Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

Your updates make me so sad op "my family have no interest in the children". Wow.

Says much more about your family and their values than it does about sil and those children. It's so sad that you don't see that you are privileged to have the opportunity of spending time and being important people in those children's lives. You talk about wanting the "blood grandchildren" to feel "uniquely special" do you really think that if they are treated as uniquely special the other children will be too stupid to notice? You really think it won't eventually be something they pick up on that will affect their self esteem and sense of value and confidence. So sad that your family will be some of these kids first experience of bullies.

The relationship with most step grand kids is different to bio grand kids because you didn't parent one of their parents. Usually, it's advised that step parents don't parent, and don't try to replace a parent (yes, there are exceptions). This means that there's just less formality in the relationship between grandparent and parent.

Isn’t it great when people are free to do what works for them, though?

Works for who ? Who decides ? Not all members of the family have the same ideas about “what works”; nor do they have the same options “to decide”. It’s the children who have to put up with whatever crap is dealt them. All for the convenience of the self absorbed adults who think they are entitled to centre their own feelings, inclinations and convenience.

So basically you’ve lied all throughout. The sgc don’t have poor behaviour - they just become that way when trying to get attention from your dad who is basically ignoring them in favour of his gc.

I think you are all despicable and your dn is better off without seeing any of you.

Read op’s posts. Her brother is considered by the sc to be their dad. They have no father. It also seems OP has lied about the poor behaviour

I wasn’t going to come back to the thread but I don’t think for one minute that I have lied about the behaviour of stepnephew. He would have major meltdowns in our presence. He has hit my nephew and on other occasions children and my sister have been hurt when he threw things.

Both stepchildren have upended board games, once when they weren’t winning and once when they didn’t understand rules.

I completely concede that the behaviour has improved as they mature. They are loving towards my niece and they have a good relationship with my brother.

As for us being awful people I think the fact that my sister-in-law wants her children to have a relationship with my parents disproves this theory as well as leaving her youngest child with them for two days a week for the last two and a half years.

I simply don’t believe that anybody would allow someone to come into their family and tell them that their parents can’t take their grandchildren out without other children being present. This is exactly what my sister-in-law has done.

The stepchildren have never ever been ostracised or mistreated by us, they have been treated exactly the same as any other child when they come to family events.

I don’t understand anybody whose child has suffered because they don’t have a relationship with their family wish the same fate to befall their younger child.

Given the age gap between my niece and sister-in law’s eldest two I can’t see that when my niece is old enough to be taken out/away by my parents and possibly cousins, the eldest two would want to go as the places would have no appeal.

She would I very much imagine realise that her eldest half siblings will mean the world to her but realise that they are not the grandchildren of her grandparents.

In her house they are equal as children should be in their own home. This doesn’t mean that they are ‘lesser’ individuals when treated differently by others. She will however witness them being treated kindly by her family as it should be. But my parents are not their grandparents and don’t wish to be.

Hope your SIL realises she can’t dictate what your parents do when none of her kids are even with them!

I suspect she’ll be back when she needs more childcare.

Personally quite sensitive about this because I was a stepchild and my stepfather and his family were incredibly abusive towards me.

The children in the situation do not ask for any of this to happen and have zero control over any of it. Your SIL’s children couldn’t control their mother remarrying and having further children. As a result, they should be treated equally to biological grandchildren imo because they are just kids and it plainly isn’t fair to leave them out. Your brother chose to have children with someone who already had children so your family have to accept them into the fold or hinder their relations with their biological GC. Simple as that.

OP and her family didn’t ask for any of this to happen either 🤷🏻‍♀️ the decisions made by the mother in choosing to remarry and have further children does not oblige her in laws to accept her children as anything other than what they are - in laws, not grandchildren.

They don’t ’have’ to do anything in response to the SIL’s ultimatum, given that her husband doesn’t agree with her and didn’t even know she’d issued it.

For themselves. People get to decide for themselves. Something they don’t just ‘think’ they’re entitled to do, but actually are entitled to do. Your approval isn’t required.

The only people responsible for these children are their actual parents - that their father and paternal family aren’t involved doesn’t oblige OP and her family to take up those roles. The SIL chose to remarry and have further children, and that’s on her. She doesn’t get to demand that her in laws consider her older children to be their grandchildren/niece/nephew.

Your closing comment speaks volumes about what sort of people your parents are! In this day and age of blended families why can’t they be bothered with these children? Its they and you that are at fault here and coming back to try and defend yourselves is not going to make it any better. It’s likely in the future your bother will want nothing to do with any of you, this is the woman he loves and no doubt the children he has grown to love and you all just want yo play happy families with only your blood relatives! It was an interesting comment, she will have witnessed them being treated kindly by her family, what the hell does that mean? She doesn’t see them being treated kindly by yours. The excuses about their behaviour is abhorrent, they were children playing up, so what? Are your children angels who never get cross or play up, maybe in such a regimented family they dare not!

They’re people that aren’t going to be bullied and blackmailed into assuming roles that were never theirs to begin with, no matter how much the SIL and some mumsnetters want to stamp their feet about it. Good for them.

The brother doesn’t seem like he’s in agreement with his wife on this at all.

lol at shows the type of people.

Yeah people who don’t take kindly to be used as free childcare then given ultimatums on every time you have any grandchild mine must be invited.

So the Dil is saying no child can have a one on one with the grandparents because her child must be included. Or else you won’t see youngest grandchild.

are people just not getting that part? They are kind and welcoming in large family events, they buy presents. They just don’t want to be FORCED to invite him every single time they do someone with any of their other grandchildren.

Another way showing where blended families are pushed and forced together and not ultimately working. You cannot force step (relative) into whatever role you want or expect because they didn’t walk into arms open wanted it. They are forced into name role. The only person who owes you is the person deciding to play the role of step mummy/daddy. That’s it that’s the only person who has to accept or even like your children 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fair enough at least you are honest @ChorltonCreamery although it is harsh on the kids I think. You also need to accept that if that is your family's position the mother of the bio grandchildren can and seems likely to hold you all at distance. There is very little that can be done to stop her so failing to come to a compromise is likely to cause issues. It seems so unlikely that your side of the family are going to be able to control the dynamic and you don't seem to accept that. I am pretty sure a mother of multiple children can manage without the 'help' if they choose to, lots do.

Just as well the father is happy to facilitate their relationship with his daughter then.

The prospect of less to do with the SIL doesn’t exactly sound like a punishment tbh, more like being threatened with a good time.

This seems very unlikely to be a long term solution. In most families I know the mother organises most of the childcare and activities. What exactly would you think will happen on birthdays and Christmas once the mother is cut out? Seems bonkers to me. I have never fallen out with my in laws or family members to this extent so wouldn't know. Hardly happy families. So once again, by all means cut the none bio kids out and then their mum when she decides that isn't ok, decide you are right, mess up your family.

I think the SIL is on the road to nowhere if her husband doesn’t agree with her.

That doesn’t mean anything thing for this family though, does it? Within a few hours of the SIL issuing the ultimatum her husband was at his parents dropping his daughter off, so I don’t think they need to be too worried about whether she’s willing to facilitate their access or not.

The SIL is the one that wants to isolate herself by trying to force her ideals on her in laws. ‘Do what I say or else’ - except the ‘or else’ in this case is an empty threat given that her husband isn’t on board.

People get to decide for themselves

False. The children dont get to decide- yet they have to live with it.

She doesn’t get to demand that her in laws consider her older children to be their grandchildren/niece/nephew.

she gets to set boundaries in the best interests of her children like all parents. Good for her.
GP have no right to access the children so if they want to I guess they’ll have to play by her rules 🤷🏼‍♀️

This is going round in circles, the woman is question is sil to to OP but mother to the grandchildren and the mother of the BIL's child. It is likely that the grandchild and her partner love her and their blended family. I don't think she her feelings are going to be that easy to ignore and it sounds like she has a point to me, but not to you @InterIgnis but we can agree to disagree.

As is always the case with dependent children. Their mother decided for them when she chose to remarry and have further children with someone that wasn’t their father. Neither she nor they can demand that OP and her parents make up for their lack of paternal family.

As above.

She isn't demanding that though is she, she is saying that she isn't comfortable with the dynamic that OP and the grandparents would prefer and won't accept that division in her family unit. OP and the grandparents don't seem to see that they are secondary players in that unit.

This thread is absolutely tragic reading. Those poor kids to be surrounded by heartless people like you and yours.

My MIL is a total bellend, but she took my son on at 12 MONTHS OLD (and pre biological grandchildren AND her own son was still a kid himself) as her own and she's never ever treated him any differently to the many grandchildren she now has. My (nearly 16yo) son is painfully shy/antisocial and can come across very rude and blunt because of his disordered emotional intelligence but still, my in laws treat him as their own. Ironically, her own blood grandkids (aside from my youngest son, obviously because he's perfect lol etc) are the just the most feral children you could ever imagine and she doesn't treat them differently because of "meltdowns" or bad behaviour or DNA connection or WHATEVER - she treats them all as kids who are family, by blood or not.

You lead your posts with excuses and justifications for what is just really unpleasant behaviour towards kids who've done nothing intentionally wrong other than not being born into the most perfect of scenarios for your perfect little expectations of life.

And everyone who says the parents have the right to shun these kids.. Yes ofc they do have the right to. Doesn't make them nice humans though does it.

@CountryCob I still think that if her DH doesn’t agree with her, the ultimatum won’t work.

Few of us can make other family members behave as we want them to! I had similar feelings towards my in-laws for a while as they never seemed particularly interested in our children (their bio grandchildren), didn’t arrange to see them and certainly didn’t take them out. But although DH was disappointed in their lack of interest, he wasn’t going to stop seeing them with the children.

I’ve since accepted that you can’t force relationships, I’ve just resolved not to behave that way myself if I’m ever a grandparent.