't accept them, they know they are seen as lesser than, and as they grow up they will resent you for it. So congratulations, your mean-spirited family will not have a relationship with these kids in the future - that's what you really want and that's what you'll get. Hope you are proud of yourself.

That’s all they need to be - friendly when they’re together. OP and her family aren’t ‘deadbeat’ in laws because unlike their actual father, they have zero responsibility towards these children. That they have no relationship with their own paternal family isn’t the fault of OP and her parents, and nor is it on them to make up for it. If they grow up to resent their in laws for not taking on a role they were never obliged to, that’s on them 🤷🏻‍♀️

@InterIgnis we treat mine and dh parents fairly similar? If there are any discrepancies it's more due to distance which given the siblings live together isn't the case here.

I have a step niece, she is absolutely part of the family and is treated exactly the same as my other nieces and nephew.

My DD's have been the step children, trust me it's crap trying to explain to young children why their siblings are getting a trip to the seaside but they haven't been included even though it's during the time with their dad. Christmas Day when grandparents come round and siblings get bagfuls of gifts and they get a token present. It's not being greedy it's feeling less, not good enough in your own family.

Would it be reasonable if their son adopted a 5 year old and that child was treated differently to the biological children.?

Yes your relationship may be different as you build it up but you should be open to doing so.

Random child? Hardly. What a callous comment.

It’s up to you to do what works for your family, same as it’s up to OP and her parents to do what works for theirs. You can’t force people into to certain roles because you want that for yourself and/or your children.

You may find it crap, but that’s one of the realities of many blended families. The children, by virtue of having different sets of relatives, aren’t the same and don’t have to be treated as if they are. They’re not going to be treated as grandchildren by people that aren’t their grandparents, and they shouldn’t be encouraged to expect that they will be, no matter how ‘nice’ you think that would be.

@InterIgnis it's not about nice it's about impact on the child.

I agree not all families are the same, a situation where the children only see a parent sporadically may not have opportunity to develop a close relationship with extended family. Or where the step parent comes in when the children are adult or near. A parent may not be close to extended family. It's definitely not a one size fits all. I'm basing my answer on the op's posts, not every single blended family.

I personally wouldn't marry into a family where my dh wasn't prepared to treat my children equally .

The ‘impact on the child’ is the responsibility of the actual parent to consider before they decide to have further children with a different partner 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s also up to the individual parents to help their children understand that blended families won’t all operate in the same way as nuclear ones.

The SIL isn’t entitled to what she wants from OP and her parents, and trying to force the issue by issuing toothless ultimatums to her in laws behind her husband’s back isn’t going to do anything to improve relations.

@InterIgnis I agree!! 😊

How old are the children and how long have they been in your lives? If they were teens when they came into your family's life, it's a bit different than if they were very young. My DD has a step dad and she's been in his and his family's life since she was 5 - now she's nearly 15. She's absolutely treated as part of the family. DP's dad actually probably favours her over DP and his siblings, the whole family adore her. I also was treated in much the same way by my step dad's family. My step mum and I don't have that relationship, although her family are lovely and very inclusive, but I met her when I was an adult. My brother and sister are a little closer to her and her family, but again not like they are immediate family, but again, they were older when they met them and their mum was the main carer, so quite a different scenario. We are always invited to important events etc.

Well he is. His a random aggressive violent child thrust upon the rest of the family.

They treat him fine in whole family situations. Just don’t want to bow to the sils my child must be included whenever any grandchild is. She’s not even saying take all three or none. She’s saying take ops son you must take my son. That’s not fair or nice or warranted.

This is not their gc, they do not have to include this child in everything. The mother is wrong and it is abuse to threaten to cut them off from their gc over this.
I bet she wants the inheritance, bet she wouldn’t like them to say fine, no money coming your way. You do not make threats, the gps are perfectly reasonable.

The step grand children have never been treated badly by any of us ever but we don’t see it as necessary to include them in outings etc.

Sorry but there’s no point not being honest my family have very little interest in the children.

And you wonder why SIL issued an ultimatum?

I mean my children hate their nephew’s and they are all biological family 🤷🏻‍♀️ some kids are just assholes from poor parenting.

cannot expect other children to want to play with other children who cannot respect a boundary or always run off crying when it isn’t their way or get violent because again not exactly their way when it’s multiple children.

So if a random kid at school asked my son or older daughter if they had nieces or nephews they would I reckon say no.

This is such an interesting thread, particularly as I am older.

The entitlement is enormous of adult children that think their every given life choice has to be sucked up and endured by the wider family and their parents.

Major reality check, it really doesn't.

I am a huge advocate for step mothers, particularly childless ones who are silly enough to get sucked into the whole skivvy/aupair dynamic, then have a child and suddenly wake up to the shit show they have slept walked into.

The confusion is because we are talking about children .....and people thinking it is righteous to defend them and their needs....even if this new wider family that didn't know them from Adam a year ago, don't actually want to suddenly bend themselves out of shape for them.

Case in point was my good friend whose youngest daughter was a 28 year old chemical engineer that got involved with a newly divorced 34 year old colleague with three children 3,4 and 5.
She was seeing him for a year and had been well and truly been introduced to the children by 9 months.🙄

At about 15 months in, her older brothers wife's sister was having a BBQ for the family to celebrate their twins 10th birthday.
A few other family members were bringing children of a similar age because of the bouncey castle etc.

She had only intended to pop in on her own, as it was a vague invitation she heard about while popping into her parents home.

However, her boyfriend upon hearing about it thought it was a perfdct afternoon for him and his children to be with "family".
My friend was put in the position of explaining to her daughter that this was not appropriate, not on, and not happening!
Her daughter took it well enough, she's lovely, but her boyfriend was outraged at the perceived "rejection" of his children.
Daughter comes back to my friend to check again.
This is when I get a call to ask is my friend being unreasonable.

I tell my friend to ask her daughter has she really actually thought about the invitation that was actually issued?

Boyfriend was NEVER invited, nor were his children.
A family event is NOT a convenient outing for him and his children to think they can just invite themselves.
This is not a family event for the extended radomers of siblings.

It was a very very frank chat between mother and daughter, where my friend kindly pointed out that landing into a family event with an uninvited boyfriend and his 3 very very young children was completely inappropriate and simply not happening.

He was very outraged and "hurt" apparently.🙄
The relationship limped on for another year and thankfully she woke up when one night she went to his to stay over and he suddenly told her he was going out to meet friends,.... and she was his babysitter.🙄
My friend was hugely relieved.

Another friend was bringing her grandchild to a work fun day as she had for 8 years prevent... and was suddenly being told that her sons new wife's child of 4 years now had to be included.
Again, not happening.
She is a really kind person but definitely is not someone you tell what to do.

These issues can not be foisted on people IMO.

Kindness, inclusion at general family events absolutely for sure,
But telling someone they have to spend their leisure time with a child they haven't build a rapport with, absolutely not on.

Grandparents are often very aware of their mortality, after a life time of giving, the idea that their precious time should be dictated to by the spouses of their children and step children in a wider context is both entitled, absurd and preposterous.

I wouldn't entertain it for a minute.

But they aren't being treated poorly.

Yes - many of the previous posters go on about "including" the step grandchildren, as if it were like including then on an invitation to a family gathering (which is happening). What's not happening is the step grand kids being taken out by the GP on extended outings. Those types of outings are often very hard work, and expensive!