Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

Blimey. I am a step-grandchild as is my cousin. We were never, ever, ever treated differently by our grandparents (and they WERE and ARE our grandparents). I can't for one second imagine it happening. To think that my uncle (for example) didn't consider me a real niece because we weren't related by blood is craziness.

No wonder the children have been acting up. What a horrible thing for them to feel - that they're not worth neither their father's attention nor the affections of the family of their new stepdad.

Treat them equally and I suspect their behaviour will begin to improve as they learn to love and trust.

I agree, and I am glad that she has her husband's support on this. It says that he cares about the children, too.

I am so glad that your daughter has your husband as a step-father. He is a star.

What an astonishing thing to say. It was clearly about a lot more than an ice-cream. I hope you don't have any contact with children, given your careless attitude to them.

Did your SIL ever try to explain to her in-laws how she feels about the situation or did she just go straight to the ultimatum? Ultiamtus are never great but sometimes they really are the only way some people will really listen and understand 🤷🏻‍♀️

Blended families are complicated and what works for one family won’t work for another. Based on the information provided by OP in both threads, SIL seems unreasonable. SIL’s kids are treated the same as the other family children at family functions. Because of the history of the bad behaviors displayed by SIL’s kids, I understand the family’s not wanting to include them on other outings.

DB and SIL need to take the lead in helping her children develop better relationships with the rest of the family. This means that they first need to fix the behavior problems. Then, they need to host outings or functions to help the family develop better relationships with SIL’s children. Invite the grandparents to join them on a trip to the zoo. Invite OP, her DH and DC to a BBQ at their house. SIL needs to understand that she can’t expect anyone to instantly be as close to her children as they are to children they have known since birth.

OP’s family would be unreasonable if they refused to even try to develop a relationship with SIL’s kids, provided the behavior problems are resolved. They would be unreasonable if they only tried to have a relationship with DB’s DD and completely left out SIL’s kids. The grandfather might not include SIL’s DS in a trip with a couple of the other grandkids, but it is DB and SIL’s job to teach the kids that everyone’s relationships are different and to find something he can share with the grandfather.

I have a step sibling who is quite a bit younger than I am. She also had massive behavioral problems. My parent and step parent initially tried to get the extended family to include step sibling in everything they wanted to do with me. This created a lot of drama, arguing and resentment. I resented my time with relatives being ruined by step sibling’s bad behaviors. I resented missing out on outings that weren’t age appropriate for step sibling. It permanently damaged my relationship with my parent, step parent and my step sibling.

It drove a wedge between my extended family and my parent because they didn’t want to be responsible for caring for a badly behaved stranger. They included my step sibling just as much as they did me at family functions. There was no difference in treats or gifts. This wasn’t good enough for my parent and step parent. They couldn’t accept that just because they decided to marry, didn’t mean the family would automatically have a close relationship with step sibling. They never put in the work to make a close relationship possible.

Her husband disagrees with her. He only heard of the ultimatum when he dropped his child, the one the parents weren’t supposed to be able to see, off at his parent’s house.

That worked for your grandparents, aunts and uncles, who were presumably happy to adopt those roles. They weren’t obliged to, however, and that they chose to doesn’t mean that anyone else should feel the same. It doesn’t and wouldn’t work for others. OP and her family aren’t responsible for making up for the failings of the paternal family.

Yes they didnt have to.
but they were good people who saw that a child was a child who had done nothing wrong and was just thrust upon in a situation outsode of her control.

they were grown ups who chose to love and to give. Inconditionally.

that is what good people do.

they choose to include, they choose to love. Especially a child.

the reward?
they are loved back and they probably have a wonderful family.

so now thanks to them a another drop of goodness have been planted into the works we live in. The child grew up and in turn is most probably a lovely human being who will give in return.

so no they didnt have to, but thats what food people do. Which clearly the OP and her family arent.

It's lovely that they had the bandwidth to do that.

In this situation, it sounds like SIL is forcing the situation. I would resent being forced, bullied,or coerced into any type of relationship with anyone.

And they ARE including the step children. However, taking them out for the day which SIL is wanting, is a huge responsibility. I haven't even done that with my own nieces and nephews. You don't take that on just to "be inclusive".

Also, can we not forget that one of the stepchildren is an all-but-teenager who takes his frustrations out on the step-cousins?

I doubt the children have been acting up because sometimes Op's dad takes out a couple of GC!

If they have always been treated like this then why did she think that things would change when she had another kid?

I also wonder how the children would even know their step dad’s dad spends time with his grandchildren when they aren’t there?

it sounds like his sister spends time with them without the older kids. I am sure the grandparents see different families and different kids at different times.

soinds like their mother is stirring things up.

I hope you don’t have any contact with people at all, if you think it’s ok to punish your mother 50 years, instead of talking to her about it.

I TOTALLY agree with sister in law. Its not relevant that other kids see their dad. He's their parent. I assume your neices/ nephews see their mum. How very very cruel of your parents. Couldnt be giving a louder message to s
Sister in laws kis ie 'you are not really a part of our family'. Shame on them and shame on you for not sticking up for your sister in law. Poor kids cant beleive u actually had to post a question like this.

Good people apparently also like to emotionally blackmail, and actually just straight up blackmail, people into doing what they think they should.

All very heartwarming I’m sure, but getting the nod off approval for being ‘good people’ from you isn’t something anyone else needs to aspire to. Oh well.

Thanks for reminding me about how vile Mumsnetters and their view of "obligations" can be. It didn't occur to them not to "adopt those roles" nor that they were not "obliged to". They did it because they're normal, loving people.

I suspect there is a lot more to this story, as evidenced by the woman's behaviour to the child. As do you.

Thank you. My family is indeed a VERY blended one but the funny thing is that we never think of it like that. At my cousin's wedding (who is my aunt's stepdaughter) we actually had to stop and try to explain our relationships to people who didn't know the background because we just refer to each other as cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. In fact we forgot to tell my brother that we're technically half-siblings and he found out by chance when he was 15, but he just said "it doesn't matter, does it?"

My grandparents were a hugely, warm, loving couple who extended their love and warmth to anyone who came into the family circle, perhaps why I find the mumsnet attitude to stepchildren so unconscionable. I am glad to see that there are at least some kindred spirits on here.

You’re welcome.

Actually I’d say that’s more common for ‘normal’ people not to adopt those roles tbh.

Isn’t it great when people are free to do what works for them, though? Even better when they do it without someone else using their example in an attempt to dictate to everyone.

In this case, however, the step grandchild (teen) attacks the other grandchildren (it's in the other thread). It's not a "big, happy, family" situation.

And the behaviour has got better as OP says.

I suppose it depends on your experience. I don't know a single person in my wide social and familial circle who thinks that stepchildren are somehow lesser than blood children and nobody I would choose to hang around with would deem such an attitude "normal". Perhaps I am just lucky with those I know, eh.

If your family and friends don’t distinguish that’s entirely up to them, if others want to distinguish between blood family and in laws, and consider that a stepchild is no more their grandchild than a daughter in law is their daughter, or a mother in law their mother, then that too is up to them. It isn’t for me to tell anyone what they should or shouldn’t do.

I’m basing the statement not just on my experience of my own social circles, but also my experience of working in family law.

It's gotten better, yes, but if your child were attacked by another, would you quickly force them back into company again? This wasn't a preschooler snatching a toy, by the way. These kids are older.

No one is saying step kids are "lesser". However, your relationship with your sister is different to the relationship with your SIL. I love spending time with my SIL, but it's just different. Pretending otherwise would be daft.